Not sure how to keep going anymore

Hey,
I'm not sure this is really best suited for a depression board, but I've been having varying emotions, and have felt depressed a large amount of the time. about a month ago, I was going home for Christmas break and I was raped on the way. The only person I've talked to about it is my boyfriend, which is hard since I don't feel comfortable talking about it often and he just wants me to share my feelings with him. Honestly, I can't believe it happened. It seems foreign and alien to me. My body doesn't feel right. I've had anxiety attacks and jumpiness whenever I leave the house or whenever someone touches me, but mostly I've just wanted to lie in bed all day and sleep and eat. I don't really feel like crying most of the time, but I don't want to see anyone. I feel different than I ever did before, like it made me someone else, and I hate it. I feel like my life means nothing and everything is pointless. When I do cry, it's devastating. I have a history of depression and self mutilation, and I'm afraid that I'll fall back into it when my boyfriend isn't around. I hate that I feel so dependent on his presence to keep me from harm and panic, but there's nothing else I feel like I can do. He makes me more comfortable than I would normally be. I am beginning to feel suspicious of him, though, for no reason, something I think is part of my immediate aversion to men. I don't have insurance or money, so I can't get professional help, but I don't want to live in varying states of panic and depression and hating myself all the time. I feel like I'll never get better, and that my life is just one huge mess and has no point or purpose. I feel like an idiot, like I'm the one whose fault it was, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I never feel completely safe. Sorry if this isn't the appropriate place to post this. I just don't know what to do. If there's anything anyone can suggest, I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Please get help now!! I've been there and YOU ARE WORTH IT! I strongly encourage you to call one of the numbers below:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline--This network sponsors various suicide prevention activities as well as a national hotline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Suicide Crisis Center--Various suicide resources, including lists of suicide hotlines by state (national hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE), tips for what to do if you're feeling suicidal, and links to Suicidal.com for more information.