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Seeking Help, But Also Wanting To Help

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Posted 9/21/2009 4:07 AM (GMT 0)
I am new here; I joined a few days ago.

What brought me here was an incident almost 2 weeks ago. I lost my wife a week before Christmas 2007. She was in a care facility healing from a fall and a shattered right femur. I was up to see her on a Saturday, and 13 hours after I saw her for the last time, I got a call from the facility that she had died.

I have taken losing Carol very hard. What makes it so hard is that I have only her sister and family who have anything to do with me. I wish there were others because I hate the thought of being a burden to them. But the rest of Carol's family, other than her mother, have nothing to do with me. Carol's passing was such a shock to me, that when I contacted her family to let them know that she was gone, I asked them not to write me with the usual cliches like "We will be praying for you" or "Rejoice! She is with Jesus". I needed to process her passing. Anyway, her family are all Evangelical Christians, and they got angry at me for what I said. Like I said, outside of Carol's mother and her sister and family, I have heard not one word from them.

One night a couple of weeks ago, I was feeling really down. I was thinking of Carol and crying. I said aloud, "Life without Carol is not worth living." Immediately, I realized what I had said, and I said, also aloud, "That's not a very healthful way to think." I immediately got the phone book -- I live in the Denver metroplex -- and looked up "Crisis Intervention" to see what was available. There are hotlines here, but they generally treat one of three areas: rape, domestic abuse, or children. There was nothing even remotely related to suicide or mental health in general. The next day, I put Google to work and chose this group and one other to apply to. So that is where I am this evening.

There are times when I could use some friendship, but I also want to be a friend. I don't just want to take from this group; I want to give back on those evenings when I feel like I want to help someone. I have already sent a message to "savingrace" to try to help her, and I feel so good for having cared enough to try to help her.

Anyway, I hope that you all know the thinkerfromiowa a little better, and I would be so happy if a couple of friendships developed.

I think this is long enough, so I will close for now. Have a great day tomorrow

The Thinker
Posted 9/21/2009 8:55 AM (GMT 0)
hi thinker, firstly my sincere regards over your loss. your exp was not disimilar to mine. it is tough, grieving is a very personnel and individual process, but we can offer you care, love and some understanding. i am in australia, our mental health system is on it's knees, thus accessing services is hard, albeit i know that a lot of the american members will flood you with info. what i want to do is say that we care, and we always try to give guidance and compassion. i am around, so i hope you continue to post. i feel that a chat with your doc would be beneficial, as he/she can refer you to support groups and maybe some individualised counselling. keep strong thinker, and keep safe, i hope i talk with again. with loving compassion. jamie, male, 37

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

ps. i admire your courage in posting and reaching out.

Posted 9/21/2009 9:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thinker, here are some numbers I found for you. Please try one of them, they are all 24-hour lines. I know you're going through a very hard time, and this may help.

USA National Suicide Hotlines
Toll-Free / 24 hours / 7 days a week

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

1-800-273-TALK
1-800-273-8255

DENVER
Serving Metro Denver Area




Suicide/Depression Hotline
(303) 860-1200
Posted 9/21/2009 3:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Thinker,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum.

From experience, I know that grief has it's own schedule, there are no set times of getting better and no set rules on how to grieve. So please allow yourself to feel sad, or even angry if the need comes.

But I do agree with the others, maybe you should go into some grief counseling, or talking to your doctor might be a good idea as they can refer you to some resources that could help you. Just go easy on yourself at this time.

I am glad that you want to help others, that often makes us feel really good. And takes our mind off of our own stuff, if you know what I mean. It can be a nice distraction.

Keep posting as we are all here for you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/22/2009 2:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, Jamie.

> i am around, so i hope you continue to post.

Oh I will. Maybe not every day, but I'll be in when I feel up to it.

> i feel that a chat with your doc would be beneficial, as he/she can refer you to support
> groups and maybe some individualised counselling.

Actually, I HAVE talked with him and he felt I needed to get more involved with people. The rub is that I do not drive -- I am legally blind -- and bus schedules are horrendous on weekends. Plus it is an adventure to get to some of the places. But having an outlet on the Net like this place is a huge help.

> keep strong thinker, and keep safe, i hope i talk with again. with loving compassion

You know, Jamie, you are really quite a guy. While "cruising" the groups, I have seen some of your responses. You come across as the kind of guy I try to be. Sure, we'll cross paths again.

You live in Australia. Back when I was in college in the early 60s, I had an australian pen pal. My aunt had a pen pal over there and the lady's daughter, Doris, wanted a pen pal, so my aunt gave me her address. Wonderful girl, and cute as a bug in the rug. Writing to her was one of the loveliest periods in my whole life.

Have yourself a great day.

The Thinker
Posted 9/22/2009 3:19 AM (GMT 0)
> Hi Thinker,

Hello, Karen.

The name "Karen" is special to me because that is the name of my first niece. I've always tried not to play favorites with my nieces and nephews, but she IS my favorite because she was the first one.

> Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum.

Thank you.

> From experience, I know that grief has it's own schedule, there are no set times of getting > better and no set rules on how to grieve.

When my first wife died back in 1983, I asked myself why there wasn't a book written telling us how to grieve. Then I realized that such a book would be an impossibility because each death situation is unique. A lot of losing Carol was and is like what I went through when I lost Ginny, but they are still two separate death situations.

> So please allow yourself to feel sad, or even angry if the need comes.

Oh I do. Thinking that thought was a wake-up call. I see being here and getting involved with others as a key part of my healing. I still have the passion for becoming a grief coach. But I can't do that without getting experience with interacting with people going through rough times.

> I am glad that you want to help others, that often makes us feel really good.

Plus it can help us get our eyes off ourselves and onto others. THAT is one key motivation for my being here.

> Keep posting as we are all here for you.

Oh I will. Like I told Jamie, maybe not every day, but I will be here writing.

> Take care,

You too.

The Thinker
Posted 9/22/2009 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
thanks for the reply. and thank you for sharing your situation, as this helps me to better understand and help you. with loving compassion. jamie. smilewinkgrin
Posted 9/23/2009 12:38 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Thinker,

I am so happy that you joined the forum. This is a wonderful and friendly place. The members are so very kind and compassionate.

I am happy that you like to help people. That can go a long way here. Many members really need afirmation. And just to know that somebody cares.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
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