Called THREE hotlines

supposedly to help you avoid offing yourself. Each one, the people just sounded like office workers. They just didn't get it. Seemed to have NO clue. I was told to go to the ER. Might be able to help some people. I've been depressed a long time, and have many health problems. I've been numb for so many years, forgot how to feel. Nobody cared. I have a phsych. I go every 3 months for meds. Just meds. They don't help. OK, weel, when I was just NUMB and drugged, I suppose they DID work, I didn't off myself. Yay, me! Now, there's a lot of things going on, and I need to ACT, and I can't. My mother has emphysema. She's getting MUCH worse, and I KNOW that because my father died from it, and I 'SEE' the signs. What makes it worse, is that SHE sees the signs as well. That breaks my heart, as it is a horrible way to go. And she knows it. Last 3 weeks, she's worse. She's worried about her will, and I am executrix, only one of 3 kids she can trust. (LONG STORY) She constantly brings up that fact. I appreciate it, feel glad she trusts me, but at the same time, with my sister wanting every last DIME that woman has, it won't be easy for me. My son, the light of my life, a fun kid, someone who always made me laugh, we'd play videogames together, watch movies, always a good kid. Always, everyone loves him. Likeable, 22, handsome. Met a girl, who had a diiferent lifestyle, about 9 months ago. She, and her younger sister were taken away from their mother, and into the care of their G-ma, because the mom was a drug addict, and dad an alcoholic. So, the girl knows no other life. SUDDENLY, past 3 months, my son got arrested THREE times for drugs.

TWO of those times he said the drugs were HIS, because he said if someone had to go to jail, he'd do betTer in jail, thAN SHE WOULD, SO HE SAID THEY WERE his. and they weren't his. OR so he says. I admit, I can't really be sure, but, if anyone is that loyal to take a rap 4 someone else HE IS that ummm..STUPID! I'm worried he is addicted to drugs. He was fine, when he lived at home. Then, moved with his girlfriend, and loom what happened.

My daughter, older than him....AT the same time needs a LUNG transplant, as she had cancer at 18 years old. The chemo and radiation ravaged her body. TOO much chemo. That girl had 2 shoulder replacements and one knee replacement, before she was 28. A rare form of joint deteriorization, due to the treatment for her cancer. She STILL needs another knee replaced, and is on the list for a LUNG transplant.

I am overwhelmed. I put on a 'good' face, but this is too much for me.

I have been depressed SO long, and now, all these things....I don't know how I can deal with it all.

I'm not well, physically, either. Many medical problems. That keep me from even going out as much as I would like. Those physical problems, worry me, as I may not be able to help my mother, my daughter....and my husband, he's oblivious.

I'm alone. Only person, ever made me feel OK, happy, laugh, was my son. Now, he's probably headed for jail.

Trust me, IF you knew me, and my family, you would NEVER think my life was like that, OR that my son was like that. I just lost all reasons to BE HERE, I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!! Does anyone GET that?

I want to  myself, but I probably won't. BUT, I am dead inside. And I Soooo want to  myself.

No reason to stay, my husband is just ignorant. Long as I am here, he thinks I am OK.

Sorry for the bad typing.... I CAN spell, I just can't type.

Does ANYBODY HEAR ME? Been a long time, if so. I am so alone, no friends, alone, just me.

Thank you for reading this,
*hugs*
Shy

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 10/5/2009 9:57:15 AM (GMT-6)

Ok. I understand. Still, I am alone. I didn't know this was just for young people. I'm really sorry. Thanks for caring.
~Shy

Thanks for caring, Jamie. Nobody knows, or sees what I am. My son was my rock. We are so much alike. He helped me, a lot, when I felt down. I didn't even KNOW he KNEW I felt bad. We have so much fun together. (had). One day I told him that I had been depressed a long time. He said he knew that, already, and gave me a hug, like a 'clinging hug', and said to just remember people care, and keep trying. And I am, but it is so much harder, now. You should know, that I was always the STRONG one, in my family, never depressed. Then I got physically sick, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Asthma, IBS, heart problems, a LOT of things. Now, so many people are depending on me.....all at once......and I WILL do all I can. I WILL. BUT all I can won't be enough. I have nothing but bad news. No friends. My family was my life. Since my Dad died, it fell apart. I am the only one caring for my Mom, me and my daughter, she takes care of her, too. My mother and daughter KNOW I am depressed, but I don't say anything to my mother. My daughter 'gets it', and is ok, when I DO say something, but she is my child, I can't burden her, you know? My husband. Cares, but just can't seem to, or is willing to DO anything. AND I am so far down. I honestly do not know what I should do! I need kore than a 72 hour evaluation, I know that. BUT, unless I hurt myself, or someone else, no long term (30 day) facitlity will keep me. I tried that once. My psych sent me to one as an inpatient. 30 or more day stay, at the time. THEY wouldn't keep me UNLESS I already TRIED suicide or hurt, or 'might' hurt someone else! I KNEW I needed help. So, I lied, said I TRIED to stab my husband (which I did NOT).....he was there, and was like, "What?"...till he knew what I was doing. They said ONLY if I actually TRIED to KILL myself OR someone else.....They would not admit me. MY doctor KNEW I needed to be there. She was upset they didn't admit me.

And I'm alone. That's the worst part. If I am numb, and just sit there...nobody cares. I'm not bothering anyone. So, until NOW, I guess, nobody really knows how bad I really am. I 'seem' normal. To people outside, that is when I GO outside. But, I am dead inside. Worn out. Stressed to the max. I DON'T want to BE here, It's been so long, way over 10 years. Lots of medication.....nothing works. Nobody gets it. I'm tired. Sick of myself, I just want it to stop. Funny, I am NOT a whiner....nobody really knows....just here. Glad I came here. Thank you so much for caring. Thank you. It means so much to me. Somebody cares. I'll remember that. Thanks. I just want to sleep, for it to end.

hey sooty. meds have kicked in, need to sleep, but before i do i want to know that you are safe. i admire your courage in posting. you have been straight up, this i respect, time to unburden some things. i want you to be a little at ease. hey, you deserve some luv and care too!! my healing compassionate luv to you. keep safe. check back later. jamie