Loss of spouse depression

dear bob, so sorry over your losses, you have my sincere condolences. grief is a difficult thing, and a very personaql thing as well, i lost my partner awhile back and i know what you are going thruogh. time does help you heal, and heal you will. however you do need to grieve. there is no right or wrong way. getting some help can help with this process. maybe a chat with your doc will help with some compassionate referals to appropriate people and services. bob, you have been brave in posting, when you are ready continue being brave and seek some assistance. in the meantime we all at hw are here for you. i send you compassionate healings. take care. jamie.

I called and spoke with my doctor about this yesterday afternoon. He said that there are no support groups like that around here that he is aware of. In fact, it was he that recommended that I do the google search that led me to this site. Sorry this post is so long, but I don't know who else to turn to for advice.

I live in the backwoods of southwestern NC, in the middle of nowhere. Friends and neighbors here are few and far between, as the region is sparsely populated. There is not even cellphone service here. That was one reason we had chosen to move here, to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Probably the biggest drawback is dialup internet is the best we can hope for. Those neighbors that do have satellite internet are not happy with it, as they say it is as slow or slower than dialup for doing anything other than just downloading files.

I am faced with some hard decisions, and just don't know the right ones to make. We were going to just build a cabin here, but wifey wanted to get a manufactured home in order to get moved onto our property faster. She had the hope that we could build our cabin later, and rent out the manufactured home. I refused to put our paid for property up as collatoral on the mortgage, so the interest rate was high, 11%. Due to failing health issues, the cabin was never built, but I did have a fully insulated and climate controlled metal building built out back several years ago that is fully paid for.

We have been paying on this 30 yr mortgage for over 10 years, and even made principle payments, but the payoff is still way more than the manufactured home is worth. The mortgage is in wifeys name only, and they still refuse to deal with me when I call. I told them she is deceased, and they said that her estate is now responsible to make the payments. Where we live, there is no estate when there is a surviving spouse. Everything that was in her name or jointly owned is now in my name only, as I have already done everything required at the courthouse to do this. Except for the manufactured home and the mortgate for it...

I am now faced with the decision to either force the mortgage company to repo the home, or to try to get them to deal with me. Please understand, wifey knew that I was against the purchase of this manufactured home from the beginning, but I supported her decision 100%, and helped her in every way to make it a reality. As she became disabled, she grew to dislike this home as well, as it was not built to proper handicap standards, and getting her in and out of the home for her many doctor appointments per week was difficult. I had to carry her up and down the stairs nearly every weekday. A month before she passed, she actually apologized to me for insisting that we get this home. I assured her that it was likely the best decision at the time, and that I did not blame her one bit for asking for it.

I now hate living in this 3 bedroom 2 bath home by myself. I can set up a bed in my metal building, and be quite content living in there. I have enough storage buildings on on my property to put everything from the home into. I know I'm not supposed to make any major decisions during this grieving period, but I do not think the mortgage company is going to wait for long. I had words with them a few weeks after wifey had passed. I had to transfer ownership of the homeowners insurance policy into my name, and they were not too happy with the change. I have been making the payments for everything for all of these years, and it was apparently never an issue, until now.

Bob

My heart and prayers go out to you. It appears u need serious counseling. Sometimes the burdens of life is too much for one to bear. I lost my mother, father and son. Most of the feeback is right, the pain will deminish in time but never go away.
when my mother died, it was like I got a painful wound that would never heal...it took several years for that pain to deminish. I seeked spiritual strength, friend and family support was super. Thats what u need right now. Surrond yourself with positive people. I found healing well about the best out there. I have prostrate cancer and this site has helped me a lot. I will be in the chat area tonight around 8pm if u just want to talk in the room depression or prostrate cancer...just look up lucious...take care and god bless

Bob,

You have my sincerest condolences. I know how hard it is to lose a loved one. I lost two family members (My brothers) on the same day in the Iraq war. It is nearly 3 years, and I still cry. But the pain eases, to wear it is bearable. I went into denial for over a year. They were my best friends too. My doctor two weeks after their deaths did the unmistakable thing, brought up the war. I flipped out, cussed him out went in shock, shut down and cried nonstop and quit talking. He knew something was wrong but I went unresponsive. He put me on depression meds and put me in counceling not knowing what is going on. A year later, I said my apologizes to him and told him about my brothers. He told me he would of handled it differently if he knew. However, the counceling really helped. I am at the point where I can talk about it. But honey you need to grieve, you got to let it out. Don't bottle it all up like I did, and be upset for things you should of said. I was mad at both of them and wasnt on talking terms with either. Now its too late for me to turn back time and tell them I'm sorry and start talking to them. Keep talking to us, it will help a little bit.

compassionate prayers and luv. jamie.

keeping busy does help deviate your mind. whatever works for you. always around bob. with kindness, jamie.

Yes it does Jamiee, I get to try to forget, at least for a litte while. Until the car alarm goes off for no reason, again. Then I remember that I left her ashes in the car, again. She reminds me ;-)

Thank you Resh. Hugs back... you certainly need some at this difficult time in your life.

Bob

Bob my heart hurts for you, and I hope you can see a light at the end of your tunnel. I KNOW you will be with your wife and daughter again. Some people die alone without a love as great as you and your wife share. Pray to God to lessen the pain until it is your time, but know that two special people await you. I can only hope my wife and I can be together as long as you two were.