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Posted 6/30/2010 5:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hey everyone, I was diagnosed with depression last year and went through a pretty rough patch for awhile. Posted on here for a couple months and havent posted for quite some time. I went off my meds about 4 months ago and didnt keep up with managing my depression. I guess i thought it was like a broken bone, fix it and its dealt with.

So i stopped taking the meds, and my wife told me i needed to get back on them basically the next day. She told me she couldnt go through this again and i assured her that everything would be fine, i would know when i felt it coming back. Our marriage went through some big time trouble last year and its worse this time around.

She's been staying at her parents house for a couple weeks on and off and isnt sure who i am. Which is easy to understand, as i have not been myself and have treated her without respect and much contempt. Ive been so wrapped up in myself and havent been able to even think of anyone else. I want for her so bad to understand that i havent meant to do any of what ive done to her. I have done them, i want her to know that i take responsibility for what has happened. But she has to know that it hasnt exactly been ME doing it.

Ive driven her away again. I feel like im getting better, but the uncertainty of our future together makes things really hard to deal with.

Posted 6/30/2010 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Andy,

Welcome back my friend. Take this one step at a time. If you are feeling better, gradually things will get back in the groove. Let your wife know that you are feeling better and that you think that things will be back to normal soon. This is a slow process and you both have to be patient with eachother.

Take a step back, think out of the box for a bit. You will see what needs to be done. Try to be objective of the situation. You will get there, it just takes time. Maybe get your wife a card and write in it to explain to her how you are feeling. I am sure that she would appreciate that.

Take care my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/30/2010 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
I am feeling better, we have done a lot of talking about what has gone on. We've only been married since September of 08. Weve spent most of our time as a couple struggling through my depression, and she's not sure how to separate my symptoms from my personality. Weve had good times, but the bad times have far outweighed them. I know how good we can be together given a healthy period of time, but shes seen more of what has gone on with us than i have, as i have spent most of the time down in the dumps and havent been able to clearly recall everything. Ive really been focusing on giving her the space she needs right now and have tried not to force her to a decision. Its so difficult to have no control over your own marriage like now. The ONLY thing i can do is get better and hope she sees that, and hope that is enough for her. Ive spoken a lot about this with my therapist and have journaled extensively in the past weeks. She doesnt understand why all of a sudden since shes left that ive been out and about almost each night.
Posted 6/30/2010 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Andy,

What kind of things do you do when you are out and about? Can you explain to her that since you are feeling better that you have more energy and initiative to do things?

For some reason, I didn't realize that she had left. How long has she been gone? Have you been doing better since she left? Maybe that is what she doesn't understand.

I hope that you continue to feel well. Be happy for yourself. Try to take things slowly, one day at a time. Try to live in the moment. I am sure your therapist has mentioned that. You are in the beginning of a healing journey and everything should start to fall into place soon for you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/30/2010 11:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Andy

Does your wife go to counselling with you? If not, maybe it would be good for her to go to a session with you and just listen to what is being said, it might help her to understand what you are going through a bit better. Why don't you ask her to go with you next time?

I guess it depends what you are doing when you are out and about that would make her not understand. You have to look at it from her perspective as well, after all you have only been married almost 2 years and it sounds like it got off to a rocky start.

Just take it easy, one step at a time, one day at a time and see what happens. If the meds and therapy helped you last time then it should help you again.

Hang in there Andy and let us know how you are going.
Posted 6/30/2010 11:32 PM (GMT 0)
A few days before i realized again that i was depressed, she suggested we go to counseling. I responded the way i usually do, "you dont know what youre talking about", "finally, i'll be right for once". So after i knew what i had to do, i asked her and shes not ready to yet. Not only have i been pulling away from her, ive just been a bad person in general. Ive never been more ashamed of anything in my life than the way ive treated her. Shes been telling me since we've been together that i need to get a handle on myself. And ive told her she doesnt know what shes talking about. Ive made her out to be a horrible person in my own mind for a long time. Nagging, when its something simple that shes been asking me to do for weeks, i turn and yell at her. We just got off the phone and she told me again that shes going through an awful lot of emotions and i told her that she just had to know that i could never be as sorry about anything as i am for treating her the way i have. I know that in general, the depression is fading a little bit, but the guilt is so overwhelming, the helplessness of having no control over her decision to stay or go. I will get better and get to a place where i am capable of improving myself, but the anxiety of not knowing what will be there at the end is horrifying. I am a really good person, i know that i am, but in no way have i shown that i am. She doesnt know who i am, i try telling her that she at one point did see who i was, and that was a major reason i love her, she was able to cut through all my bs and see me. Its been increasingly more difficult for her to sort out my bs from me, and that has her very confused. Ive been a terrible hypocrite. Ive said some seriously nasty things about important people in her life. How I could ever expect forgiveness i do not know. Through this all theres only a couple things ive really been sure of, and number one is my love for her. I just want her happy, and i hope that she will give me a chance to get beyond this and show her again how she will be treated by me. I just need one more chance with her and i know we will be happy again. I will get better, i just want to be happy with her.
Posted 6/30/2010 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
As far as getting out, its just stuff like going golfing or hanging out at a friends house, visiting my sisters. Just wanting to leave the house in general. I havent wanted to leave the house at all, and she only sees me wanting to do this when shes gone. She is currently in a musical and is gone during the evenings, so i would be watching our daughter. I realized that i had time to do stuff with our daughter while she was gone, but i would so overwhelm myself with stuff that i thought about nothing except for what had to get done, and i didnt get much done at all.
Posted 7/1/2010 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
It kind of sounds like you need to relax and chill. Start from point zero and go from there. You are overwhelming yourself with thoughts. I think it is good that you watch your daughter when she is in the musical. It sounds like she does things that are constructive. Maybe you could do that too. Not a musical but a project. You need something to occupy your mind right now. Other than dwelling on what has happened, start fresh and do right.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/1/2010 6:29 AM (GMT 0)
yeah andy, occuping your mind is very theraputic and helpful. a project would help with on-going negative thought proceses. choose something that has given you some joy/and or releif. hoping you continue to improve. the past is that, the future is going to evolve-regardless thus i focus on the here and now. something karen has hepled me with, and instilling it into practice. still need work-but we are all wips. (works in progress) with compassion,

-jamie.
Posted 7/1/2010 6:43 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Andy

Why don't you both go to marriage counselling? She has issues with you, you have issues with her and her family and you have so much guilt inside you, so maybe you need someone who can get it all out there from both of you. Would it hurt? I think she would go, do you?But it sounds to me that your depression, and no doubt you already know this, started the ball rolling with things going wrong with you two. So you need to make sure that never happens again, stay on your meds and don't ever let things get out of hand like this again.

I am sure she loves you, wants you still to be her husband, a father to your daughter, and to make a happy home life with you. You no doubt love her more than anything, love you daughter, want to be her husband and a father but you can't shed the guilt. So you need to go to someone who can help you do that. If she won't go to marriage counselling then continue your counselling and ask the counsellor to show you how to get rid of the guilt of the things that you have said and done.

It will take some time Andy but I am sure things are going to work out for you and your wife and daughter. Keep posting.
Posted 7/1/2010 7:24 AM (GMT 0)
Andy...

I think one of the biggest problems with depression and relationships, we are very self-absorbed. which comes off the our partner as not caring about them not realizing what our depresion does to them.  But we do know that...just can't express in ways that help the relationship.  Yes, we do have to be held accountable for what we do or not do, but totally responsible...I am not sure about that.  Depression can speak loudly and not always truthfully.  I know it is a fine line between being held accountable versus responsible. 

You have to be held accountable for going off meds and the insecurities it has caused your wife.  The best thing you can do is get back on meds, possibly seek counseling, snd do this for you and your relationship.  You and your wife might benefit from couples counseling.  Spouses can only go through so much before they declare they are done.  I am not sure your wife has said she is done....she is just saying she refuses to go thru another bout of depresiion brought on by your non-compliance.  That part of the depression you can control and she knows.  You need to understand her disappointment and anger.  Abd when you find yourself getting self-absorbed, try hard  to bring the focus back to your relationship

I know I make it all seem "easy" but it is not at all.  Most relationshios have mega difficulities when one partner is depressed.  I know there have been many times my husband has been ready to call it quits when I have relapsed.  It is like he just doesn't have the strength to go another tound with me.  But whether it is fear of being alone or what, somehow I always manahe to get with the program just in time to save my marriage.  Your wife does have to realize that there will be nore depressive episodes...maybe not as severe....all she can ask of you is you do the best you can, givwn the nature of the beast.

Hang in there...ask your wife ro hang in there with you.  Wishing you all sorts of healthy growth in the relationship with your wife.

Andy...Just read so,e of your other posts...I do things backwards.  That you are talking is a good thing.  Try to get back to just good, okd chit-chat over a cup of coffee.  Not every conversations has to be dead serious.  Also, don't look too far into the future.  I agree with everone who says take one day at a time.  Learn to enjoy each other.  I know there have been times in my marriage that my Bipolar disorder and depression get SO BIG that ut wngyfs the relationships  Don't let depression become the central focus of your marriage.

 

Posted 7/2/2010 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
thanks everyone, talking to her the past few days, it looks like she'll be at her parents house for at least a couple more weeks. She is still able to talk about long term stuff though, so that gives me hope. The way her schedule is right now with the extra driving around, work and the musical shes in, she doesnt have any extra time at all. Maybe in the next few weeks when the play starts showing, she'll be rehearsing less and able to think about counseling. She brought it up just before leaving so i think she'll eventually be okay with it. Each day in general gets better, but some days are still worse than others. On a positive note, i think the last week or so has given me some valuable time to really reflect on the type of person i have been and want to be. I have lost her trust, but somewhere in my heart i know i can regain it. I feel so bad for what shes going through right now, but im starting to really realize that theres only so much i can do right now and to let go of what i cant control. that feeling has only hit me the last day or so. i think that could be a big breakthrough, a big step towards finding strength within myself. i started to cry last night while at my parents, but was able to reign it in, so i think im starting to control my emotions much better. Dont worry, i didnt just bottle it up, i went home and journaled about what i was feeling. What an amazing tool to have. Between the journaling and therapy, what a powerful combo, i have to stick with those things for a long time though, or i'll just go back to where i have been, and probably lose her for good.
Posted 7/2/2010 10:47 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Andy,

Learning that there are things in life that we just can't control, and learning to let go is some of the most valuable lessons that we learn. As we let go of these things that we can't control, it is like a weight lifted off of our shoulders. We can from then on live our lives the way that we are suppose to be able to do. It gives us more energy to do the things that we enjoy and to enjoy eachother. It is like a burden lifted. I am glad that you are able to see that. You are now able to start your healing journey. And hopefully when your wife is done with this musical, she will be able to join you. It is good that she has this to focus on though during this time. She is moving forward in a way and that is good. You both have to move forward. But stay in the moment. Not to worry about the future.

I really hope that things work out for you and your wife. Keep posting and let us know how things are going. I hope to hear from you soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/3/2010 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Andy

I am pleased that things are sounding a little more positive, at least she has agreed to go to counselling. You will find that you have good days and some really horrible days but it sounds like you are breaking through the depression gradually and things are looking brighter.

I found a short poem for you I hope you will read it, it was given to me by another HW member:

Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Posted 7/3/2010 1:27 AM (GMT 0)
That is the Serenity Prayer. It makes so much sense. I am glad that it got posted.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/3/2010 4:27 AM (GMT 0)
She hasnt told me she's willing to go yet. but im thinking she is. i know i cant be calling her or texting her all the time, but i miss her so much. some days it seems like she is fine with texting back and forth or having a long conversation, others not so much. today was a day i got one word answers to texts. I cant control how she feels right now except for it seems, to put her in a bad mood. she has to stop being so mad at me though. i know what i did, i know the effect it has had on her, but she has to know i never meant for any of this to happen. ive told her, i think she believes that. sometimes i wonder if what shes doing is some sort of test. like how long can andy go without me or something, a test to see how stable i am. if it is, i think its pretty sick. thank god for this right now, id be spinning out of control without it. grilled out at a friends house tonight, fireworks have never been so depressing. i cant help but think about what might have been the best night of my life, two years ago we were at a concert on the fourth of july out of town and at the end of the show there was a huge fireworks display. we were holding each other and it was absolute magic. we can have that again, i know we can. i WILL get better, but i need her to know that we were meant for each other and all this is is a test of our strength together. if we can turn things around from here, i know im willing to, she has to though. if we get through this, we can do anything. i know the steps i need to take, and she has to see some progress before she puts any faith in me again, i understand that. thats normal, ive hurt her, she feels like ive betrayed her. but we can be so strong, ive felt it, shes felt it, we walk into a room and people envy what we have, sometimes. when things are good, we are not just your normal couple, we really can feed off of one another and light up the room. we havent had that in awhile, maybe a few times in the past couple months, but thats even when things have been so bad. if she cant see that, i must be deranged. we are capable of giving each other so much, i need to get healthy for her to see this again i think, but she will. she just has to get over what has happen, stop being so angry at me. i'll give her time, thats what she needs, but its hard.
Posted 7/3/2010 5:56 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Andy

Have you told her all of that what you just wrote? Because she is the one who needs to hear it, to be reassured by it, to love you because of it, she has got to see also that you are trying your best, that you have hope for the future with her and your daughter, if you have already told her then tell her again and tell her to stand by your side and help you get well because I don't think it is going to be just you that has to make things perfect, you have to work together and she needs to see that and know that.

I hope you liked the prayer, it is from St Francis and I read it to myself all the time. Look after your self and think positive.
Posted 7/4/2010 12:03 AM (GMT 0)
Ive told her parts of it. Im afraid of her feeling like im being desperate, or guilting her into a decision. thats what ive done, ive been really manipulative and i dont want to do that any more. She knows exactly how much i love her. She knows im trying, but the thing is, i havent really said it on here yet. She has been telling me for awhile that she doesnt feel like herself anymore. And she is right, ive been accusing her of being such a horrible person, that its been easier to be cranky and short while im around. She needs time, and space. I am feeling a little more at ease while talking to her now though. Thats good, because for awhile now, i feel like everything has been forced, we've both been on edge around each other. I get so lonely sometimes, but i think thats good. It can teach me how to get along on my own, to stop needing her so much. I do need her, i always will. but its gotten to an unhealthy level lately. I feel really bad when shes off doing stuff with her theatre friends. Like she doesnt need me at all. That hurts. It doesnt hurt as bad today as it did a month ago though. I am usually not a jealous person, but there are definitely times ive felt jealous. I hate that. I want her to be herself and me to be myself and us to be together. Her being gone really sucks, and its hard to not think of this as permanent right now. Thats the worst, every feeling is permanent when im feeling it. I know she is trustworthy, but sometimes its hard to trust her like i would like to because shes gone so darn much. I want to know what shes doing, what shes going through. I want to be there for HER. I need to remember that this is hard on her too. Sometimes i forget that. I hope its hard on her. If it wasnt then its over. But i cant think about that. So much of what she has said lately makes me believe she wants to come back, in time. I really miss her. i feel like a dirtbag because we wont be together for the fourth of july and werent together on her birthday. Im getting back to normal day by day. But im afraid until shes back i will still have this aching feeling in my heart. She means the world to me. I want to have my girls back home where they belong. I really miss my daughter, but i dont feel so bad for her because its like a vacation for her. She doesnt have a clue whats going on and i dont know how id handle that if it was otherwise. She likes being at grandmas. im tired of my problems playing games with them. i am going to beat this thing into submission and take my life back. i want my life back. i want my girls to have their life back.
Posted 7/4/2010 12:45 AM (GMT 0)
Andy,

Can you find some type of a project to do while she is gone? Something to take your mind off of her? She is doing a wonderful thing with her life. It takes a lot to be able to focus on these types of things. I think it would be healthy for you to find something to wrap your mind into besides worrying about her all the time.

You have basically got to get a life for your own. And then you two can meet in the middle somewhere.

I hope that you can find something for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/4/2010 1:00 AM (GMT 0)
i know that i need to find a life of my own. ive been golfing more and spending time with friends. but it all seems so unsatisfying. maybe thats because im still not back to where i need to be. golf used to mean so much to me, it still means a lot. in the middle of all this, i get back to thinking about super huge questions. like what is the meaning of life type stuff. oh well. its hard to think about having a life for just me though. i want to do stuff together, and she doesnt right now. i think if i can get back to the point where she wants to come back, i will find it easier to do things for myself. i guess its insecurity.
Posted 7/4/2010 2:09 AM (GMT 0)
It does sound a little like insecurity Andy.  You are right.  I think that you should go ahead and get back into things that you enjoy and make a life for yourself.  I think that would bring her back to you.  And you would be doing it for you and her too.  Try not to be clingy.  That will only suffocate her.  She sounds like a free spirit from what you have described, but dedicated to what she is doing with her life.  You don't want to be in the audience, and you will if you push too hard.  I know that you want to be a part of her life, but you have to grow within your life in order to be able to do that.  She will have much more respect for you if you do. 

Try not to question the meaning of life.  That just brings us trouble.  Keep your mind busy with projects and work and things.  Do not dwell on our existance.  That is too deep right now.  You need to focus on the now.  Stay in the moment.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/4/2010 6:40 AM (GMT 0)
I think it is good that she has found something to occupy her time and it is probably helping her deal with your separation. So like Karen said, you have to find some projects for you, something that you can continue when she is back with you. We each need our own space, somethings that we do without our partners. I know you said you are playing golf, well that is good but what about some jobs around the home that she wanted you to do that perhaps you haven't found the time to do previously. Wouldn't it be good to have all that done a nd surprise her maybe.

It is good your little girl doesn't understand and she likes being at grandma's house. I also think you shouldn't get clingy, it will push her the other way, let her call you and run after you a little. You don't want to sound deperate, I am sure things will work out between you but it is going to take work on both sides.

Have you spoken to her about when she is likely to return to your home? I think she would be able to help you more if you were together, if you were on your meds and didn't stop taking them, kept seeing your counsellor and take things slowly, baby steps at a time, that is what I think anyway, just a thought.

Keep posting andlet us know how you're going. There is always her next birthday and the next 4th July, don't worry about these olnes.
Posted 7/5/2010 4:08 AM (GMT 0)
She came by today to grab a few things. I havent really said that our girl is my step daughter. I see her as my daughter and i leave it as that, shes my daughter and i love her the same. We were talking about stuff and shes still not sure who andy is. I havent been real sure either, but have started to remember who i am. Anyway, she basically said that she realized that she was the only one really responsible for our daughter and it absolutely crushed me. I realize that i have let them down by letting myself get to this point again, but i have never not felt completely obligated to the care of our girl. I would do anything and everything in my power to see that she is well cared for and has the best chance at success and happiness in life. I dont care that shes not mine biologically. But it really feels like shes pulling back one step at a time. I did tell her about the fourth of july two years ago and explained to her why i thought it was so great, she was herself, and i was myself, and that was perfect. The biggest problem that depression causes in our relationship is that when i am not myself, i cannot let others be themselves. ive been so messed up for so long that she thinks thats just who i am. Maybe today can be a positive in the long run even if it was horrible going through it. i think i can see our relationship as something that will take awhile to mend, but i can only improve myself day by day, and let her see who i am "becoming". i think once she sees me again, she will have an easier time forgiving me, and will want to work on us. I need to stop chasing her.
Posted 7/5/2010 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
That is exactly riight, you have to stop chasing her! That's what I said to you last post. Like I said I don't think the blame is all your's. Did you tell her how you feel about her daughter being your daughter also? I would also tell her how crushed you were when she said what she said, she has got to know. See now you're feeling crushed but you didn't do it, she did it, that is what I mean about you not blaming your self completely for your depression when she says things like that to you.

Hang in there Andy, I to think it will work for you guys but you have to continuing seeing your counsellorl as that is a really good outlet for your emotion and feelings.
Posted 7/11/2010 1:12 AM (GMT 0)
Ok everyone, big news. I asked her a few days ago about what her thoughts were concerning the marriage. She told me the same thing she had been for a month. Obviously i am not important enough to her for her to try by now. I think a month is long enough to decide if you love a person or not. Maybe im wrong. So i told her that enough is enough, if shes not coming back its time to move out. That was thursday. Friday morning i told her that i had closed the bank account, took the dogs to my parents, and grabbed some stuff i didnt want her to have. She asked why i was doing this, and i told her that if she was ever going to be there for me, she would be there now. Ive been reviewing emails, journals, texts and a couple blog posts i made last year. Its obvious to me that she isnt the type of person i need. I told her that i still wanted to work things out, but i was not going to continue living my life on hold while shes off living like a single 17 year old. I reminded her that she was 26, a mother and wife, still without a job, and not living at home. I told her that the way she is living and spending money will never be okay with me. I gave her what i thought was a reasonable list of needs i have that she will have to live by for me to consider taking her back. things such as having sex at least once in awhile, giving me support even when she doesnt want to, tell me she loves me, apologize to my mother for the way she has treated her. There were 8 things, and none of them are out of line from my point of view, these are things i NEED, i cant change them, i NEED these things to be happy with her. I told her that i didnt trust her, i told her that i was beginning to get the feeling she was having an affair. Another demand of mine was that she was not going to be out past 1am anymore. Multiple times per week in the past months she has come home well after 2am, once she came home at 545 am and had the audacity to actually be mad at me for wondering what she was doing. The more i think about things, the more i realize that SHE just might need to change more than i do. Going over all the texts and stuff, theyre full of me offering to do things for her, to make her life easier, to make HER happy. Not once did i notice anywhere where she offered to do anything for me, IN 4 MONTHS WORTH OF TEXT, AND EMAIL. That is absolutely absurd to me. I AM depressed, but i think i may have found a major cause of it. Ive got stuff to work on, and will continue to work on them, but ive realized that this relationship takes two, and the woman in my life WILL be there for me, and no matter what i do, as long as she loves me, she'll be there for me, and NOT ABANDON ME. I gave her the weekend to get her stuff out and told her that if it wasnt out by the time I get home sunday night ( im out of town playing golf with my dad ) it goes to storage. Im pretty sure shes waiting for me to call her and back down, but that isnt happening. I really knew that she was a problem when i told my family i told her to get her stuff out, they all came straight to me and were so proud of me. They had kept their mouths shut with how they felt about what she has done, and i really appreciate that. Going through all this, i found myself making excuses for her to my family to protect her image, but they saw through all of it. I AM proud of myself right now. I do hate that my step daughter, she made it very clear that i wasnt her dad, has to go through all of this. But you know what, none of it was my decision. I did some things to cause a few problems with our relationship, but nothing like what she has done. Ive told her throughout all this that i loved her, and made efforts to improve the state of things. She has not, and i will not live that way. I deserve better than her. She has been pretty heartless through all of this. She missed my sisters bridal shower, a wedding that she was in until yesterday when i told my sister what happened. I didnt say a word to her about it, because her play is SOOOO important. She told me she made a commitment to the play and couldnt let everyone in it down. Well, i told her that she made a commitment to me years before this play, and she hasnt lived up to that. Weigh the 2 commitments, which one would you guys hold more sacred? Maybe im wrong, but a month is long enough to decide if you love someone or not. A month is long enough to decide if you CAN love someone again. A month is GOD darnED long enough for whatever. God im pissed at her. I feel so much better though. Calling the divorce attorney on monday and she'll really get the picture then. Maybe she'll realize what shes lost. A guy who loves with all of his heart no matter how he feels himself. A guy that would literally do anything for her. A guy with a real good job, whos supported her through college and after. A guy willing to love her daughter JUST like she was my own blood. A family who took them in with completely open arms willing to do anything to support her. She rejected all of that, why? Who knows, its never enough for her. Nothing is ever enough. Not enough money, shes spent almost all of it. Not enough time. Not enough this, not enough that. I AM DONE with her. And i thank everyone here for giving me support while my wife would not. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
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