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About to loose my very best friend by my own wil

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Posted 8/31/2009 4:53 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,

I hope I do everything right since this is the first time i ask for advice. Normally i never ask for advice but this time it's different. I'm 25 and i think i'm either bi or gay but that's not the point right now. 2 months ago i went traveling with a guy of 19 years old. During our traveling and the time after we became best friends forever. We would do everything for each other. Even die. I never had such a good friend. We sometimes sat really close to each other or even a few times ate from the same burger.

Anyways, a few days after I met him, i fell in love with him. And when I say in love, i mean really in love. I have never been so much in love before in my whole life. I thought he was bi since he has a lot female characteristics and he is afraid of a lot of things. One time in the car when there was a song of the backstreet boys, he asked the driver to turn the music louder. Normally i'm not attracted to gay people. Either because they are (this is personal, not to offend) not handsome and/or very gayish. It's actually the same way with girls. The girls that I like, do not like me. And the girls that do like me are the ones I don't like. So I thought this time it's different.

Unfortunately (how ironic again) things turned out too good to be true. He appeared to have a girlfriend in another country. And during our traveling he called / chatted her a lot. As time went by he became very in love with that girl. I tried several times in many ways to put away my love for him but every time when he phoned her, I found myself broken and I knew the whole day was ruined again. Sometimes when that happened, he asked me why i was feeling so down. I told him that I cannot stand being alone. That's true though but it wasn't of course the reason why i was feeling down. He then even tried to limit the amount of phone calls a little bit. And when we were in that country he even didn't went to see her because (i think) he had the feeling that I rather didn't want to. A very good friend you can imagine.

Currently I still see him a lot. However, i want to stop being broken every time. Every time it really breaks me apart when he either calls or chats to her no matter how I tried to stop my feelings for him. And when this happens it feels like old wounds are opened again and sprayed with pure acid. That's why I want to freeze our friendship a little bit . Although I know that I'll never get such a good friend like him ever again in my life. Me going away to another country for a couple of years would perhaps help me a little bit in it. It would enable me to start all over again and perhaps also lessen my daily blaming to that treacherous trick playing b*****d high up in the sky. Although again that in return I would loose a priceless friend.

My question: is this the right way to follow?

Thanks in forward for everything

Post Edited (Jason Madison) : 8/30/2009 10:59:20 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/31/2009 5:51 AM (GMT 0)
darn. that's a tough one. i don't know what the right answer is, but i do know what helped me a little when i was in a similar situation. i don't know if i was in love with the guy, but i certainly loved everything about him. he was, also, a phenomenal friend, who at one point i thought was into me too, but later began dating someone else out of the blue. it crushed me, every time i saw him i wanted to cry or just ask why. every time he did something nice for me it was like being stabbed in the chest.
anyway, what ended up happening is that he moved away and i didn't see him for an entire year. i had limited my time with him a little anyway, just because it was so painful to be around him, especially when his girlfriend was around (she unfortunately did not live in another country and actually lived very close, so it was hard to avoid them). we were still good friends though, but after he moved we chatted occasionally, mostly online, but not about anything serious, and really, not very often. partly because it was hard for me, and partly because the separation just made it difficult. over time though, the separation really did help. the friendship became less intense, less magical, more casual and lighthearted. he still knew exactly how to make me smile, but it made me happy that he did. And even when it came to his girlfriend, after a year, i could really say, if it made him happy, then i was glad.
i have to say though, after a year, when were both back home again to visit our families and we decided to hang out, i was a wreck. i thought the moment i saw him, everything, all the pain would come flooding back. to my surprise though, while it was still in the back of my mind, it was just nice to see him again. it was just nice to have him in my life, and i really didn't need anything more than that.
so, the separation path worked for me. i don't know if it's the right or wrong thing to do, i feel like you should do whatever you feel you really need, and if that's to get away, it might be nice to get a little perspective on things. you don't necessarily have to cut off all contact with him, but limit it, be too busy to talk all the time, distract yourself so that you're mind doesn't take over with thoughts of him. if he's a good friend, he won't be loss by limited communication. it's like those friends that are so amazing you can not talk to them for ages and when you start again, it's like you never stopped.
It will work out though, whatever happens, whatever you choose to do, it'll be hard, but time really does heal. i'm sorry that you're in the thick of it, unrequited love's a *****. i wish you the best :)
Posted 8/31/2009 5:52 AM (GMT 0)
also, sorry that's like the longest reply in the world, i like telling stories, it always helps me to know i'm not the only one :)
Posted 8/31/2009 9:34 AM (GMT 0)
hi i am jamie. male, 37. my only thought is that he doesn't know your true feelings for him. the catch 22? i do not know the answer, only you do. i wish you well. with compassion. jamie.
Posted 8/31/2009 3:13 PM (GMT 0)
If youn really do care about somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it means that they wont be with you. I know that this is hard, let him have his girlfriend. Chances are, he isn't gay.

I hope that you find somebody in time. One day at a time with this. You will make it.

You might want to consider some counseling to help you through this. I know that you are hurting, but time does heal.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/31/2009 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
Jason Madison

I am sorry to read of your problems.  I am wondering if you feel you may have depression or if you have ever been dx with depression? 

You may have situational depression.  Situational depression can be every bit as debilitating and painful as clinical depression or manic depression. Please remember I am not a professional.

The difference between situational depression and other types of depression is that situational depression, as its name suggests, is caused by life's situations, or life events. In other words, situational depression is brought on by life.

Getting into treatment early can significantly decrease the length of the depressive episode. Please do seek counseling for yourself.  You deserve to feel better.

Sincerely

Kitt

Posted 8/31/2009 7:43 PM (GMT 0)
stkitt,

I have a question about situational depression.

How can therapy help when the situation involves another person...lets say both were in love and now one isn't..at least not like it used to be.

Antidepressants are out of the question so what can be done to make you accept and forget. I cannot imagine how a therapist can help in a case like that.

Jane
Posted 8/31/2009 8:20 PM (GMT 0)
I am not Kitt, but maybe I can provide an answer. ((((((((((Jane, you know I am checking to make sure you are ok. :) ))))))))))))))
Situational depression is usually due to outside circumstances (that maybe beyond your control) from illness, natural disasters, to relationship problems, etc. A therapist (depending on their specialization) can usually help people process their situation or new life circumstances and help them find a new path. Like being diagonsised with a new condition, dealing with a divorce, losing a home/job/significant loved one, etc.

For me, when I got so sick (and 100% now according to the VA, but it took years to get that)  and did not have someone to advocate for me, and I have to admit I needed help with processing what my quality of life was going to be and I needed someone to help advocate for me.  I was too sick to do it myself, and I do not have the family/friend support that would do that.  Plus I think support people just wear out sometimes.

It is alot about facilitating personal growth and alot about just being heard. Sometimes you just need someone in your corner who does not judge and just supports you.

Posted 8/31/2009 10:19 PM (GMT 0)

Hi Jane,

Navy said it very well in her post.  I will just reiterate:

Psychotherapy  is the most common treatment for adjustment disorder(situational depression) Therapy helps you  understand how the stressor has affected  or your life. It also helps you  develop better coping skills. Support groups can also be helpful by allowing you, Jason and others  to discuss their concerns and feelings with people who are coping with the same stress. In some cases, medication may be used to help control anxiety symptoms or sleeping problems.

Most people with  situational depression  recover completely. In fact, a person who is treated for 

situational depression  may learn new skills that actually allow them to function better than before the symptoms began.

I hope this helps with your questions and thank you for asking.

Sincerely,

Kitt

Posted 9/1/2009 3:42 AM (GMT 0)
 

Post Edited (mcjane) : 9/1/2009 9:30:51 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/4/2009 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
hey its really tough to be in love esp in a 'one-sided' love and dat too wid a gud frend.Just analyse urself and take a deep look inside u-are u really in love wid dis guy?as in is it a pseudo love.May be the more u think about it the more it keeps on staying on ur mind.Get some different goals,do smething challenging,go for a vacation if u can,maybe for a trek or something....
Posted 9/22/2009 8:26 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you for all your replies guys. I don't know how much to thank you all. I'm right now a 9 hours flight away and on the 24th ill even go further away. Almost to the other side of the earth and going to stay there for at least 2.5 years. Maybe im going to stay there forever. I think im going to say it to him. I'm already two days busy with this email and it's freaking hard. Like 2 days ago i was kissing a cute girl over here and the only thing i thought about was him. Not sending this email will continue to break me. And also he has THE RIGHT to know. I hope i don't mess up my life by doing this. Wish me luck. One thing that's sure.

Edit:  Removed inappropriate comments.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 9/22/2009 8:22:49 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/22/2009 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
James Madison,

Good luck with your efforts to rid yourself of this pain and loss. However, you may consider this is a board for people with depression. Have you been diagnosed with depression? If not, I bet you can find another board that is more appropriate to your needs. I can only recommend therapy to you, and hope you do well on the other side of the earth.

serafena
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