Just Need to Get It Out!!

I'm not going to say my whole story because it is much too long and complicated. If you're going to respond, just pretend you know what I'm talking about because I don't particularly feel like relaying the entire situation. I'm not good for him, I end up hurting him more than I do him good, but he's my best friend and I love him so I can't just stop talking to him. I hurt him a lot, I led him on and let him believe maybe we could be something again and then I tore it all down. He said it's the biggest breach of trust he has ever felt in his life. He never thought I would be the one to hurt him this much, he never thought I was capable of it. But I did, I hurt him so much and he will never trust me like he did before. We'll never be as close as we were and we will never ever be the same. I don't want to be his girlfriend again. I just want my best friend back. I broke up with my boyfriend and I can't even talk to my best friend about it because it's the same person. And my other friends would just judge me for leading him on, they'll say it was a *****y thing to do, and it was, but I don't want to hear that. I just wish everything could be back to normal. I was so happy last year, and even over the summer. I was always upbeat and okay with things and happy. And now it's like life is conspiring against me, and I don't know why. What did I do? Did I do something wrong? I see God trying to peek through with these good things, getting a job, traveling somewhere I've never been before, but they're all just overshadowed and pushed to the side by everything else. I want to stop feeling emotion completely, and just be numb. I don't care if I lose who I am as a person, the bubbly, bright, smiling girl who everybody loves so much for just being purely herself. I don't have to be that girl, as long as I don't feel this every single time something happens. It's on and off, but there is always that lingering pull on me that makes me know I am still just as miserable. It's only junior year. I hope it will pass when the year ends. Maybe summer will be good, and senior year will be back to normal. Because right now, I don't feel like feeling anything. I want to be in a coma until things get good again. Everything is just a consequence of my emotions, so eliminating my emotions is the answer, right? If you read this whole thing, thanks, and I'm sorry for talking for so long. I just really need somebody to talk to right now who doesn't know who I am and won't judge me. I hope I find some friends here who I can reach out to until I become happy again. Thanks!

Dear rsdkfj , I'm sorry your feeling so down , its very hard when a relationship changes and we aren't prepared for it .You may just need for some time to pass so you can both heal , talking about it is a good thing , the suggestion of a counselor to talk to is a good one , they can help guide you thru your situation .Give yourself chance, things may feel better in a couple days , hang in there . Good luck to you .

Thank you both for your support. I thought about counseling, but I don't have any money to pay for it with. That's why I looked online for free support.

Thanks! Like I said, it comes in waves. Usually I get very upset when I have nothing to occupy my mind, which is often times at night. I'll probably post the most then because that's when I need the most support.