Looking for help

I posted this in response to Luke, but also wanted to start a new conversation. 

I just found the website today. I was diagnosed with clinical depression over 12 years ago. I went through counseling and drug therapy for about a year. I finished therapy and came off the meds. I was doing well for a long time, I thought. But, I always felt like I had this dark thing living deep inside me and it was always threatening to come back up and take me over again. I have fought it for years and thought I was doing okay. Last year, my husband went through counseling. His doctor told him he was suffering from anxiety and depression and needed to be on meds. He went to about 6 sessions, and refused to take any meds. He keeps telling me he is okay, but I can tell he's not. He is angry and controlling. We have a 20 year old daughter (she lives at home and is in nursing school), she is really struggling with all of this. He tends to be most angry with her. He hates her friends, he hates her going out with them after classes, he hates her going over to their houses, he hates her texting, he hates her guinea pig. Nothing she does seems to please him at all, unless she is doing exactly what he says, exactly when he says, exactly the way he wants it done (which is what I try to do all the time). She is on Lexapro, now, but says she doesn't need counseling. I think, what she really needs is to get out of the house, but she can't afford it.

He isn't working at the moment and doesn't really seem to be looking for anything. I can't talk to him and spend most of my time trying to smooth things with her, to let her know it's his illness talking and he really does love use. She says she knows, but it is certainly taking it's toll on her.

As for me, I feel worn out, beat up, beat down, angry and sad. I spend a LOT of time asking God to take me out of all of this. I find myself thinking a lot about that verse in Old Man River "I'm tired of living, but scared of dying". I have thought about going back to counseling and am getting some meds, myself, but when I say anything about it, he just talks about how everyone takes the easy way out and how he just sucked it up and that's what everyone should do.

So, I am here, looking for help.

Hi Ravenwood,

Basically I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I agree with Raniah, your husband does have issues. I use to be married to a controlling man. It isn't easy to deal with. Everything is centered around them and what they want. So I understand the difficulty of your circumstances. I also agree with the counseling. You need a good support system right now.

I hope that you keep posting and remember that we are here to support you.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen

Hi Ravenwood, It’s true that when we get married, our vow is to stay committed, ‘in sickness and in health’. I mentioned that to another member who was contemplating marriage with a man who was not tolerant or understanding of her troubles with anxiety and depression. I told her if he was not able to support her in her efforts, he was not good marriage material. However, in that case things were different…..the woman in question is actively working on her treatment, through counseling and medication, and in your case, your husband seems unwilling to acknowledge his problems or to continue his counseling or take his meds. She is at the point where she is not yet married and looking for a suitable spouse…..you have been married for many years, and are trying to keep your family together while your husband seems uninterested in helping himself or the family. Sometimes in a marriage, we cannot continue to fulfill our vows because the vows have been broken by the other partner and the commitment has been put in jeopardy. I think your husband, as part of his commitment to you and your family, should be responsible for seeking help for his problems. This would include going back to counseling or getting a new counselor, taking the medications prescribed by his physician, and trying to make an effort to put his life back together by actively seeking employment again. Believe me, I do understand that he is ill, and I know from my own experiences how hard it can be to put one foot in front of the other when depression is the driving force. I just don’t want you to sacrifice your health or your very life, and lose yourself in the process, if he continues to refuse treatment. Yes, I believe in the vows of marriage, but I don’t believe in allowing a situation to destroy you, and I don’t think God wants that for any of us, either. That is my personal opinion, and I hope I have not offended you or anyone else who is reading this. I’m really concerned about you, Ravenwood. I can tell you are in pain, and I know you are feeling powerless to change your situation. I hope you will still consider the counseling for yourself, and hope you will find support here and from others in your life. Before I close, I would like to recommend a book to you that helped me enormously when I was going through some things in my own marriage: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. I hope it will help to put things into perspective for you. I wish you well, and hope you will keep posting with us. (((hugs)))

I have made an appointment to see my doctor.  Can't get in until the end of this month, but it's a start.  I'll let you know what happens next.  I thank all of you for listening and for providing a safe place.

Hi Ravenwood, I'm happy you made the appointment, too. Take good care of yourself.....we are here for you whenever you need support.