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Posted 7/13/2010 10:57 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I am 32 years old and I feel like I have no control over my life. I came here in search of people I can really talk to and be listened to, I feel like I don't have that in my life. I feel unsatisfied, no sense of direction in life and I cry at the drop of the hat over things I shouldn't. I did not grow up in a horrible family, to me I have always had the sense that I had to prove to them that I was not my mother (that is a different tale there) I was raised by my grandparents who love me very much. I didn't do well in school, so I didn't go to college. I bounce from job to job because I either got fired for poor performance or I quit on my own. To me, I feel like I have ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and depression. It does run in my family but my grandparents have "trained" me to hide my feelings and feel all those "disorders" are crap. I have a boyfriend who has anxiety issues, but for the most part believes me when I say I am depressed but doesn't think I have any other problems. I recently got fired from a job back in April due to performance issues. I find I get bored very easily, I hop from different hobbies due to being so hard on myself for not being good at it that I give it up and throw a type of tantrum. I am tired of feeling like this, I can't afford a therapist, I am on prozac from my doctor when I had insurance but I don't feel it works. I just need people I can talk to without feeling stupid like I feel most of the time. I am new at this so if I am rambling please forgive me :)
Posted 7/14/2010 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Vira,

Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum.  I am glad that you have joined us.  Please know that you are not judged here and you will get support.

So you are 32.  Well, the thirties were some of my best years.  You seem to find yourself during this time.  The fourties are suppose to be your healing years, though I am 51 and I feel like I am still healing.  But enjoy your 30's.  You only get to live them once. 

Have you tried talking to somebody with human resources?  They can provide you with the means to see a doctor or go to mental health.  I suggest trying that or see if your local mental health department has a sliding scale.  There is also a site that I am going to post for you that a lot of members use.  It is:

http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Give this a try and see if it can help you.  It is absolutely free.  So check it out.

I hope that you continue to post and I hope that you feel better soon.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/14/2010 4:03 AM (GMT 0)

hi, jamie here, male 37.

i have severe borderline personality disorder. it is very tricky to dx. i feel a chat with your local mental health agency can help with a clearer dx and for you to understand your condition(s) better. 1 part of the criteria for borderline is depression, although you maybe just depressed. hoping this helps. keep posting, we care. with compassion, jamie

ps welcome to the forum. hang in there.

Posted 7/14/2010 1:24 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for your kind words Karen and Jaime. I read about the borderline personality disorder when I had a month of up and downs and totally full out screaming fights with my boyfriend. Really he is the nicest boyfriend I ever had, and I feel like I push him away when I have these outbursts. It is like a switch that goes off in my brain at times like those. I just rant and rant and throw stuff and cry. I feel like I need to have control and get ticked when I don't have control. I'm not like that at all! I put up a "front" you might say like I act happy and carefree around people but inside I am scared. I made good money for a while and I blew it all on silly things. I feel like I have to buy myself things to make myself feel better. I am in debt, I avoid the bill collectors from credit cards. I finally spoke to my doctor without telling my family, like I said my Mom has a huge factor in why I feel I act like I do. She is bipolor and totally shut me out of her life. I get a card when "she feels sorry for herself and remembers she has kids". I also have a brother who has a lot of issues, I don't talk to him either. My family sheltered me from those people,therefore I felt like I escaped the mental illness side. I am going off on a tangid here, sorry I am just speaking whats on my mind. The older I am getting the more I am realizing something is wrong. I have had many relationships with guys that were nice and I broke up with them because I was "bored." I get very bored at my jobs and have gotten fired 4 times for poor work performance. I have no motivation I start a project and never follow through with it. I wish I had the money to get the proper therapy. I really hate not feeling in control.
Posted 7/19/2010 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
I do live in America, and it is hard to find a free therapist but I will try.

I am trying very hard to stay positive, but it increasingly it is hard to do these days. My boyfriend quit his job when we moved, so he is trying to find a job. I am on unemployment and have been since April. I haven't looked for a job since I was trying to keep my unemployment funds coming in for our move. Now that we have moved, I would like to find a job now and it is hard for everyone to find a job these days.

I have been trying to be in a good mood, since my boyfriend is already stressing about money and we are on a very tight budget. It doesn't help being bored on top of all of this. Is anyone in a position like this and how do you cope?
Posted 7/19/2010 12:39 AM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to say that staying busy helps me.  Find things to do such as hobbies, or crafts or something. 

I would be checking on jobs to have something to get you by when your unemployment runs out.  Has your boyfriend got any applications in?  You have to really bug people too to get a job.  The more that you bug them, the more that they know you are interested. 

I wish you both the best.  Yes, jobs are few and far between anymore and sometimes you have to settle for less than you want.  Just keep trying.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/19/2010 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Vira, welcome! =) I'm Che, 20, also new. You said you and your boyfriend are struggling to find jobs. I just went to google and searched for companies hiring...gave me a few suggestions. Places like Petco, Lowes, Target, McDonalds, etc etc. All places that probably don't require much more than a high school education or GED equivalant. I know fast food places aren't glamorous, but after only a short time of working there (maybe like 2 months) there is a pay increase and a definite pay increase by six. Even if you don't have a college degree you can still work your way up to management or shift leader at these places and I know those positions pay good money. Worth checking out if things are getting really tough. Also, retail jobs are going to be hiring coming up in the Fall for the Christmas season. Probably worth looking into. Places like Walmart and Target are always hiring it seems. I know people have a lot of complaints about Walmart, but they pay a good amount to their employees and still have health coverage and benefits. ---Just a few suggestions, you may have already checked things like this out, but there are options.
Oh, and don't worry about feeling stupid here or feel like no one understands you...we do =)

--Che.
Posted 7/19/2010 2:07 AM (GMT 0)
Thank You both I feel overwhelmed but I know deep down I can do this, and even working at McDonalds isn't too bad.
Posted 7/19/2010 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
Vira,

YOU CAN do this.  You sound like a bright young lady.  And I am sure that there will be something that you can do.  I worked at a mcdonalds once.  It was hard work, but the cleanest place I ever worked in.  I liked cashier work, though I worked in the kitchen in the beginning.  Doing eggs.  Fun, fun, fun...  Just kidding, it wasn't that bad.  The last job I worked was a convenience store/gas station.  I loved it.  I saw people that I hadn't seen in 20 years.  It was really fun.  I had to quit because of my husband's insurance.  If I kept working, we would have made too much money.  Isn't that the pits.  They punish you for trying to make a living.  But we are doing okay.  And I have my puppy to keep me busy. 

I hope that things work out for the two of you.  Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

Hugs, Karen

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