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Posted 11/10/2009 3:05 AM (GMT 0)
im in 7th grade and gay. my family are pretty much anti gay and are always making fun of thme they have no idea im gay either. i am depressed because i feel like ive always let my whole family down. even since i was young. i always hated sports hated hanging with guys and loved chilling with girls my parents have never been truly proud of me truthfully the only thing i do is fight and my parents arent supportive of that  either its more of a thing to do with friends. i feel like if they knew i was gay they would be further dissapointed in me. i cant help it its just how i am and my parents have never really understood me well. i am afraid to come out about it because since im in 7th grade no one understands and losing my friends would be devastating to me. but also i am on a self destructive path while holding it in. and  knowing kids in my grade every guy friend of mine will get the idea i like them the worst of my depression is that i occasionally hurt myself my knuckles havent healed in about a year from what ive done and its horrible i really noticed this in 5th grade when i saw this one guy and its nevr been the same since i just need advice on what to do stay in about it or let it all out its ll so confusing to me
Posted 11/10/2009 5:22 AM (GMT 0)
Chris,
Just wanted to welcome you to HW. Hopefully Christy will post to you. She has gone through some similar struggles & always has so many encouraging words for people. Her HW ID is TeNNiSd0C09. While waiting for others to reply, you might even look back a few weeks at some of her posts.

In any case, please do take care of yourself. Regardless of what your family thinks of you or anyone else being gay, your life still has value. You still deserve to have peace & joy like anyone else. You are always welcome here, but one other site you might try checking out is The Trevor Project site. They have links to counselors all across the U.S. who work primarily with gay and questioning youth. Their site is: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources.aspx.

take care & be safe,
frances
Posted 11/10/2009 9:43 AM (GMT 0)
hi chris, frances is exactly right. you are who you are.  peoples sexual preference is their right. i am not phased, i appreciate that at a young age this is hard/awkward to deal with. before coming out i would seek some support and info. you are a human being, and thus a person. be you. i admire your courage in seeking support. yeah some people are still misinformed regarding peoples sexual preferences, and i hope this invalidation in society is soon rectified. jamie.
Posted 11/10/2009 4:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Chris,

Like Frances said, I have been through the very same thing. When I was in 7th grade, I didnt worry too much about it because it was who I was. I didnt tell anyone because I didnt think they HAD to know... it was just something I kept to myself... But, after years of holding it in... In 11th grade, I finally lost it and I HAD to tell my friends. I told them and they were all okay with it. In fact, they had all known anyways! lol... Most of the time, people can tell....

But, its a very difficult thing to struggle with, I know thats fact. My family is very much anti-gay... my parents, not so much. But they dont talk about it. However, the rest of my family always has something bad to say and Ive always kept my mouth closed. I just figured what they didnt know whouldnt hurt them.

I personally dont think you can change who you are. And its not your fault it others dont agree with that. We all have our opinions. A lot of people dont understand what its like having to deal with coming out. It is one of the hardest things to do. There is A LOT of fear involved. You fear losing your friends, your family... you are afraid you will never be accepted.. afraid you will lose everything and you will be nothing.

However, I can tell you, when I finally decided to come out, it was the hardest thing I ever did... BUT, it was the best thing I ever did. It was so freeing to just be me all the time. I was still the same person, but I felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. Its like no other feeling. But listen, please dont think that you HAVE to come out right now.. you can wait as long as you need. You will know when the time is right, trust me.

Im not sure how old you are, maybe 12-13ish.. 14 maybe... anyways, I think in most places you have to be 14 in order to see a therapist without your parents knowing exactly why. I want to encourage you to continue talking about this. Its hard to accept yourself some times but its just a part of you... its not WHO you are. I know so many people and Im a really nice person and so many people enjoy being around me and talking to me, and they wont know that Im gay.... and when they find out, they are fine with it... because its not who I am... its just part of me.. and I dont feel like I have to tell everyone I meet. Let people get to know YOU. Then, it wont matter if your gay or not.... they will see you for who you are... not what you are.

I want to encourage you to check out a few websites. TheTrevorProject is amazing. They have a phone line you can call 24-7 and they will help you. Try looking at GLAAD, Soulforce, GLSEN...PFLAG.... there are so many resources out there. Anytime you need to talk you can email me also, just click on my screen name and it will take you to my profile, my email is listed. Feel free to take advantage of that as often as you like. I will do what I can for you and I understand what you are going through. Also, I would like to encourage you to go to your school counselor or a teacher, someone you can trust. They cant repeat what you say... and they cant turn you away if you say you are gay. They are ethically bound to help you. I went to my school counselor for like 3 years! I went like every week...sometimes several days a week! I still go talk to her and Im a freshman in college!! It is a really good thing. If you are not comfortable talking, write a letter and give it to him/her... and then go back and they will tlak to you. Thats what I had to do. But, I really encourage you to do this because you always have someone on your side. You are never alone and you will have support. They can help you. 

As for coming out now or waiting, I would say wait until you are you ready. Wait until you are completely comfortable with it. No one has to know RIGHT NOW... its doesnt matter. You dont have to tell the world.. like I said, its not who you are... You can wait as long as you want or you dont have to wait. It is different for everyone. So, do what you want.

Also, I wanted to touch on your destructive behavior. You are NOT alone. I did the very same thing. Occasionally, I still do. Its not the right thing to do... but at the time maybe it helps... but in the long run, its not your best option. There are so many other things you could be doing. Im 18 now. Im a freshman in college. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. And I still talk to my school counselor. And theres nothing wrong with that! Im not ashamed of anything and I dont regret anything... I have gotten help for that and now Im fine with being gay. I have a girlfriend now and Im happy so, its pretty much behind me now... and as time goes on, it will be in your past as well. As hard as it is now... it DOES get easier. It gets better.

I am a part of my campus Gay Straight Alliance and running for Vice President. I do a lot of advocating for gay youth. Which reminds me, an excellent site to check out is: youthnoise.com  it has a channel called "tolerance" and there is LOTS of material on being gay. I am personally a featured blogger over that channel so I know there is a lot of helpful stuff there. You may also want to try trevorspace.com  it is very similar to myspace, however it is for any gay, ***, bi, trans, questioning, or ally person. Perhaps you could go there and there may be other people in your area.

Well, this is really long, but its something that I care a lot about. I am going into Social Work and Sociology and Family Studies with a concentration in gay/*** youth. So, this is something I really enjoy doing and I will help you as much as I can... so, take a breath and give it some time. Email me or post on here for support... and things will work out for you!

Take Care,
Christi

Posted 11/10/2009 5:12 PM (GMT 0)
Christi,

Thank you for the wonderful post.

Chrishiss,

Welcome to the forum. I am hoping that Christi was able to help you with your struggles.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/11/2009 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
thanks for the support everyone ive told my school counsellor and plan to tell my best friend sometime today i hope he takes it well yeah
Posted 11/13/2009 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
all the best with that. jamie.
Posted 11/13/2009 5:35 PM (GMT 0)
let us know how it goes.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/17/2009 6:35 AM (GMT 0)
ChrisHiss,

I hope things go well for you. Way back in the early 1970s, when I was in the 7th grade, I felt that I was gay, and I felt terrible about it. I could just imagine the look on the guidance counselor's face if I had tried to talk to her about that, ha ha. Kids and teens just didn't talk about those things in those days, especially in my very conservative hometown.

I told no one about my feelings and tried for many years not to be gay. I tried to date men, have boyfriends and even talked about marriage with a couple of guys. It was a joke. Thank goodness people don't have to go to such lengths these days to try to "fit in" with the larger society.

I do believe, however, that it is nobody's business but your own, and if you don't feel safe or comfortable talking about it, then don't. Especially at 12 or 13, I mean, there is no harm in keeping it to yourself. Don't worry. And like you've just heard, people kind of know anyway, and when the time is right, they will probably be OK with the news. Just my 2 cents.

DM
Posted 11/17/2009 4:50 PM (GMT 0)
DM,

Thanks for you wonderful, understanding post, I am sure he will feel good when he reads this. You sound like a very understanding person.

Have a great day,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/17/2009 10:23 PM (GMT 0)
aye i told him he took it well alot better then my mom i told her to we havent talked since other then to nag about homework. but of course he couldnt just not tell people and now im the school fag=[
Posted 11/17/2009 11:35 PM (GMT 0)
You know what Chris.... normally I wouldnt have a sense of humor because that is a serious matter... however I just came from a Social Work seminar for leadership and being a better person etc..

One of the greatest things I learned was that we have to have a sense of humor. When someone says something to us, we need to brush it off, or say something funny.. it can be empowering! And often, those have something to say, dont have anything to say when you stick up for yourself. When you have self confidence. In this situation... I would hate to be the school "fag".... however today where Im at in my life I would respond to that with something like "awesome, do I get a badge?!" and I would laugh and just turn something bad into something not so bad... I also learned that adults on average only laugh 12-14 times a day... compared to that of a child... they laugh on average 500 times a day. And that is the difference between children and adults. Often, we wonder how kids are so happy go lucky and everything.... its because they can forgive and forget. They can laugh. They know how to talk about things. They arent afraid to stand up for themselves... they dont think about the past or the future, they live in the now...

So, I learned that sometimes we just need to laugh about things... I would most likely ask you... what do I need to steal your school "fag" position away from you?!.... Im going to challenge you.. I bet I can become the school fag.. lol Im better at it anyways.. nah Im just kidding with you... but its a way of learning how to be self confident.. and often times GLBT peoples have to learn that a little more than others... You have nothing to be ashamed of and you are who you are... What other people think shouldnt matter... be who YOU are.

Sorry I rambled on... but that seminar really was very inspiring to me so.. lol.. Now Im going to rub it off on everyone else!

Keep us posted and take care
Christi

Posted 11/18/2009 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
Christi,

I just loved your post. Keep up the great attitude. I learned something today from you and that is wonderful. I know about being in the now. But I never looked at it the way you explained it with children. That was so cool. You rubbed off on me too!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/18/2009 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
I want to go laugh now. Thanks, Christi -- I've got a date with 4-year-old.

Hang in there, Chris. I know it feels pretty icky right now, but being honest with your mother will help her come to terms with reality. She may need a little time to adjust, but the fact that she's hounding you about homework shows that she loves you no matter what and wants you to have the best, that she knows what's most important.

As to your friend, I'm disappointed he felt the need to share your confidence without your permission. That's not cool. But Christy has good advice. Learning to accept yourself is hard, but it means embracing some of the things other people are scared of or intimidated by. You are a great person. You know that! Don't let their teasing get you down. You're better than that. You are coming to terms with who you are and not running away or trying to hide. Kudos.

serafena
Posted 11/19/2009 12:37 AM (GMT 0)
well i think i will laugh it off but today the therapist said  you are depressed well that just didnt help much so then i guess ill just have to move on from the past and live in the future.
Posted 11/19/2009 2:48 AM (GMT 0)
Chrishiss1,

Live in the present. Not the future, or the past. You will get through this. I know things seem hard right now. Probably traumatic. But things blow over and people forget. So look forward to that.

You are a really good person. And I am sorry that your friend spread gossip about you. That wans't very nice of him at all. I am sure that this caused you a lot of grief. But it is over now, and they will go onto somebody else soon. Be proud of the person that you are. You are human just like everybody else.

Take care, relax. Be you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/19/2009 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hey chris. i'm in grade 12 and just last year i started dating a girl. and i had to go through a lot of stuff with my parents and it is hard, i know it is. grade 7 is a lot different than grade 12, junior high i was so much different than i am now, but if you're gay you're gay and maybe telling your parents is too much for you at this time but maybe you'll surprise yourself. i know i did. my father was furious withme but in the end i dind't feel bad. i felt bad for him, and he learned to get used to the fact that i really liked the girl i was with and that was it.
i suffer from depression too, and the whole thing was a bit much for me but it was just one of those things that had to happen.
i'm sorry that you have to deal with this alone. i really am. i wish parents were more understanding about people being gay. i also used to cut myself and i did for a while after the whole coming out to my parents but i stopped and its so hard to stop but i did. i haven't in a few months and i hope that you can too.
good luck with everything.. and if you ever need to talk feel free to sendme a messasge on here or something.
Posted 11/21/2009 6:52 AM (GMT 0)
you know, I never really "came out" to my mother... I did to my siblings, but I never sat down with my mother and said, you know I'm gay, right? But she does know. Over the years she has said some really hilarious things unintentionally, like with my old girlfriend, when I was in my 20s, we came over for the weekend and as we were entering the house, she said, "well, take off your clothes and do whatever you do." I guess she meant to say, take off your jackets and get comfortable, but who knows. And now, instead of just saying, "tell ***** I said hi," she will say, "give ***** a big kiss for me." And I will have the most hilarious image in my head.

I guess kids still throw the word "fag" around, I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe they are secretly fans of Glee on Fox tv and think you are cool.

-- DM
Posted 11/22/2009 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
Howdy Chrishis1!

Welcome to this forum.

Just wanted to add that "depression" comes in many forms - not all of which require medication, i.e., environmental which is what it sounds like yours is -shorter term depression due to circumstances, not a chemical imbalance in the brain).  (I write this because I was misdiagnosed and couldn't work for 2 years once from all the wrong medications they had me on. 

I'm guessing you felt very let down when your mom did not want to talk about it and guessing you

felt a big betrayal by your friend when he told a lot of people at school (which was not his story to tell, but yours).

When I feel the way I am just only guessing you are feeling, I'll listen to music that empowers me, like "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera, sing it at the top of my lungs (usually in a car is a good place... hee) and listen to it until I'm satisfied that no one is going to bring me down.  "You ARE beautiful in every single way" and "words can't bring [you] down" - only if you allow them in. 

I totally agree with the person who wrote about coming right back with a funny comeback.  I lived a lot of my life that way, for different reasons (to hide my real feelings of despair from abuse, neglect at home and bullying by siblings and their friends, being the youngest isn't always the greatest!)

Anyways, wanted to welcome you to this group.  I'm a/sexual by the way.  FINALLY realized there was a word for why I didn't like $ex - that took me about 44 years.  I'm 49 now.

We are really all the same, have the same feelings, have the same needs (regardless of what gender the feelings and needs are towards).

Chin up and stay your cool self!!  yeah

Very warmly,

Julie O'

 

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