Just broke up.....and its my fault...

So we just broke up forever 2 days ago and the week prior she needed time to figure things out, determine what she wants for her own life, etc.  This breakup initially started 8 weeks ago....She and I met IMMEDIATELY following her decision to leave her marriage....and I mean IMMEDIATELY following....like the day of !

We started out things as a FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS relationship but I quickly realized that I had real feelings for her, and truth be told she did too.  Well that began a whirlwind relationship....we were VERY MUCH in love.

Then I screwed it up.  I started hanging out on a social networking site and began texting or calling other women.     wasn't interested in relationships with any of these women so I'm really unclear as to why I did it at all.  I have started to go to counseling about 6 weeks ago and trying to get to the heart of my self-esteem issues (as this is why we both believe I sought the attention of others) but the counselor doesn't seem to listen to me.  She wants to focus on my relationship and what happened there. 

I KNOW where my self-esteem issues come from.  My father and I had a very tense relationship growing up, he treated me like crap and yada yada yada, well my father and I have since gotten those things discussed and we get along great now and talk almost everyday.  My dad and I are great friends now but I suppose those wounds are still deep....not so much with my dad...but with others;  specifically women !

So what do I want now ?  I want to get over HER.  She and I were together for 15 months and saw each other virtually everyday.  I really, truly felt she was THE ONE....and now I'm knocked over wondering how the heck to get over her ??   She has cited other issues as well;  i.e.  we have different religious beliefs, my two sons live 3 hours away, I hate my job (we work for the same company and see each other potentially everyday) and she never had any downtime from leaving/divorcing her ex-husband to starting a relationship with me....so there's plenty of reasons I guess NOT to get back together but I just love her so much that it hurts on a continual basis. 

I don't know what to do with myself ?!  My day to day has been about work, my boys (til my ex-wife moved 3 hours away with them ) and HER !   Now my boys live 3 hours away so I see them on the weekends.....and now since we've broken up I have MY JOB....which I can't stand !  I don't recall what my life was like prior to her ?!  I hate the fact that I can't seem to start healing.  Yes, I realize it's been 2 days but my gut tells me its really over....so why doesn't my heart hear my gut ?

help !

ready2heal

 

it is early days. take some reflective time to think and heal. the gut heart thing, yeah been there, albeit it is different for us all. take care, i wish you well. keep working with your therapist, and on yourself to. jamie.

dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

your in emotional pain. there is heaps i could say, but what i feel is most important is that life is a journey, some parts of life are good, some about pain, loss and filled with raw bits, some are lessons, some is just life. we are all on a path, each different and each bit of the path takes us into our future path. sorry for your hole in your heart. your pain is more because of your sincerety, i understand this, totally. my lady has passed, 3 years this dec, although my love for her has not changed but our love and total love has allowed me to love again in this life. i set her free, and in doing so our love is perfected and now i can love again in this life, as i know my lady who loves me dearly wants me to be happy again in this life. i hope this makes sense. sorry for your situation. healings to you. jamie