So this is my first time here but I don't know where else to go until Monday, and honestly I don't know if I can make it that long. I really need advice or just someone to talk to and get their opinion on what I should do.
To start off I have had depression for most of my life, ever since my parents got divorced when I was 7, I'm almost 20 now. My depression began getting really bad my Junior year in high school and I began drinking constantly because of it. Eventually I stopped drinking and began becoming happy over the summer. Then Senior year rolled around, I hit an all time low. There would be days where I would be great and then all of a sudden I would start going into depression spells, constantly thinking about
or just ways I could make all the stress and unhappiness go away.
I am now a freshman in college and I do not know what to do with myself. I have met 1 true friend and 1 soul mate, I could never see myself not spending a single day without them. I found out a few weeks ago that my truest friend is moving out of state over the summer and possibly for the next few years. On top of that I have let myself slip from my college courses and I'm now flunking out, only adding onto everything. And then there is my soul mate. He is a male and we spend A LOT of time together, possibly 24 hours in some days. I love this boy more than anything in this world and would bend over backwards for him. I have done SOOOO much for him including paying for his bills so he wouldn't go hungry and homeless. I have spent well over 2k making sure he is happy, and in the long run making me happy, or so I thought. I have become so attached to this boy that it physically causes me pain when he leaves me, it's sad I know.
Lately at work I have only been scheduled less than 6 hours at week, which has me stressed because I only have 20$ to my name and I don't even have enough money to feed myself or put gas in my tank. The other night I found out my manager is purposely not scheduling me and it sent me into a funk. I feel as though I help people so much when it comes to money, food, being a personal taxi, and generally making everyone happy but myself. I broke down that night into hysterics, my guy friend by my side trying to cheer me up. He finally gave up and stormed out taking my car to a friends house. I got angry at myself and decided to punch a wall and ended up hurting myself pretty badly. I then took a walk to the highway and basically all over my town for hours up until 3 AM. This boy had the keys to the apartment and I spent hours in the stairway waiting for our other roommate to show up. I never got a call letting me know that my guy friend wasn't going to show up. I went to sleep only to wake up 2 hours later and him not being there. After that I went to where he last was and we had a huge brawl. Screaming and cussing at each other. That's when I told him I thought about
that night and thought about
it right then and there as well. Eventually we got things figured out and I begged him to stay with me until I calmed down in fear that I may harm myself seriously. But he ended up leaving and coming back home a few hours later.
I'm so scared of losing him, he's the only reason I have kept going everyday for the past 7 months. He's recently met another guy and has started ditching me for him. I don't know what I would do if I lost him, I honestly could not live life anymore. I feel like I just want everything to stop. I want all the stress, unhappiness, and anxiety to go away, and I don't know any other way then just taking myself out of the picture. I constantly think about
ways I could end things.. I mean constantly. I cannot make myself be alone anymore, it's gives me to much time to think. It's almost as if I have a list I go through, just thinking of ways that I can relieve this pain.
My question is, what do I do? I know I need to seek medical attention, but I don't know if I can last until Monday. Am I over reacting and just stressing myself out on things that my never happen? Or am I just crazy and it's all in my head. I try and tell myself to be happy, but there's this voice in the back of my head that just tells me that I'm a worthless piece of crap. It's like it's telling me I can't be happy, that there is no way for me. I'm not sure if this is totally all of my of my depression's fault or the fact that I can no longer . I feel like I hate myself.
Any Advice would be wonderful.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/25/2010 8:18:50 AM (GMT-6)