Mr.Sandbar... this is your post.

Ok here's my story. I worked at a dead end job where I was repeatedly passed over and my boss was a tyrant. i was unhappy, stressed, angry, resentful and hated my job, but this didnt effect me a lot. I was still fairly productive. Around this time i was diagnosed with high blood pressure and i had a couple of odd urinary infections. The doc put me on bp meds and antibiotics.

Maybe a few more years passed and I had lost a lot of my smile. I felt i couldnt be me at work but on the flip side i was studying to be a teacher. that would be my great escape so I thought. I mostly enjoyed teaching. In 2007 i was finally free to pursue teaching. I ended up at a job 100 times worst than the last. kids cussing me out on a daily basis , no support from anyone in administration. it was a nightmare. by the end of that year I felt i was going nuts during summer vacation. i was so tired and had an odd feeling . An un easy feeling. Even thoughts i would irrationally harm myself. This is not me! I blamed it on my bp meds which had been switched. I switched back. things seem to get better.

I didn't want to return to work, but as school got closer i started feeling better and like I could turn things around cause I still liked teaching and wanted to make a difference By the end of year 2 i was so fatigued. i ended up going to emergency in june 2009 for what turned out to be diagnosed as prostatitis. i was also very stressed and low energy still. i decided I could not return to work and made plans to quit and relocate.

Perhaps it was teh stress from making to major sudden life decisions at once , but i was in a parking lot of a mall and experienced a panic attack of some sort. i wanted to lay down in the parking lot. I stayed strong and did my shopping. But I was actually a bit freaked out by the people. This is not me! I had to hum a song under my breath to maintain my control. So on the way home I wasn't driving, but I had thoughts of throwing myself from the car. I guess I have had those thoughts before in the past when I was a teen or whatever. They didn't linger long so I dint think much of it. I think the last time i had a panic attack was probably childhood as well. Maybe I had 1 or 2 or 3. Can only remember one tome on stage I could feel my heart. I just thought it was stage fright.

Anyway unlike in summer 2008 in fall 2009 my anxiety stayed for weeks. And with it i felt depressed at times. I have dealt with days and moments of anxiety and depression sense. i used to have nightmares about teaching and being a student. then they stopped after a few months. Maybe at the start of 2010 i began feeling better or a little before.

i have been unemployed since september 200 and I have no money. my mom helps me and I am appealing for unemployment. Lately i have been applying to teach again feeling i am ready to return and believing I have found my love for teaching again. But so far no one is hiring me even though i do get interviews. i have started having dreams or nightmares about teaching again though not as severe. A common dream is I am back in college and I have missed an important assignment and may fail. Another frequent dream is I have to teach a somewhat unruly class, sometimes I am successful, sometimes not.

This week i have felt pretty depressed for the first time since fall 2009. I havent really spoke to my doctor about all this cause im too poor now to even see my doctor of late. I dont want to be on medication, but I am tired of bouts of depression , anxiety and lack of motivation. My life isnt where i expected it to be or wanted it to be so I do need some changes. It's like I want to do things but i waste so much time or I dont try or think they are important enough. Plus being broke there is very little I can do now. I'm just not motivated liek I used to be, and I dont have the energy. Im sure the prostatitis isnt helping. I seem to have a chronic case. It's like I'm fighting myself in a prolonged wrestling match. Kind of like superman 3. Good clark vs evil clark. I could never see harming myself but I have had some strange scary or crazy thoughts. All this just isn't me. talking about it here helps.

As I said before I am appealing for unemployment and job hunting, but I am wondering if I should apply for disability for depression /anixety. i don't want to fleece the system, but it would be nice to have some money and then maybe I could use that to start my own biz if no one will hire me. i am also a bit afraid to work for others feeling that if i enter the wrong job again i could experience anxiety.

I dont know what disability pays . Would disability prevent me from ever working again and if i worked would I lose my entire disability? i dont want the meds but I feel I might need the security that disability brings even as limited as it is.

So what do you all think? Should i apply? Am I a real basket case or just your everyday screwball?

Mr.Sandbar,

I moved your post off of the other thread and started you your own thread because you will get more recognition here.  I feel you have a lot of issues going on right now that need to be addressed. 

Are you able to control the children at school?  Maybe you should get a younger group of kids.  I know that it is hard these days as we aren't even able to correct our children anymore.  They get very unruly.  Have patience.  And if this is something you love, keep persueing it.  But if it gets too stressful, move on to something else.

Keep your chin up.  Take life one day at a time.  Very important.

Here is a poem called Desiderata.  Follow the link.  I think you will appreciated this.

http://www.freewebs.com/crys/

Read this, it says a lot.

Hugs, Karen