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I need help, but I'm afraid to get it.

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Posted 1/11/2010 6:23 AM (GMT 0)
I'm so scared.  I'm a 16 year old girl.  To the un-trained eye I suppose my life wouldn't seem very bad.  I have parents who love me.  I'm active in my church and in school.  But, I'm not happy.  I've never been happy.  I don't ever know what to think and I'm so scared to tell my parents.  A few months ago my dad found out that I had been .  People  for attention usually I guess but I really just wanted to be inflicting my own pain.  My life was out of control because I was letting other people run it and hurt me.  I don't know how to feel in control of anything.  My mom has so many medical problems and my parents are so stressed out already.  I don't want to bother them with this.  I don't want to disappoint them or stress them out anymore then they already are.  It makes me lie.  To cover up everything I lie about everything.  I've hurt so many people in the process of my lies.  I'm sick of it all.  I haven't  for a while now but I really don't know how much longer I can hold out.  I know this is all stupid and I should just move on with my life.  But I don't know how.  And I'm terribly sorry for wasting your time by writing this.  I just don't know what else to do. Someone please.  A word of advice.  Something.  Anything.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/11/2010 9:23:13 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/11/2010 7:56 AM (GMT 0)
hi loveless. i am jamie, male and 37. i know what you are going thru, i did the same for many years. the problem is that it can lead onto a more serious mental illness. like me. severe borderline personality disorder. i think it is really important for you to talk with your dr. your dr. can refer you to a trained specialist for therapy. in the mean-time talk with someone you trust. depression is an insideous beast, it does not discrimimate, it does not care, thus i feel you need to talk with people for support and help. be it a school counsellor, priest, etc. a good step is to contact your local area mental health team. these people are specialists and can give you giudance, therapy, support and referal. please seek assistance. we are not supposed to talk about SH on this forum, but i did so as i feel you needed to express yourself. with compassion, jamie. 
Posted 1/11/2010 12:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi loveless,

Thanks for joining. It's good to have you.

Don't downplay the seriousness of depression. All of us have had the same feelings you have: my life isn't so bad; why can't I just get over it? Well, it's not that easy sometimes. Can you talk to your parents about feeling sad? Are they open to getting you some help? How about your priest/minister? You could also talk to your counselor at school, or the school psychologist. The best way to work through these things is to talk.

Hang in there!
serafena
Posted 1/11/2010 12:50 PM (GMT 0)
I know my parents love me and would probably do their best to help me but parts of me don't want to change if that makes any sense. I don't know what it is. It's like, I feel if I don't have these issues people won't care about me. I had a really good friend who for months and months listened to my problems and did what he could to help me, and I knew it had to stop because I could tell I was draining him. He's not a therapist and it's not his job to counsel me on my personal issues. So then when I stopped talking to him for a while I felt like he just didn't care as much, which caused me to lie to him about something really serious and I hurt him and it sucks. And now I'm back to where I was before. He would love nothing more than for me to get help but I still feel like he doesn't care as much as he did before. I've been trying for a while to work up the courage to talk to any sort of counselor but I'm bad at speaking words. I don't like the way people look at me when they physically hear my problems.
Posted 1/11/2010 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
you will be okay. that is their job. you have done well in talking with us, i urge you to continue to be brave and take the next step. with compassion, jamie.
Posted 1/11/2010 3:01 PM (GMT 0)
I'll probably only take the next step if it presents itself.
Posted 1/11/2010 4:06 PM (GMT 0)
i get that you are young, i get that this sucks, i get that you are miserable, and i get that you do not want this. the sooner you accept that this is a medical problem that needs attention, the sooner your healings will be. i feel for you, if only i took the advice i have given you when i was 15. with compassion. jamie.

ps, sorry for being a tad direct, just I DO NOT WANT YOU GOING DOWN A SIMILAR AND VERY DESTRUCTIVE PATH. I HAVE BEEN ON IT, IT IS VERY NASTY. KEEP POSTING AND TALKING WITH US, WE CARE. YOU ALSO NEED TO CARE about YOU AS WELL. LIFE IS PRECIOUS AS YOU ARE.

 

HEALINGS AND PEACE. JAMIE

Posted 1/11/2010 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
I think there are other ways to find help. My own sister is a psychologist. That's not what I need. And I don't think I need medication either. I don't know what it is that I need but I'm pretty sure those things aren't it.
Posted 1/11/2010 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Loveless,

I don't understand what other ways there are for you to find help.  You need to talk to somebody professional about this.  Coming here is good too.  It is just that we are not suppose to talk about self harm, so be careful with your posts. 

You sound like a very bright young adult.  But I think you need counseling badly.  It would really help you.  I know that your sister is a psychologist, but talk to somebody who will be impartial abuot your situation.  It would make it a lot easier for you. 

Keep posting, as we are here for you.  We do care, and you sound like a very special person.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/11/2010 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
I do apologize about posting about self-harm. It completely slipped my mind. I am a strong person and sure I talk to other people about my problems but I would like to handle them on my own.
Posted 1/11/2010 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
Going to counseling would still be handling them on your own.  You are taking the steps to get help.  We all go and it really does make a difference in your life.  Especially if you find a good one.  So please make the effort. 

We can help you some, but we aren't professionals, just similar people dealing with similar things.  So do keep posting here. 

Thanks for understanding about the self harm.  It is good that we know that you were continplating it.  Now we can understand what you are going through.  I did have to edit your first post though, but enough of us read it prior to and do understand what you are up against.  Try not to go that route. 

You are a special person, always know that.  And I hope that we can help you some.  You sound very intelligent and you have a grip on your problems.  But there is nothing wrong with getting professional help.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, as we all have had to go through that. 

Takde care my friend.  Keep posting and know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/11/2010 4:46 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry. I don't know why I even did this in the first place. I'm not like everyone here. My problems aren't even serious. It's just me over-reacting to the way I've been treated by guys. I've been to a therapist before and I've never been diagnosed with depression. I've never take medication because it's not really a problem. Maybe I was just tired last night when I originally posted. I don't think I belong on this website.
Posted 1/11/2010 5:06 PM (GMT 0)
That is your choice Loveless, but know that you are still welcome here. Maybe your problems aren't as bad as you think, but you do deserve to be happy.

But if you are doing self harm, you do need help.  So please stay on top of that.  I think you are depressed, maybe in denial, but coming here was a cry for help.  So please do take care of yourself.   Don't be afraid.  We are here for you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/11/2010 5:22 PM (GMT 0)
Happiness is relative. I am way less concerned about myself than the people around me. My consideration for self harm was a mere blip on my screen here. I wouldn't do that to my family and to my friends. I made a promise to them that I wouldn't and I won't hurt them like that. As far as they know I am happy and that's what really matters to me. I don't want to disappoint them anymore.
Posted 1/11/2010 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
It is very obvious that you don't want to hurt your family.  And I think that will be the key to you being well.  You will be doing it for somebody else, but be well for yourelf too.  You matter.

I am glad that you feel happy.  I hope it stays this way.  You are a good person.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/12/2010 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
The whole story might help you understand this. I fall way too easily and hard for guys. Like I'm sure is common with many 16 year old girls. I fell for my best friends brother who is two years older than me. about 2 and a half years ago we go kind of involved. He completely took advantage of me. He neglected to tell me about is girlfriend and then when he told me about her he said he was going to break up with her to be with me. That night I told him I was in love with him. Months had past and he still hadn't broken up with her and my guilt was becoming inbearable. So I broke and I told her what had happened between the two of us. Of course she didn't believe me. She went to him anyways and asked him about it. He told her I was crazy. That I was just trying to break them up because I was obsessed with him. Then when he talked to me he made it pretty clear that he hated me. That he never meant what he said and that he was simply trying to get into my pants because he was bored and he knew I like him enough to not stop him. After that things got harder for me. This crushing pain has never gone away. This feeling he made me have like it was all my fault will never go away. I've hated myself for telling the truth and doing the right thing. Even with all this stupidity I'm still just waiting for him to come around. I'm just waiting for him to realize that he's as in love with me as I am with him. If I don't matter to him then I'm sure I don't matter to anyone else.
Posted 1/12/2010 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
Dear loveless,
Honestly, if I had a bit more time, I would pull up my old posts from when I first started posting here so you could see that they are almost identical to what you are writing. I felt so horrible. I thought I was just a drain on society. I wanted to get better at hiding my misery, but I didn't really want it to go away because I was sure I deserved it. and even if I didn't deserve it, I felt like if I wasn't miserable, than all that misery would be out in the world & would land on someone else. so it may as well have been me.

Over & over again I refused to get help. People kept suggesting counseling, but really talking about my problems just made them worse. Art therapy helped some, but I got frustrated with that. I was put on one anti-depressant after another & all they did was make me worse -- more depressed, more agitated, more desperate. I was so sure I would never act anything out, but then one day I did. Somehow, I survived and I made a commitment to my best friend that no matter what I would never try anything again. Honestly, it was so awful, so painful for a while I didn't need any convincing. But I just couldn't shake off that awful feeling. Finally, when my hair started falling out in globs, I went to the doctor and they ran several tests that showed I had serious underlying medical conditions that were causing me to feel so horrible most of the time.

I don't mean to say that everything is totally perfect now. It's not. But I have so much more energy. I can sleep at night & go to work. I am on medication, but not anti-depressants. I take synthroid (for hypothyroidism), birth control pills (to regulate female hormones & prevent anemia from having my period 3 weeks every month), iron & b12 (for pernicious anemia). I had so much working against me that it was nearly impossible to fight negative thoughts.

But what has made a difference in how I feel about myself has been volunteering & helping others. My favorite book is "The Night is Dark and I am far from home" by Jonathan Kozol. He is an educational sociologist who has a totally different take on depression. He admits that some people do have biologically-based depression, but his point of view is that many people diagnosed with depression & told to just build self-esteem would benefit more by facing and working on some of the troubling things they see in the world. There is a lot of injustice in our world & each person is created to fill a place in this world. There are things to be done & people to be helped that only you can handle. Maybe there are underlying physical causes for why you're feeling the way you do -- if that's the case, a medical doctor can help. Maybe there are psychological issues that you could benefit from discussing with a counselor or minister or teacher or friend. But sometimes I think that sadness we feel is a catalyst to help others or work to change our world. It is a call to volunteer. It is a motivator to ask someone how we can help make their life easier. Many faith traditions teach that we are created to serve god & others. But even if you don't believe that, there is a demonstrated benefit from taking something we're good at & using it to help someone in need.

I know from my own experience that while the medication & high dose vitamins did make a difference, what finally got me feeling like I have earned my place in this world was connecting with other people & helping them out. When I was in high school, I loved working with an after school program that promoted literacy and social skills in first and second grade at-risk students. Hearing from their teachers that my work with the children made a real difference in their grades & behavior was so rewarding. It was amazing to think that me & one other person could have such an impact on the lives of 12 young children.

You will make your own decisions about whether or not to seek medical or psychological or spiritual help, but regardless, I really want to encourage you to try volunteering. If nothing else, it will get your mind off your own problems and on to other people's problems for a short while. Most likely your pastor, teachers, coaches, maybe even parents, can help you find a local charity that could use an extra volunteer. A couple hours a week can make all the difference.


peace,
frances
Posted 1/12/2010 3:50 AM (GMT 0)
I volunteer often actually. It's something I do with my church as much as I can. It does help. But only for a while.
Posted 1/12/2010 4:39 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you!
Posted 1/13/2010 4:19 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe try different activities. I know for me I felt sorta okay after volunteering at the retirement home. Honestly, I left feeling like I tried so hard, but ultimately the people I worked with would just end up feeling down again the next week when I would return. Some of the other volunteers didn't mind, but I just felt discouraged. But I found I really enjoyed working with younger kids (not babies, though -- I think they're too much work). Many of the other volunteers hated the kids saying that they were violent & unappreciative. It's true that sometimes they would act out & hit the volunteer staff, but I always saw it as part of my job to teach them to have some manners so it didn't affect me. And wouldn't you know, in the end they knew better than to even look at me cross-eyed. ;)

So I would just encourage you to think about what you are really passionate about. What really bugs you about the world? What are your skill sets (they don't have to be a perfect match; I couldn't speak Spanish to save my life, but I loved working with Spanish-speaking children & it led to me choosing that as my major at the university)? Keep in mind that you have so much to learn about yourself, others & the world. There is so much wonder & beauty on our planet & you are part of that. Maybe it will take a while to see it. Maybe you just haven't found where you fit in yet, but that just means you get to practice being patient (it's a good skill, trust me). Things will definitely turn around for you somehow. It might just mean being a bit more proactive.

In the meantime, I'm sure that the ways you do volunteer (whether formal or informal) really do matter. A teacher of mine suggested keeping a Warm Memories box and putting all the notes & cards from people I helped into it. And for the times when I wouldn't get written notes, I would write down when people would say something nice about how I helped them. Yes, it only happened 3-5 times per year, but over time they have really added up & when I feel depressed and useless, I read stuff out of my memories box & remember that in spite of how I feel good people in our world would not be able to make the difference they're making had I not been there in their time of need -- people who do full-time ministry work in third world countries, people who teach in the inner city, people who volunteer at crisis call centers, people who run programs to keep homeless families safe & off the street ... So even when I can't convince myself that I'm not making a direct difference in the world, I am reminded that the smallest things can turn someone's life around and they in turn can accomplish huge things.

I hope that helps a bit. Hang in there & keep thinking good thoughts.

peace,
frances

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good natured, if there is anything virtuous, if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things and the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:8
Posted 1/13/2010 4:34 AM (GMT 0)
I'm a baby person myself. I've wanted to be married and have kids since i was like 8. I love caring for babies more than anything in the world. That and singing, is pretty much my whole life.
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