It's hurts to breathe...

I don't want to sound like a whiny , So i'm sort of hesitant posting on here. :/

I understand their are dozens upon dozens of others in the world far worse off on this planet, which is why my problems seem so insignifigant to me. :/ But...

It's so hard to breathe. It feels like theirs this huge weight, pressing down on my chest, and I don't understand. I don't understand why I'm so sad, all the time. 

 

And I just HATE me. You know? I go through these periods where I won't eat for days, then when i'm home alone i just eat, and eat, and eat. Then I feel disgusting and fat, and berate and belittle myself, for hours.

I'm bi; It hurts to know my parents, (Who divorced when i was 4-ish) probably will never accept that, or that they will assume it's just a phase. It darn well isn't a phase, its who i AM. :[

My friend says she understands that everyone has self-fear; People are afraid of themselves. But she hates the fact that for me, it goes so much deeper, 'till it became self-hate. She said a, "beautiful girl like me should think that way about herself; it hurts to watch" And i cried for 2 hours, because im NOT beautiful, nor will i ever be.

My stupid mom hates me, i'll never be good enough, my sisters are all better. I'm the youngest of 4 girls, and people always assume that the youngest is coddled and spoiled, but that isnt the case for my family. I get tossed to the side and ignored constantly; If I don't do perfect, it gets blown out of preportion, but if I DO do well, its unaknowledged, as it's not as if my sisters haven't already done it. So I just quit trying. There are so many times a day when i just want to go to sleep and never wake up, so i can stop trying, so failing. Im so tired all the TIME, it just ughh. I just want it all to end.

Can someone just...I dunno...-sigh-

I guess i needed to rant, hmm? :/ Help me, please. I need someone who can emphasise. Thanks.

-Leah

 

I had to edit your post due to forum rules, we cannot talk about self harm.

Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/23/2010 8:19:36 PM (GMT-7)

Endoftheroad,

You seem to be wanting to do things to please others. And are worrying about what others think.. Like your mom, you said that if you don't do perfect, she gets upset with you and when you DO do good, nobody notices, so you quit trying. Well, you shouldn't be trying for others, you should be trying for you. It almost sounds like your excuse not to try. But don't let that happen. Still have pride in what you do, whether it is great or not, know that you tried the best that you could. That is what matters.

You said your friend said that you were beautiful and you thought that you are ugly. Just because we don't like the way that we look, doesn't mean that nobody else does. Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. And everybody has different tastes.

Start exercising, and start eating healthy. So when you do bing, bing on salads. Foods without a lot of calories.

Get counseling. You need to talk to somebody about all of this, and may need medication. There is always that chance of a chemical embalance. But you could just be moody. And maybe a mood stabilizer is in order. Talk to your doctor and get hooked up with some therapy. CBT would probably work for you.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen

maybe an annoymous help-line? with compassion, jamie

i feel that way sometimes. I have been overweight my entire life. And i noticed that the older u get, the harder it gets. I consider myself pretty, but when people in my family constantly joke on me, it makes me think otherwise. Including my brother. The first thing he picks on when he's mad at me is my size. And it hurts so much b/c thats suppose to be my best friend! I dont tell him how i feel, i just keep it inside and hold malice and just cry and stay in my room. But i as u can see, i have a problem. Staying in my room all the time isnt healthy! I just feel safe there and i wont be harmed, ridiculed or bothered if im there. But anyways, do things that you love to do. What do you love to do? What makes you happy? As i do, you too suffer from low self-esteem. So, a project for you is to find things that make you happy and embrace them. This will be a subtle start to fixing it. Dont worry about your parents. Worrying about your parents at this point in time will make it even harder for you to fix your esteem issues. Completely forget about what ur parents or anyone else thinks or might think of you and work on yourself. Always bring out the positives cuz all the haters in the world will dwell on the negatives for you so, that part is already dealt with lol. Go shopping, get your hair done, pamper yourself, treat yourself like royalty. How can you love someone else if you cant love yourself? Ponder on that question. Good luck.