very confused. :(

Alright im not sure where to start, because there is just so much going on at the moment.
I am currently trying to sit uni exams, and i literally cant concentrate because i am just so emotionally exhausted from everthing that is going on at the moment. I'll just start from the beginning?
When i was a kid, my dad moved out and the only time i would see him, was when he came back to take my brother to sport on the weekend. i am the oldest of four, and as a child was constantly told i was a waste of space, time and money. good grades werent enough because i could have done better. i was very sheltered, and didnt have many friends. i was never allowed to socialise or go anywhere aside from school and my many various after school activities. i felt i had to protect my younger siblings from the world, and when my parents told them that they werent worth anything either, i felt like i had failed. needless to say, i didnt have much self esteem.
then i met my friend, who was going through the same things as me. it started to get better as i had someone to confide in. but then things got worse with her, and i did everything i could to make her happy. i took on everything she gave me, because all i wanted was to make her okay and smile. thats my role. i take things for other people. i would prefer to suffer than someone else. i put myself out for her, and became her everything. she was seeing a psychologist as things became too much. then one day i got a call from her family telling me she had passed on. and it was because she wanted to. i was absolutely a mess, and this is where all mu trust problems began. i saw a psychologist for a few years, and thought i had dealt with everything. i didnt blame myself anymore, and i realised i couldnt have done more than i did. i honestly thought i was going to be okay, but everything that was left, was my inability to be close to anyone and not trust anyone again.
this was 5 years ago.
what i am trying to deal with now, is the fact that i have let 2 people into my life.
one, who i have known since school, and i am almost in the same situation agaiin. she is started taking drugs when she was younger, and is now so addicted to them she isnt a person anymore. she only went to the doctor because o forced her, and she is just wasting her entire life. i dont know what to do anymore. i am really the only person who cares because my other friends are telling her to 'live while you are young'. ive had to do all her uni assignments for her this year, and she wont go and seek help unless i drag her there. she wont listen to me, and i cant lose someone i care about so much again. its really playing on my mind.
the other, is a guy i met at uni last year. we have connected on a level that i never saw as possible. he is the only person in the world who knows everything about my past. he is really the only person i trust completely. we were seeing eachother for a little while but he broke it off. that hurt, but not as much as the reasons behind why. i know i have alot on my plate, and i realise i expect too much sometimes. but he just walked away. when he knew, how much i need stability. i know i should have probably opened up to other people, and not burdened everything on him. he has his own stuff to deal with, but will never accept my help. he is my best friend, and he has no idea that what he had done, brought up everything else with my friend. the abandonment, lonliness, and complete emptiness.
ironically, he then came back into my life, and helped me fix all of that. i have recently finally been able to let go of my friend and start to move on with my life, he gave me hope, confidence, the ability to fight again. i do not understand why i trust and love him so much, but i do. and he said i was the one person in the world he trusted aswell, and that he loved me aswell.
but in the last month, he left again. andnothing has been the same since. all i want is for it to go back. we randomly talk but not like we used to. it is completely stressing me out because i feel myself becoming unhappy again. i dont know what to do about either situation.
all i know is that i cant do it alone anymore, and there isnt anyone else that i trust enough to tell the entire thing to. because it really is too much.
Thankyou for any help you are able to provide.

Hi Laurie

Welcome to the Depression Forum, you are very brave to come on here and tell us your story, but the people on here are very caring and compassionate and you will find that you are amongst friends on this site.

I think right from the start your shoulders have been burdened with a lot of responsibility and that is all you know, it seems to me that when one lot of responsibility isn't your's anymore, you go looking for more to take on. You can only help your drug addicted friend so much, she has to want to help herself as well. I am sorry for the friend who has passed away.

Your boyfriend, to me, sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you but there is just too much stress for him to handle along with his own issues that you spoke about. Laurie, can you go and see a psychologist yourself? I think you would really reap the benefits as you are so deeply troubled with all this responsibility.

I think you should try and take baby steps, don't try and solve all of the problems of the world, take it easy and think of yourself for once, the others can look after themselves. Your parents were really cruel and hard to say that to you and also to your siblings, because unfortunately things that are said to us when we are young, stick in our minds for the rest of our lives, we probably forgive but we never forget, that is human nature.

Laurie, see if you can talk to your doctor and ask to be referred to a mental health professional. Please keep posting and let us know how you are going.

I'm so sorry for your the way you were treated in your childhood. You trying to take care of everybody has much to do with that. We do have some silmilarities.

What I would suggest to you, along with seeing the uni counselor, is to find some Al-anon meetings in your area. (Look it up on the net). These meetings are free, and for anyone who has a friend or relative who is an alcoholic or on drugs. You will find very caring people there who understand your situation. You can go to as many meetings as you want, whenever you need to. You can cry your eyes out, and tell your story, and no one bats an eye. These meetings are annonymous, and no one is allowed to repeat anything from the meetings. It's a wonderful family. I hope you give it a try.

alright i will have a look for those meetings, they sound like a good idea. i will try it.
and printing it out is a good idea. :)
ill give it a go.

Hi Laurie,

You have gotten some very good advice. I just want to add how important it is to take care of you. We help others in this world. But when it starts to effect us, it is time to step back and let the other person solve their own problems. It is hard I know, but they have to try or else they are never going to make it in this world. And we have to let them. Kind of like when a mother has to let her child go out into the world for the first time. It is called tough love.

You are going to make it because you are trying to help yourself. You are a wonderful kind person. And the world is lucky to have you.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen