Feeling so depressed today

I am feeling so depressed today.  I have some neighbors who have given us some problems; I won’t go into details.  But I finally reached my breaking point and wrote her a letter.  I tried to remove emotion from my letter and tried to just be assertive.  As always, what I had to say still came out wrong and insulting.   I had regrets shortly after putting the letter in her mailbox; and even had trouble sleeping that night.  The next day I wrote a letter of apology and asked my husband to put it in her mailbox.  (He, of course, was upset at me for the first letter). 

 

But I am still so depressed about all of this for several reasons.  I should have known better than to give her this letter at all, and I should know from past experience in doing this type of thing that it never ends well.  I feel like such a failure because I see other people able to express themselves assertively, and are respected for it; but I can never do it without it turning out badly.  I never seem to be able to handle conflicts well.  I feel like a failure and a loser because of this and I feel such a lack of respect from people when I do try to express myself.  What is wrong with me?  And when will I ever learn to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself?  When I hold them in, it eats away at me.  But when I express them, I don’t do it well and then I regret having done it.  I can’t stop crying today.  Like I said, failure, failure, loser. 

Good advise. Don't look at what you can't change. Don't dwell on it. Move to future and more productive thinking. Think of something you like..

Recognising a problem is the first (and a very hard) step towards fixing that problem. Please do try not to feel too badly about yourself, because it takes *courage* to recognise a problem, even more courage to admit it, and more still to work on it.

Would it help to see this as part of a learning process? You tried to remove emotion from your letter - and good on you for trying - and found that approach unsuccessful. You apologised - again, something that is very brave and something that very few people do - and I'm guessing that you're now going to try to find and experiment with some new communication strategies.

Have you tried reading some books on effective communication? They might give you some ideas on how you could tackle a similar problem in the future. This is also something that a counsellor might be able to help you with.

Again, please don't feel so badly about yourself. For what it's worth, I think you've been very brave.

Ivy.

For starters Karen nothing and i mean nothing is wrong with you. your perfect in your own way but maybe writing that letter was good. it helped you release your feelings sted of keeping them in and if the problems with your neighbors got so ba you had to write a complaint they probly dserved it but its good that you sent an apology letter to the but dont beat youself up for it. its in the past and you cant change it.

 

your friend.

Thank you, Ivy, Jamie, Brandon, & "getting by,"

I appreciate all of your comments, input, and encouragement.  I do think that all of our experiences are a learning process and we are all truly a work in progress.  As long as we keep making efforts at self-improvement, we are on the right path. 

I have always dreaded face to face conflict and found that I could express myself better in writing.  But no matter how hard I try, I seem to always write something that would have been better left unexpressed.  I probably would benefit from reading some books on communication.  As Brandon said, writing the letter did help me to not keep things bottled up inside.  But I probably should have written the letter and then disposed of it rather than sending it.

This is such a wonderful site for sharing experiences and giving and receiving encouragement.  I don't even know any of you, but I love you all!!!

Thanks again!

Thank you, Karen.  I really did feel a lot better today.  And I am very glad that I have joined you as well.  I am usually on the IBS forum; but I do deal with depression and anxiety as well.  I have benefited from so many of the different posts pertaining to all of my ailments. 

Keep up the good work as forum moderator.

 

Wow; that's pretty brave of him.  I might want to try it out on either family or close friends first.  Or maybe not!    I'm glad that it worked for him. 

One other interesting thing I thought of later: I seem to be able to defend other people better than I can defend myself; (face to face).  I don't know why I can do that for other people but not myself!

Hi, Karen,

It's good to know I'm not the only one who seems to be better able to defend others than to defend myself.  I think you are right about trying to be objective.  When it involves me, I think emotions get too much in the way.  My emotions have given me problems my entire life!  It's just so hard to get a handle on them and get them under control.  I've always been way too sensitive.  But as I've gotten older I do some some glimmers of improvement. 

I am having a good day and hope you are, too.  Thanks for your kind words.

Hi Karen,

I am so happy that you are having a good day. That means a lot. I am having a good day too. I have the day off work, but I work tomorrow. It is suppose to be hot and humid.

I have always had a hard time standing up for myself. Often I don't even realize that I should. I think slow and don't say things, but then again I don't say things that I am going to regret.

But when it comes to somebody else, I am there to defend them. And I can see the situation for what it is. Where I can't when I am involved. I often wish I would think as much of myself as I do of others. I have often been a doormat. I guess. But we are only human. And we are kind people and I think that is what matters.

Again, I am so happy that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen

HI Karen,

You hit the nail on the head. We can see their worth but we can't see our own. That makes so much sense. At least for the type of person that I am. I wish that I had more self worth and could stand up for that. I guess that is something that people lilke you and I have to work on. Like I said before, sometimes I don't even realize that I am being treated badly. But I will realize it later. Maybe that is a self defense mechinism in my brain. lol...

I hope that you are still having a good day.

Hugs, Karen

Thank you, Karen & Ivy,

That self-defense mechanism doesn't sound too far-fetched to me!  I think we develop ways to block out or shield ourselves from hurtful experiences and situations.

I do tend to be a perfectionist in everything I do, setting very high standards for myself.  And then when I don't measure up, I am frustrated with myself.  Unfortunately, I also have a son who is extremely critical of me.  I can't do anything right in his eyes.  He overlooks everything his father does, but magnifies everything he sees in me that he finds negative or unacceptable.  He doesn't even accept me for who I am or the way I am.  He is 29 and lives in another state.  The last time I saw him, I left for home in tears.  I began to realize that every visit with him turns out that way.  I finally had to cut him off for the sake of my mental and psychological well-being.  I hated to do that, but I could see that all I was to him was an easy target for his cruel criticisms.  Of course, I left the door open to him if he ever wanted a relationship with me based on respect.  I haven't heard from him since; that was almost two years ago.  My daughter (my oldest) can even be critical of me at times.  But she has gotten a little better.  I have a feeling her husband may have spoken to her about this.  Now my youngest (another son) is very attentive, caring, and supportive of me.  So at least I have him as a bright spot in my life! 

Thank you for your support and kind words.

Hi, Karen,

My youngest son is 27.  He has always been a very devoted son.  He has always been the one to "fill in" the gaps where my husband is lacking; (concern, support, emotional availability).  Fortunately, my husband has made some progress over our 32 year marriage.  Unfortunately, the children grew up seeing him be unconcerned, unsupportive, and unavailable emotionally.  I think that's why my older two react the same way toward me; they picked up on that.  My youngest son, who is very much like me, has always sensed what I needed and tried to provide it.  Unfortunately, these situations have resulted in him having some psychological problems which saddens me very much and makes me feel a lot of guilt.  I probably came to depend on him much more than a mother should depend on a son.  I have tried to pull back from too much dependency on him, and I have tried to help him as much as I can with his troubles.   But he suffers from depression as well.  I think I will tell him about this wonderful site! 

Hi Karen,

It is me again. I took a two hour nap and feel a lot better.

I am so happy that you are thinking about introducing your son to this site. I am sure that he will like it here.

It really sounds like you are doing better and that makes me feel really good. You sound happy and contented. Whatever you are doing, keep up the good work. It just seems that with depression, you never know how you are going to feel from day to day. I am glad that you are feeling good.

Keep posting and keep us up on how you are. I hope that you had a wonderful day today.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen