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really cant see the point anymore

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Posted 1/11/2010 12:48 AM (GMT 0)
Hi all,

i'm sorry to be bragging about myself here where i'm sure people have serious problems and mine's just ridiculous but i just don't know where to turn to, maybe someone's got any advice...any at all, im just panicking and totally lost..
i've been diagnosed with depression 10 years ago, been in the mental hospital twice, been on zoloft and litis and xanax and clonazepam and lexotanil and what not, and all of it at once, as well as various combinations of these but nothing seemed to help so i just quit taking drugs, and i could cope for nearly a year now but i feel its all collapsing, i havent slept for days, havent been out of my apartment, totally paranoid and just curling up in my bed chain smoking. I just dont know what to do at all, and alltogeheter feeling guilty to be in such state since physically im perfectly healhty, im 25, got a great job and should be a successful and fun and cheerful person but here i am being a total wreck for no proper reason at all, and i dont want to talk to my parents or my friends cause its just stupid, i just need to kick myself in the bottom and get up but i cant.........any advice, anyone?...thanks and sorry again...



{I had to edit due to Forum Rule #1. --serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/10/2010 10:11:25 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/11/2010 1:30 AM (GMT 0)
I have dealt with depression since I was able to remember. It wasn't that bad at first, but by the time I was 8 nothing every went right in my life, and still hasn't. I don't remember what happiness feels like, I've lost all excitement for things. Every little thing goes wrong for me, and I go by everyday of my life feeling completely hopeless, lonely, and sad.

What keeps me going is the fact that I do not want to hurt my friends and family by doing anything suicidal. I honestly don't see things getting any better for me, in fact I only see them getting worse and worse, like I'm a curse, just building up power as I go. I'm not going to let it win though. Something good has to happen sometime in my life, and I hope to feel happiness again one day.

I don't know how to be of much help, because I myself am helpless, but I thought I would just share some of me.
Posted 1/11/2010 1:43 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Devoured...i just dont see the point on hanging on anymore, thats all
Posted 1/11/2010 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
Never give up hope. You sound like a bright person and it sounds like you have a lot going for you. This time of year is hard for everybody. I think it is the season for depression. KNow that we are all here for you. I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/11/2010 3:20 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Karen, it's just that i feel completely disabled..i feel paranoid about my work - im a freelance journalist, and the work just keeps piling up and i cant force myself to do anything about it; afraid to talk to my friends cause i might burst with my anxiety and panic and suicidal mood; afraid to annoy and disturb my parents about it; afraid to contact anyone, really, in fear they'd think im just a sucked up spoiled brat;running out of my meds;i dont want to end it this way but i cant stop myself thinking, so what?


{I edited due to Forum rule #1 -- serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/10/2010 10:11:04 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/11/2010 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Hi MellonCollie:

I was there, just a few months ago, and you'll be glad to know I'm doing SO MUCH better now. Don't give up. You will get through this. It's time to get help, though. You need to talk to your psych because even if you are taking your drugs as prescribed, they're clearly not doing the job. You also need to contact a therapist and find someone you can talk to. You don't have to talk to your friends or family if they won't understand -- I can certainly relate. But what you're feeling isn't stupid, it isn't something you should have to beat yourself up about, it's an illness. A therapist can help you see more clearly and give you a proper sense of perspective.

Hang in there.
serafena
Posted 1/11/2010 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi MC,

I totally understand how you feel.  I do agree with Serafena, you should try counseling.  You will get an objective view of things.  It is so much help.  I go regularly and it does me a lot of good.  Sometimes you become friends with your counselor in a way, and it is easy to talk to them.  So give that a try.

I hope that you feel better soon.  I love photography, have a small camera and use the photos as a screen saver.  It is nice to see summer photos in the winter.  Makes me feel warm. lol...

Take care,  keep posting as we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/13/2010 5:04 PM (GMT 0)
hey, depression is a medical condition. alike me if you had t1 diabetes you would get that treated. remember that depression is an insidous beast, it creeps up, it has huge impacts, thus i would suggest a chat with your doc. new medications on the market are helping, (and they are always getting better) yeah i have been on just about them all, albeit i am finding that with help from my doc i am and will get there. for me it is all about management. i wish you well, jamie.
Posted 1/13/2010 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
MellonCollie, please know that you are not alone in your thinking. Most of us have been there and revisit that dark place on occasion. Please remember that dark thought are truly temporary. While they drag on and on speaking from personal experience, once you open up to a qualified counselor or social worker and start meds, things will improve. All good things take time and are worth fighting for. Hope is wonderful and you can have it again. I have posted elsewhere on this forum with a couple of hotline numbers which you may benefit from. Let me know if you would them. Promise us that you will stay safe until we chat again. You are worth it. You are loved and your family and friends I'm sure would be happy to accompany you for help if you simple ask them.
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