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how do i keep him and myself happy?

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Posted 5/30/2010 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
confused i dont know wat to do...we married two years before...it was alright in the beginning..it was a love marriage, we know each other for the past eight years..and now we are 24years old...he joined for an mba course in another state while i stayed at our home town...it was alright till the first year was over until hubby was staying in a hostel..and then last year he moved into a house with friends..these friends had studied with us in school and had ragged me mentally for two continous years then...now he does not have time for me at all..i have to wait till 1am in the night and he gets angry if i dont wait...he wastes time making food for five hours per day..bathing for anther two hours...and roaming around on bikes in the middle of the night...and drinks heavily everyday..and shouts at me before thr friends...he gets angry when i try to tell him that he is wrong and make up stories that my character is bad and that i like showing off my body to everybody..its not that he wants to leave me...sometimes he shows his love..once in a bluemoon...i dont want to give up on him..the truth is i cant...i love him the way he is..his anger and al..but i find it real difficult to take it without a break of 'one word of love'..im not supported by my family..they think that i dont love them and that he is the biggest mistake...he was my bestfriend..since school..he became my dad, mom ,sis brother..and now i'm like a burden to him...his friends there make him drink everyday...i cant kill myself coz that will destroy his life...i know i'll be happy only if he is..but i dont know how to keep him anymore..it is like he has decided that hw wont be happy with me..he tells me that im responsible for all the bad things happening to him and us..and that i never give him any peace of mind...maybe i am...scared of him getting lost and hurt by the way he is living...i always tell him..that he is wrong..but i do tell him when he is right to...he just cant hear that i in particular can think that he can be wrong..to him...im his possession...nobody can have me...he hates it when i talk to friends or family...and so i never talk them...he hates it when i dont wear a shawl when i go out and thus i can only wear a churidhar...i'm not frustrated that i have to do this...it makes me happy when i live by his ways...but he is never happy with what i do....he says i live as i wish and i treat him like a dog..he verbally abuses me evrytime he is drunk and angry at me....i want him happy again...it will kill me if i have to let him go..but if i leave him...will he be happy...its another truth that he cant do without me..i have to make his daily plan..remind him of his routine work or important dates..he will be a mess without me..and it will make him all the more angry if im not there..what should i do?? please dont ask me to leave him...i cant..i never can..i cant love him enough in this life...what should i do?? im stuck in my body...it all started when he moved to those people....please help me..i have no other means of support...please...
Posted 5/30/2010 2:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Welcome to the depression forum.

What I am reading is not good. First of all, nobody makes him drink. He does that on his own. and you are not responsible for his moods. He owns them too.

As long as you stay with him, you will be unhappy until he changes. There is no excuse for the verbal abuse. And I worry that it will get worse.

I know that you don't want to leave him. You feel that he is your sole existance, but that is not true. You are your own person and deserve to be happy. I am sorry for your situation, but if you stay, you have to continue to live with this. You both could use some counseling. I think that you should go to it. It is a great form of support and you will learn self confidence. Think about it. You are not happy, and you wont be as long as he continues to drink and be selfish.

I hope that this helps some. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but it is the truth.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/2/2010 5:58 AM (GMT 0)
how do i do what is right when i know what is true and still cant do anything about it...he has promised to not drink until hi exams are over next month...he never keeps his promises...but i never give up hope....he will never be ready for counselling..as afar as he see it..its only me who needs counselling...anything that goes wrong with us..it coz of me..i can live unhappy my whole life..but i dont want people to say that he is a bad guy..coz he is not...he does care a lot about me...the only thing he is bothered is about my security..im falling ill always...i fall unconcious with low blood pressure and nobodys knows it..i wake up 4m it on my own in my room fiding my bruises all over me, n i broke my head twice..and i get these shivers..more like fits...and it happens when he is on the phone...and he just cut the phone and not bother..and when i find strength to call back after all this is over..he blasts me again...i cant tell anybody how sick i am..i fell ince and vomitted blood..but he is not bothered...i cant eat anything and puke everytime..i try not to tell him of my problems anymore coz it irritates him...what should i do when i know what is right and still i dint have the strength to do it..and maybe its too early to decide something...maybe when we are togrther again it will be alright..he is good when he sees me...he does not do it when with me..it just happens when he goes wy...we have just started...its not yet time...i promised myself to take everthing that comes with loving him..his moods, his anger, his possessiveness, everythingi cant give up on him.....its not right to expect only good things from your loved ones na???...its not fair...
Posted 6/2/2010 6:44 AM (GMT 0)
HI HM. jamie here, male, 37.

sorry sweetie, as a compassionate man i could not nor would not do this to my loved other. he can NOT have his cake and eat it too!! he is very toxic for you at the moment. unless he is ready to put his hand up and actually do stuff, ie, counselling and assistance for his drinking then he is only going to bring you down even further. i am sorry for the situation, i too know of the pressures when i get down (medically) as a lot of us do. vomiting, blood, etc. you need some healing time. yes maybe you guys will get back? but unless he is committed then i see no other alternative at this point. sending healing prayers your way. jamie.

sorry for being a tad direct, i just real upset by situations alike this. hugs to you. be strong, be brave and beleive in you.

Posted 6/2/2010 7:17 AM (GMT 0)
thank you for that.. but i dont know what to do... its not that he is bad...but i dont know what is happening..or what i should to keep him happy...it is so complicated..i dont want god to be angry with him..i know im not right always..but im also not responsible for all the bad things that happen in life...most of the time now i dont wana feel anything now...i dont wana feel gud or bad...i cant end my life coz that will destroy his life...he does not want my care or love...i just wish everything settles... his words hurt me real bad, they ring in my ears all the time..
Posted 6/2/2010 1:49 PM (GMT 0)
As long as you stay with him, you are going to be unhappy. Unless he changes his ways. That is the bottom line. You can't be here to make others happy. You have to make yourself happy. That is all that there is to it. You are blaming yourself for his problems. That is not right. Take care of you, and the rest will fall into place.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/2/2010 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
mmmmmmmm...i understand karen...thank you so much...but is there anything that i can do to make him change my ways??? i really dont want to give up on him... he is not like this when i he comes home and sees me in person...its like..its two diffrent guys altogether..i have to say sorry to him even when he is the wrong person or im just a difficult girl who can never adjust with anybody..so i do it for him too...i have only tried to make him happy against everybody else's wishes and wants...i dont want him to see the things i do for him...but why does he say that i am not good enough for anithing...that i can make things miserable for everybody...i feel that im not fit for this world...his words hurt me killing me again and again every second every day...he says things that i cant right here...but he says it when he is real angry or not in his senses(drunk)...i know this does not justify him..but i dont want god to punish him...maybe im paying for things that i ahve done on the past too...so im taking it without resistance...it will be over when we are together again na?? coz he does not do it when he sees me in person...it will be over na??
Posted 6/2/2010 3:35 PM (GMT 0)
You are worrying too much about his happiness and not thinking enough of yourself. As long as you keep letting him treat you this way, he will continue. To put it truthfuly, stand up for yourself, or get out of this relationship. That is the bottom line. but are you going to any counseling? I think it would really help you to get stronger. He is not showing you the respect that you deserve, but you are enabling him by trying to compensate for what he is lacking in the relationship. I know that you love him, but you should love yourself more. Going to counseling would teach you how to love and respect yourself. You truly need that right now. I am sorry, but as long as you stay with him in these circumstances, you are always going to feel hurt and unhappy.

I hope that you consider counseling in this matter.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/2/2010 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
the truth is i dont have money with me to go for counselling...im not employed and i dont want to ask my parents coz they will not first of all approve of it, they think ill be stamped as amad girl for life, and secondly theyll blame me for him and tell me how i destroyed everything...because i side him they wont even take me to a doctor...some time back due to my periods i had a lump which opened up and was continously bleeding...they woudnt take me to a doc, saying that it was a shame to them that i have it and it coz im dirty, i have my bath twice daily..they wont let me go out with my friends...i was in house arrest for the past two years since we married...they tell me im the reason they have a bad life..that im the reason why they dont have peace...i dont have anybody...god will be angry with me if i killed myself...i knw he loves me even if nbdy else does...that he will sometime bring something good into my life...that the only thing keeping me alive...my parent and him...both blame eachother for evrything about me...nobody wants to take my responsibility...to my parents i should be like my younger sis, i tell them evrything truthfully, thats why they think i am dirty, but she hides everything she does and become the best daughter...i dont want to be her... i cant cheat anybody...what should i do??? i cant go for counselling...
Posted 6/2/2010 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Try this

http://www.moodgym.com

See if it can help you.  It has helped others on this site. 

You are fighting an uphill battle.  You have to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.  You have to disregard what other people say especially when they are saying that you are the blame for everything and that you are not a good person.  Let them say what they want.  But you have to learn to not let it get to you.  If you are going to continue with this man, you have to over look what he says too.  Or else you are going to go crazy.  He does not respect you.  It sounds like he doesn't love you either.  If he did, he would be kind to you. 

If you have no money, go to the department of social services and get some help.  They should be able to help you to get counseling.  And that is what you need.  If you really want help, you will try. 

I hope that he starts treating you better.  I hope that the moodgym helps you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen.

I just thought of another one http://livelifetothefull.com

It is suppose to be a good site.

 

Posted 6/2/2010 9:41 PM (GMT 0)
i dont know...he promised he wont drink again until his exams are over and now because he is angry with me because i asked him where he was..he is drinking..its 3 at night here...i cant sleep...he is not in his senses, and is sleeping..he didnt shout at me today..but why does he not realize that he is destroying himself thinking of me...if i am not important as good for nothing as he says..why is he drinking and destroying himself??? im trying out the websites karen...thankyou so much... he says i talk to him with double meaning insulting him and that he is not intrested in talking to me...how can i stop loving him and caring for him???? i have not loved anybody like i love him...i gave myself to him...and now if i am oushed to leave him so that both of us can be happyi wont have myself...i gave evrything away..i dont have anything of my own now...what should i do karen???? i dont have myself....
Posted 6/3/2010 12:41 AM (GMT 0)
He is using any excuse to drink. He sounds like he is an alcoholic. But I don't know that for sure. But he can't blame you for his drinking, he does that all on his own. We can say things like thanks to your actions, I am going to drink. But that is just an excuse. Just like you can't blame his drinking for your emotions. You own them. They are yours. I am sure that his drinkings help you feel more depressed, but it isn't the sole issue here. That is you. You have to learn what you want out of life. You most certainly don't deserve the treatment that you let him give to you. I say you let him, because you are letting him run your life. You are a human being, an individual, and you shouldn't be unhappy as you are. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or anything else. You should be happy with your life and you aren't. But this is up to you. You have to find your strengths and use them. And you will. You are a good person and things are going to work out. Take this one day at a time. Study the moodgym and see how it helps you. And eventually get yourself into counseling. A counselor will help you find your strengths, and help you gain self confidence and learn your limitations with someone elses actions. You deserve respect. You deserve to be happy. I hope that you can find these things.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/3/2010 8:54 AM (GMT 0)
sorry sweetie, but this is not love- from him. you deserve respect, understanding, commitement and strength from your man. you deaserve truth, free expression, and joy, not all of this..............

please think carefully about how this is affecting you, and the relationship. i feel he is not ready at this time. sending hugs your way. jamie

Posted 6/3/2010 3:10 PM (GMT 0)
You are basing everything on the way that he is feeling. What about how you are feeling??? You are strong enough to get out of this situation. Get to counseling. They will guide you better than we can. They are professionals. We are not. We just go by what we read and what we have experienced. He is not treating you right. I wish I could change your title to your thread to "how do I keep myself happy".

Stay strong.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/3/2010 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
is there anything that i can tell him to do to control his anger...coz i know my hubby...somewhere deep inside he is still there...maybe he needs my help...is there any sites that can help in anger management...i cant give up on him...i will surely try for counselling....thank you so much for all the support...i cant tell you how relieved i feel that i can talk to you...thankyou so much... :) i have not done anything bad to anybody...so god will not let anything happen to him and me...i feel happy when he feels happy..he thinks that i dont want him happy...but he will realize it some day na...
Posted 6/3/2010 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
Here is a site that I found, I hope that it helps.  Though I really think he needs to get into anger management counseling.   Or classes.  Only he can do this.  You cannot fix him.  Just so that you know.  You can be there and support him, but you cannot fix him.  It has to come from within himself.

http://angermgmt.com/

I hope that this helps some.  There are other sites too, just type in anger management sites.  That is all I did.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 6/3/2010 4:23 PM (GMT 0)
thankyou so much...he is good today..i hope i dont do anything to spoil it... :)
Posted 6/3/2010 4:28 PM (GMT 0)
Quit blaming yourself. If his mood gets spoiled, that is because of him. He has to learn to control his way of thinking. You are not to blame...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/3/2010 9:50 PM (GMT 0)
today he is with another friend of his..not those people he lives with..i dont know if its that..but he wants to be with me..talk to me and love me...he sent me his photos...i have not got him like this for a long long time...thankyou all for your prayers..im sure that it is the reason...i hope he stays this for somtime until im ready for his anger again...until i find my strength again...thank you so much for being there...you have no idea...not being supported by parents also...i was lost...
Posted 6/4/2010 6:57 AM (GMT 0)
just do not take any crap from him. jamie.

otherwise he will just keep doing it via keeping you down-and he knows that you will not leave him. time to put your foot down. you are strong, beleive in you.
Posted 6/4/2010 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hon-

I came on this site because I was feeling super blue not only because of my situation with my husband but he is a big part of it.

What did I see but myself 28 years ago- in your post.

Please get yourself out of this relationship. I know it will hurt but believe me you will heal and get over it and find someone you deserve.

Please do not stay on this path with this person. Before I knew it the children came and then I felt further tied to this man. He has always said that he loved me but his actions don't support that statement. He is often angry and even when his anger is not directed right at me- it affects me. I am absolutely miserable.  He does not hit me but I am a broken woman emotionally. He often calls me an abuser when I stand up for myself. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave. My youngest child is 18 and will soon graduate from HS. Since the kids were little I told myself when the youngest turns 18 I'm gone. But guess what I am scared. Now I also have a health condition that makes me a ticking time bomb of whether or not I will be able to continue working to support myself. I know the hell I am living in but I am afraid of the hell I might have to live in.

Please- you are young- get out get out get out!

Posted 6/4/2010 6:05 PM (GMT 0)
i cant....if i could i would have times there are times when i feel i don't love him as much as he loves me...sometimes i know it is his inability to show his love or that he feels showing me love will mean that he is surrendering to me and that i'll rule him.,..today he is different person...his real self...he wants me near him, wants to know all what i'm doing...i'm also not a very good person...i irritate him sometimes..its just that i don't do everything wrong as he sees...he would never be ready for counselling...i know that hell be a mess without me...i cant see him like that..there is a pleasure that he gets when he hurts himself through me...sometimes i feel he is punishing himself by doing this to us...he understands everything about me without me saying even on the phone...its just that i bug him to know where he is...coz when i sit at home all what im scared about is if something will happen to him...i just want him safe and i go overboard caring for him..he feels suffocated then...i wish i could go stay with him..and look after him...i know deep inside he is always scared if ill leave him but he'll never show it out...he would rather take the pain of me leaving him than accept that he cant do without me...i feel everything he feels so clearly that nothing is hidden...sometimes i think its because of that he shows such behavior to me...cause i see how weak he can be...however hard he tries to be i always find the little baby in him...its just that now he does not have any control over himself when i care for him...he is not like this when he sees me in person..he is the most caring husband ever...true sometimes when i stand up for myself, he accuses me of abusing and using him for my needs and playing around with him...and he says real dirty things...i just want to find the strength to cope up with that....im doing the program from the website karen had suggested...its just that sometimes the pain is so bad i dont know what to do...i have not done anything bad to anybody..nor has hubby done...he never goes around judging people or doing bad things to them...god will give us a normal life...i dont want it to be happy always..it will never be.. im young but i love him so much that i know that this life won't be enough to love him...i know he loves me the same way...sometimes you most hate the person you love na...maybe its that...i know he loves me...i just want the strength to fight and bring him back...please do pray for me and for hubby....god will surely listen to all of you...he will put things right for us..please do pray for me....
Posted 6/4/2010 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
I will keep you in my prayers.

I know you don't see it but you are a very unhappy girl and there is so much more to life.

I have a 26 year old daughter who was in a 4 year relationship with a man who did not make her happy. He had some good points but there were a couple of times I thought he put her in danger and he said things pretty often that made her feel bad about herself. She is a stunning girl with a masters degree and a good heart. I really should put those items in reverse order. It seemed as if it was going in the marriage direction even though they had a couple of fights big enough to split for awhile a couple of times. I have always told my daughter not to take that from a man. I encouraged her to get the kind of education and job so that she would always be able to support herself. I however was an awful role model. I am an awful role model for my sons as well who will probably treat their wives as I have been treated and I hate myself for this.

Anyway- I got off track.

My daughter finally had it and broke it off for good with this guy. Even tho she was the one to initiate it she was very upset about it. Her heart was broken.  My heart broke for her. We cried together on the phone. I was her lifeline for a good piece. You see his friends were her friends...all guys and her girlfriends kind of got left in the background.

We discussed that she really had not been happy at all those 4 years but that she was just in a "comfort" zone with this guy.

The good news is- she was so over that guy a lot quicker than anyone would have expected! Yes she hurt- but she healed completely.

I can see the same thing happening for you.

I truly wish you all the best.

Posted 6/7/2010 5:47 PM (GMT 0)
hubby has been in a really good now for all of these days..his exams started today and he said he has done it well...thank you evrybody for praying for us...i feel so much at peace when he is calm...i dont want happy days always...but once in a while i like it this way... :-) thankyou so much for being there for me...i used to go through the maddening moments all on my own...and even if i dont know anybody here personally...the support that i have got from here is amazing....just two days of normal life feels like heaven..i told you na he is not like that always...i still dont know why he acts like that...i know its not over...but im happy that i have got the break that i have been so praying badly for...im sure evrrybody must hv prayed...thankyou everybody for being there.... :-)
Posted 6/7/2010 6:14 PM (GMT 0)
I am so happy that things are going well for you and your hubby right now. I hope that it continues.

We are so happy to be able to support you during this time.

I just want you to remember that you aren't responsible for somebody elses happiness. Though it is a nice thought that you are trying to keep him happy. But know that it is not your responsibility.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
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