Crushing Depression

I really don't know where to begin. I have no health insurance. My business depends on my performance and even though I was working very hard, in this economy or in my state of mind or whatever is going on, it's not working. I'm running out of money very, very quickly.

For the past several years I've put all my energy into my business, at first successfully, but of course it came at a price. I've lost or have grown apart from my friends.

I was actually supposed to be married by now, too, however she and I broke up (and this was before things started going badly).

To be honest if you look at my life, say, now and a year ago and compare, you'd find that I've gone backwards in almost every imaginable way. It's quite overwhelming. I believe I can say with a clean conscience that it's not my fault, or at least not all of it. Business started going badly when all the banks started going under. That just makes sense. The breakup really wasn't my fault. I thought I was handling that well but maybe not, I don't know. I haven't dated anyone else because the rest of my life is chaos. Just don't feel like it.

I have anxiety disorder. This is something I had made great strides against but has now come back in a pretty big way.

Sometimes I no longer care. This wasn't the case until last week, and I feel it's a bad sign. Then again it may be self-preservation, I don't know. This morning I do care very much, but feel very hopeless, and physically I do not feel well at all.

There are a lot of other things going on that I haven't even bothered to bring up.

Just venting. Thanks for listening.

Hi Kitt.

Well, the money I moved into those accounts is gone. Business was good in the first part of 08 and I had a substantial cash reserve. It depleted very quickly...now I have next to nothing and business is still not going well. I still do not have any debt so bankruptcy wouldn't help me any. I'm just out of money. I can look through the records and see where it started going downhill...and that's AUG08. It's really a miracle I've lasted as long as I have.

I cannot talk to a physician as I do not have one. I had to drop my health insurance a couple months ago. In Texas there is no public system that's worth using unless you're close to ending it all. Then they'll take you in as an in-patient but I'm not quite there.

Anyway this has been going on some time now. I have honestly made those plans to move forward. They just didn't work.

I remember January very clearly. I was thinking that after the holidays business may pick up (things always slow down during the holidays), but they did not. January was actually my worst month...I lost $21k. When I wrote that post I obviously didn't yet know that. But I was in some kind of emotional stasis. I will not lie and say I was happy but I was sort of in that holding pattern you referred to.

In February or maybe early March I had some kind of "nervous breakdown" for lack of a better way of putting it. That was a result of what happened in January. I came back from that and posted a couple of good months but it's been on the decline again for some time.

Most times I tend to deny that I have depression. It's something I felt got "switched off" when A/P was "switched on". And I think that's accurate, too. But it started coming back and I have been unable to deny it. My quality of life is nil. I've put my heart and soul into a failing business. My friends and family and love life have all taken a back seat. I mean a person has to make a living right? Well suddenly I have no support system, and though I've never needed one to the extent that some do, everyone needs some kind of support. I feel distant from everything and everyone. I've worked so hard at just staying personally solvent but I think that's about to crash too and then I'll have nothing.

Thing is, I may be totally different tomorrow. I may very well start fighting again, but last week and this weekend and today I just feel beaten. So far with that one exception (nervous breakdown I told you about) I have been able to beat back the sadness to fight...that's the only reason I didn't go broke months and months ago. Until today I haven't really felt like I did back in February or March. It's a horrific combination of anxiety and depression. I mean I can't even leave my apartment. These headaches I get are so bad it's difficult to drive. I don't know what to do.

There is one person in my life out there who cares, and that is my mother. She, however is a complicated woman to begin with and on top of that is going through some of her own problems right now. I don't really feel I have anyone to talk to, and I'm not sure how much good talking would do anyway. The facts are what they are, and they're not pleasant.

Really I cannot have peace of mind while going broke. I need to fix this but I've tried everything. The only thing to do now is to give up and get a job, but as everyone knows that is not easy these days. Earlier I was thinking about whether or not I could even function at a regular job after being self employed and with all the other issues I have going on.

I don't know. I think it's one thing to be laid off from a job, and that's certainly terrible, but it's quite another to have put so much into a business only to see it fail. It's very hard to see everything I've worked so hard for fall apart. And to have no unemployment benefits or anything like that? There's no safety net. My business isn't really capitalized so there's nothing to liquidate. I'm a consultant. There's no inventory, nothing to strip apart and sell to live off of until something else comes along.

And I just feel so alone in this.

I guess I will just take phone calls today. Maybe do a little paperwork tonight. Then get back to it tomorrow because really I don't have anything else to do. I just hope this headache will leave me alone. I noticed you're also a moderator of the GERD board and that's another big problem I'm having right now.

But I can't stay where I'm at, kitt. Where I am now is a very bad place. I have to find a way to move forward and whether it's a step or a leap I don't care. Problem is I don't know what to do anymore.

Hope this message made sense. I have a billion things going through my head. Hope you're doing well and thanks for your response.

my compassion to you. i do hope that things improve soon, remember to take care of you. with healing compassion.

jamie

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

D a big YES to happiness, and yes, keep workin' on this, i know your suffed, but to acheive this.......well.....and all good things come to those patient, and may this happen soon. strong beleiver in karma, and i send strong good karmic compassion your way.

jamie. keep well.

possibly a re-think regarding a c.b.a on poor performing sectors. i get that your industry is flagging, albeit what sectors are keeping you productive, re solvent? just thought i'd lend an ear. business is a depressing beast on it's own. keep well, and know that i am always around. tried to start my own business once. was an absolute nightmare, but it taught me a lot about people, the economy and how the economic climate effects us and about people. interesting stuff. cheers. jamie

thanks for the update. i appreciate your honesty. as my brother continues to tell me, 'money comes and money goes'. keep fightin' you will bounce back, i am pleased that you like what you do, and for those alike yourself will eventually reap the rewards of staying strong. keep posting and know that i am here for you. with compassion. jamie

Well I have no debt except for student loans, so bankruptcy wouldn't help anything. Way back when I signed a 24 month lease on a loft in downtown Dallas...it's expensive and bankruptcy won't help with that. Bankruptcy would help with my car but it will be paid off in two months, so there's no real point in doing it.

Over the last year I have liquidated all investments. There's no real advice anyone could give me. It's either make money or get evicted and start all over, which obviously isn't ideal. But the business itself is lean and mean. Margins are very high but there's just not much work out there.

Today I'm in a relatively good mood and can see the positives. I have held on this long, at least, and maybe I will hold on longer. Maybe long enough for things to turn around. If I can do that I'm not in that bad of a position, really. Lack of debt, like I said, and this thing is so streamlined it couldn't possibly be more efficient. Nowhere to go but up IF things turn around.

Most days have been gloomy of late, though, and you're right that it's scary to go through this. When it's been going on for a long time it can really get you down, too. To build something and see it fall apart is no good at all. To work as hard as you can every day and end up with little or no work or new clients is extremely deflating. Combine that with the isolation and it feels like I'm losing my mind sometimes.

Thanks for listening.

jbv1234,

Hi and welcome to healing well. Don't feel stupid. You have come to a good place. People here do understand.

The best thing that I can tell you is to take life one day at a time and live in the 'now'. This gives you no reason to dwell on the past or worry about the future.

I guess if you think about it. If you can put on your mask and pretend to feel good, you are feeling good on the outside. Try to feel good on the inside too. Just be happy.

I want to talk to you, but I don't want to take over this thread and what we call ambush it. So I am going to start you a new thread that we can talk on. That way people can get to know you better.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks, Kitt.

Really feel bad that you have to come out of retirement and work. Lots of people in my old field were ready to retire but now have stay working, and my mother was going to be ready to retire in four years but probably will not be able to do so now. Things were different with my grandparents' generation, at least if they were lucky enough to have a union job or another career with a pension.

I never felt like anything was promised to me. In fact I was born middle class but I don't remember that very well. After the divorce, which happened when I was very young, my mom was dirt poor and so was I by extension. At age 12 I started working and haven't looked back since. The problem is I'm used to a world in which if you are smart and a hard worker, you may not get rich but you will get by. These days, it's not enough to scratch and claw. You can do things right, treat people well, and still end up hanging on by a thread. A little bad luck, and it all could crash and burn. I'm not used to having to deal with luck. Am used to making my own luck, if you will.

I guess these are just hard times. You have to remember I was born in the seventies and came of age I guess in the late eighties or nineties, so I've just never experienced an economy like this. When I first graduated college the economy wasn't great. It was 2000, 2001. In comparison those were great times. It's difficult to feel like no matter what you do, you're losing.

My story isn't unique and I know that. There are lots of people who are in my situation right now, unfortunately. Hoping for all of our sake that things pick up soon.

Hey debaser,

Hope your weekend went well and that you continue to talk with us and share your feelings and  insight. 

Yes I did make it through Thursday and Friday..........but could have done better but hey I am my own worse enemy at times.

Gentle Hugs and good karma for your coming week.

Hugs

Kitt