Depression causing problems in your relationships?

Hi,

I have suffered with depression for 20 years now. Some years have been a lot worse than others. Right now I am having a horrible time with it and it is a direct result of my failing marriage. My husband has never been the "doting" type, but he is just flat out mean when it comes to my depression, anxiety, and panic. If I am having a tough time or he doesnt like my attitude, he tells me "go pop another pill." (I take prescription medication for the depression and anxiety). He thinks my problems are made up and he has gone so far as to call me names such as "nutcase"... etc. I am ready to throw in the towel. I took him to my therapist and he sat there acting as though he completely understands me and my issues because he knew that is what she wanted to hear. I would have already left but our relationship is complicated- we have a beautiful 6 year old boy, we have bills that neither of us can handle on our own and at the moment he is unemployed. So I stay... I feel so overwhelmed by the whole situation that I don't have the energy for anything else.

Is anyone else dealing with this type of problem or something similar? I need some advice. I feel so lost.

Hi Seaglass,

I am not dealing with this problem, but my first husband was like that. He called my medication "dope pills". I didn't appreciate that very much.

But I wanted to extend a welcome to you and let you know that we here do understand where you are coming from.

You are doing a huge thing by supporting the family. He doesn't have any type of work? That is a lot of responsibility for you to take on. You must work very hard to support the family.

Know that things are going to work out for you and that we are here to support you. You will find that this is a wonderful group of members.

Hugs, Karen

My husband used to be very unsupportive...he thought I was faking mydepression and mood problems.  When I needed him the most, he would totally reject me, call me names and just be out and out mean.  Without a doubt his treatment of me just made matters worse.  That went on for about 20 years and I never had the courage or financial means to leave. even tho I knew that would be best for me.  The worst part was I kept going to him, always thinkiing THIS time he would respond differently and be supportive.  You know, I could write a novel on all the really rotten things he said and did.  Thankfully, I had an excellent pdoc/therapist who stood behind me and gave me the support I needed.  I really don't know when or how my husband started to change...he says it was when it dawned on him that I was not faking my struggles and sometimes craziness.  Whatever, he slowly started to become far more supportive.  He still has his moments that he can get mean, but that seems to be when I really backslide and my depression gets severe, and I think he starts feeling helpless in how to deal with me.  He now goes to all my pdoc appointments with me and helped me get arrangements made for the U of M evaluation.  At the request of my pdoc, he monitors my meds (because of threats from me to abuse the meds), but he manages the meds matter of factly and doesn't throw it in my face.  I suppose because of all the years of him being so totally unspportive, I still don't trust him totally to not abuse or hurt me.  But we have definitely come to a "truce" and for the most part work together rather than against each other in fighting this lousey depression.  Last Christmas I was in no shape to handle Christmas at all, and the kids and husband pulled together and made Christmas happen.  My husband even cooked dinner for 15 people while I just sort of floated around the house in a fog.  And in the past I would have never heard the end of it, and he just took my being unable to do Christmas in stride.  He has come a long way.  But almost 2 years ago he lost his job and went thru his own bout of depression and I think it helped him understand that depression just happens and is often out of our control.  So I don't know what to tell you, except I know from experience that an unsupportive, mean spouse can only make matters worse for you.  Somehow you need to emotionally detach from him where he can no longer hurt you.  I know how it is to long for him to be someone he is not....to keep going back to him in hopes that this time around he will be supportive.  It doesn't sound like your husband will change and even tho, it sounds like you are trying to make a break from him (good for you!!) circumstances are keeping you tied to him.  I would think that would be even more depressing.  Just try hard to hang in there...go to people who will support you and treat you with respect.  And I guess kind of count the days (or weeks, or months) that you can make a final break.  You do need to be away from this guy.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. To answer some of your questions- I am the only one working right now and I do not make enough to pay all the bills. We are piling up the debt. He was in one line of work for several years but due to a back injury, can no longer handle that type of work on a day to day basis. I talked him into attending school. He graduated in May with a certification for medical assisting. It is a completely different type of work than the labor he is used to. I understand that and I am sure it is a little intimidating to start something new after so many years, but it's as if he is waiting for a job to fall in his lap. He hasn't applied for anything on his own. Since it is summer time, it is nice that he can be home with our son, but he could at least try to find something part-time or in the evenings. He sees how hard I am working and it doesn't phase him at all. My little boy is well aware of the conflicts between us. Not only does he hear us arguing at times but he also sees us ignoring each other. We are setting a horrible example for him! I have told my husband this and he says that if I stop arguing with him, he will stop arguing with me. He refuses to take any responsibility for his part in all this. Short of winning the lotto, there is not way I could leave right now. We would be ruined financially and my job depends on me having decent credit. So, for the moment, I have to stay. But how do I stay and stay healthy?

Have you thought about couples counseling? If he is not working, he should be doing a lot around the house. He should be seeking work out. It sounds like you are the sole breadwinner and parent here.

Try not to fight in front of your little one. This will make him insecure. You want to keep a healthy environment for him. Does your husband do the household chores? And cook and all that stuff? If he is not working, he should be doing what you would normally do if you were home.

How do you expect to continue paying your bills if not enough money is coming in? What do you have in mind to do? Are they threatening to shut anything off?

Have you contacted the department of human services yet? You may be eligible for some help from them with food and medicaid. He should be exploring these options for you as he has the time to do it.

I hope that things work out for you. I would sit down and have a talk with him about all of this. Write a list of everything that you want to address and talk about it. Get into counseling and get somebody to help you sort these things out.

Hugs, Karen

I am so glad, this could save your relationship. You do a lot. More than a woman should have to. Though I know that in this day and age, it takes two to keep a family going. But he needs to get a job. There is always day care and baby sitters to watch the little one if he goes to work. I know that there are situations where the father stays at home, but if that it the case, you shouldn't have to do so much other than work. You are a good person and this is going to work out for you. And I think the counseling is the best place to start. You need the extra support and that will be available to you now.

Keep your chin up. This could be a good day for you. I am glad taht you are holding a job. That in itself says a lot. Keep on keeping on as they say. And know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen