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Posted 6/21/2010 1:17 AM (GMT 0)
my bf of almost 4 years derided to break up with me. just told me,over a text,we needed to take a break. he had been stressed and wanted me out of his life. then he just texts me goodbye when i ask if he wants me to move out. and now i have to deal with seeing him. we live in the same town and i will not move away.
we where going to get married and have a family. he is/was my frist love and he was the first guy i ever had sex with.
i feel like my hole world falling apart.
i now have to leave our apartment and move back in with my parents and im 21.

i have really bad depression and anxiety and always feel that everyone is out to ruin the "quiet,dose the right thing" women.
need some adivce on how to move on from this.

Post Edited (whymewhy) : 6/20/2010 7:20:33 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/21/2010 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
W-
Moving on after any long-term relationship is so hard. Moving on from your first love is even harder. It's not easy. Take some time just to feel sad about the relationship ending. Maybe write down some of the good memories that you have. If you have photos everywhere, pick a few to keep in a scrap book & get rid of any you don't want. Try to put a bit of distance between you. I realize you say you will still be in the same town -- but maybe things like avoiding the coffee shop or restaurant where you used to always go together would be a good idea for a while.

Try to schedule time to spend with your friends. If you think talking about it with your friends would help & they're willing to listen, that's cool, but make sure you also set up some time just to relax with them & have fun together. Or at least be together & not spend the time talking about your ex, your sadness, or "what went wrong" -- which all of us are tempted to do.

Remember that no one is all good or all bad -- your ex is no exception. You had a lot of good years together. A lot of good memories. But there were rough times as well -- there are in every relationship. And we learn & grow from those experiences -- the good, the bad & the neutral. We learn about ourselves & we learn about others when we are in a relationship. You learned about what you like & what you bring to a partnership. And you will bring that with you in to your future relationship(s).

Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Not very many relationships survive so long at that age. You have a better shot at age 21 of finding what you want & of finding someone else who truly knows what he wants for the long run. Your ex probably thought you were the one at the time. But people change a lot after high school, college, working the first few years & feeling like they are truly an adult.

Hopefully with the support of family & friends (and you are always welcome to post here), you will be able to get through this & grow. But there is no shame in talking to a counselor either, so if you would benefit from that, maybe talk to your family doctor and ask for the names of a few good counselors in your area.

Please take care & know that things will get better. I don't say that often, but it seems to be true pretty universally with relationships.

peace & blessings,
frances
Posted 6/21/2010 4:54 AM (GMT 0)
Hi WhyMe

First of all welcome to the HW forum, you have come to the right place to find compassionate, understanding and caring people.

Frances has given you some wonderful advice particularly about speaking to your doctor and seeking some counselling. When you speak to an outsider who is trained to listen and advise, you will be able to see the bigger picture and perhaps even understand the reasons. Personally, I think it was pretty mean to tell you via a text message but then I guess that is the primary means of communication these days with the younger ones. But I think after spending four years of your life with him, you deserved better than that.

You have to look at it from the other side too, it would have been far worse if you had been married and had children. Time heals all wounds and it is going to take a lot of time for you to heal, but you know you will and you'll meet the right person for you, try not to be too depressed, I think you are just hurting so bad right now and it seems like the end of the world, but sweetheart it isn't, you'll move on.

Keep posting and let us know how you are going because we all care about you.
Posted 6/21/2010 5:38 AM (GMT 0)
dear W, TIS' HARD, BUT YOU WILL GET THERE. with compassion, jamie.
Posted 6/21/2010 11:06 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Whymewhy,

I would also like to welcome you to healing well. Boy you have just been through a lot. I think you got some good advice just now from some very experienced members.

You will have to move on from this. And you will. You will meet somebody new in time that is the right fit for you. I am sorry he ended things so childishly. Texting is not the way to do it, but.... he did, so that is that. So much for modern methods. I don't text myself. Basically because it is hard for me, but I still think it is silly at times. But that is besides the point.

This sounds like your first love. We always remember that first guy. And I know that it hurts right now. But time does heal and you will go on. Though it is going to be hard at first. But you will get there.

Stay busy, take life one day at a time right now. See friends, to take your mind off of things. Unless you have one that you can really trust to talk to. That would be a good thing, or counseling as was mentioned above.

I remember breaking up with my first boyfriend. It was devistating at that time. But there have been many since, marriages, and all that. My first husband died of cancer in 2000. I swear that I would never get married again. Here it is 2010 and I am married again. lol... So there is somebody for everybody. It just takes time and patience to find that person. And you will find somebody more mature and who will love you and treat you good.

So take care my friend. Keep posting, let us know how things are going. We are all here for you through this difficult time.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/21/2010 11:31 AM (GMT 0)
thank you everyone for your kind words. right now its just so hard to even whant to talk to anyone about it. i have been to mental health before but they seem to me they just think im fine cuz im not bawling my eyes out everytime i see them.
today i have to go to the office where i live and tell them hes kicking me out.
then try to get all my stuff out before he trys saying their his.

hes acting like such a jerk to me when he was the one in the wrong,not me. or maybe im just seeing things in my view. idk.

anyone know how depression support groups work? like can we talk about why we r depressed or we just do exercises to help our depression?
thanks in advance
Posted 6/21/2010 11:38 AM (GMT 0)
I think with depression talk sessions, you all get to talk about what is bothering you, if you want to. It seems that they are pretty laid back. I guess it depends on the counselor who is overseeing the session.

But it wouldn't hurt to try. I know that right now you could use some extra support. And try not to blame yourself for anything. These things just kind of happen. People change. But I dont' get it, it seems like he just changed his mind about what he wanted. Did he give you any specifics? Maybe the best thing would be to move on now. No sense in beating a dead horse as they say. It sounds like he is very immature at this point. So like I said, don't blame yourself. Accept it for what it is and do something good for you. You sound like a very good person so know that you didn't do anything wrong.

KNow that we are all here for you through this difficult time that you are experiencing.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/21/2010 12:28 PM (GMT 0)
hey why,

this is a depression forum. yes we do talk about depression. feel free to start a thread about your experiences, ideas etc. here we provide peer support 2 one another. providing you stay within the forum guidelines all will be well. i look forward to sharing with you. with compassion, jamie.

Posted 6/21/2010 4:27 PM (GMT 0)
W-
When you say "depression support groups" are you talking about the lives ones -- like group therapy for people who are depressed? If that's the case, it would depend on the moderator of the group. Some are led by professionals & others are led by people who are going through depression themselves but may have little training. Because of that, the format can vary widely. I would suggest you call or email the contact person ahead of time & ask how their group works. Different formats work for different people -- some people need the structure of activities to give them a break from the negative thinking & to help them practice to choosing healthy behaviors; others benefit from sharing their stories with others who are going through rough times as well & can offer good advice about how to handle stressors. Whichever works for you is good, but you may have to hunt around a bit to find the right match for what you need.

take care,
frances
Posted 6/21/2010 8:03 PM (GMT 0)
i really hope you can make it through this.
don't do anything stupid.
i know how you feel. and it feels rubbish.
but everyone keeps telling me, it gets worse before it gets better.

as a wise man once said ''if you want a rainbow, theres going to be some rain.''

all the best. i really hope you can get through this. i really really do. x
Posted 6/22/2010 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
it just gets harder. i wake up every other hour it seems with my heart beating of my chest(excuse my spelling errors). guessing its due to my anxiety but i have no idea.


and the hardest thing is,i bought him a car,so hes been texting my mom for the last few days about that and the rest of my stuff.

from what my mom tells me,i guess hes be nice and respectful to her. but everytime i see her texing i think
"why is it that he can text my mom but why me and i wish he would open up to her on what is main issue is for leaving me and changing into someone i don't know?"

i really dont think it happend because of this,but i have a facebook account and i was looking up with kid who also had feeling for me at one point. around middle school years right before i meet my ex or maybe a little bit after that. well i found the old friends moms account and added her.
bad karma?

going to my doctors tomorrow to see if he thinks its a good idea to go back to mental health or just try uping my meds for now.
when i saw my last mental health person,they thought i may have bpd(borderline personality disorder),maybe i have been treated wrong this hole time.
Posted 6/22/2010 2:44 PM (GMT 0)
dI hope that you get the proper diagnosis. That is so important. Then you will be treated with the proper medications.

Why are you looking up an old boyfriend on facebook? I think you should be moving forward, not back. Are you on facebook a lot? You need to be getting out and doing things. Computers can be addicting and in the meantime you aren't getting else done. So try to limit your time on there and live your life without it.

I hope that things do get better for you soon. It does sound like you may have some anxiety issues too. I would talk to the doc about that.

I hope that you keep posting and let us know how things are going. Chat is today, check it out.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/22/2010 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
yes,im on the computer alot.
took you're advice karen. blocked that person mom. i do need to move on from the past.
dont think i can make the chat.
my computer is not set up at my parents so im useing my dads.
Posted 6/22/2010 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry that you can't make the chat. But glad you blocked the person on the computer. I think you will find that there is a lot more to life than that. I am on a lot too. More than I should be. My house is a mess. I don't get anything done. But I think with the fibromyalgia, I would just be watching tv anyway. So I go with the lesser of two evils I guess.

I sure hope that you feel better soon. keep up the good work my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/22/2010 8:24 PM (GMT 0)
i have a great update,
even thought they all told me not to,i texted my ex.

i was unsure if we where broken up.
well turns out we r,bad news
great news,he still wants to keep the rings and told me that hes sorry for the pain he put me though.

i think i got the closer that i needed in order to move on.
Posted 6/22/2010 8:53 PM (GMT 0)
Do you think you are over him now? I was just wondering, as he told you to keep the ring, it might give you false hope.

I am glad that you got some closure on this. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/23/2010 12:03 PM (GMT 0)
hes keeping the rings,not me and idk.
dont think i am over him.

yesterday,i got more of my stuff,he was their and had to walk outside......he left so i could help my mom get stuff to the car. i dident dare go inside.

i cried so hard.
Posted 6/23/2010 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry,

I hope that you can one day get over this. It takes time. I am glad that you have your mom to help you. That was sweet of her.

I hope that you start to feel better soon. Know that life does go on and that things get better. There are other guys out there, and some of them are really nice. When you are ready, you will meet somebody else.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/23/2010 4:18 PM (GMT 0)
Heya Whymewhy, sorry I'm a bit late to reply but I have been away from my computer a lot recently. What you are going through couldn't be explained any better than gut wrenching. I am 25, have had a few relationships since my first love...but to tell the honest truth my first love is still just that, my love. Real love never leaves 100%, otherwise it was not ever true, but you can control and redirect the loss. Even after all these years I still see her from time to time...and it's like all the air gets instantly sucked out of me. I realize now though that it was not meant to be, that the same love that I had in me is still there, that it didn't leave with the person who I mistakenly gifted with my feelings. It hurts, it takes time to build back up, to repair the rips and tears that you feel in what you felt was once a solid, palpabe, real thing. You CAN keep going, you will find an even better, even more understanding guy. If he ended things how he did, then you are better off because now you can find someone who deserves your affection. Look forward, leave the past behind you and focus on the myriad of options, opportunities, and places you could go.........and just think, that is just what you can think of right now. ;-)


Christian
Posted 6/24/2010 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
hey everyone,
thanks for all the kind words.
idk why but i feel in a really good mood.
im picking on my dog,picking on the rain
(we have this leak in my room because of the roof and i put the bowl down to stop ruining the carpet and staring coming out of my room saying "drip drip drip,say it with me simon!(my dog! lol) drip drip drip)
i think talking to my doctor may have help today,
going to mental health on july 13th. seems too far away. their really booked because i called them back to see if they had an earlier date and kinda rudly(unless to me) the lady was like "sorry. we r booked up.sorry mam"
in a kind of snotty teenager attitude
Posted 6/24/2010 1:59 AM (GMT 0)
Hi WMW,

I am so happy that you got an appointment even if it is a couple of weeks off. It will be here in no time. In the meantime, keep posting and keep saying, drip, drip, drip...

Hugs, Karen
lol...
Posted 6/24/2010 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
W-
I'm sorry the lady was so bratty towards you, but I would suggest that you call again tomorrow & ask to be put on a wait list (if they have one). You did seem to turn the corner rather quickly & if you are bipolar that could be the real reason why. I know you're feeling really good right now, but with bipolar you pretty bad, then really good, then crash to an even lower place than before. Ideally, you would get in to see the doctor before thing turn and get really horrible again (and they ALWAYS get worse again with bipolar -- that's just how it works).

If it's too much for you to deal with the scheduler lady, maybe you could have your mom call. I'm just very concerned that you will crash and end up dangerously depressed if you have to wait all the way until the 13th. Please let them know that you were feeling very depressed & now you are feeling really, really good. Tell them that a prior doctor was thinking you may have bipolar. All psychiatrists have appointments available for urgent situations (don't call it an emergency, but it is considered urgent or emergent if you are now entering a manic cycle). The manic part of bipolar is not really healthy either, but the worst thing is that it is an indicator that a really bad depression is going to follow.

I'm not trying to diagnose you, but with you saying that they suspect bipolar & that you went from being so depressed to now feeling really good sounds a lot like that may be the case. Bipolar is very manageable with medicine. They can keep you from getting the really bad depression & can help you be able to rest and get proper sleep during the manic times.

Take care of yourself.
frances cool
Posted 6/24/2010 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
thanks Frances,
i tried calling other places to get into a place sooner but no one seems to be taking my health insurance. i have MVP plus medacade and because they have to bill mvp first, not even my local mental health that's right down the road,kinda,will take me!
its so aggravating.
no one seems to want to help people right away that need help.
and now i have got the stress of getting all my big stuff out of that apartment with no help and my mom and dad r not capable of getting the stuff down the stairs. dad has bad nee and mom has hard time lifting things like me.
i mean they will do it if need be but we r trying to get my uncel down here to help but he has to work alot and i just want to yell!
on a light side,wish he would have broke up with me when all of my family was near by the one day and no one had alot to do lol.
would have been easyer.
im not leaving my grandmothers bed set their. thats all i know.
even if i have to pay movers.
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