fighting within myself

hi! I've done this type of thing before. it seemed to help me so I'm trying again.

I have been depressed most of my life. my childhood could have been better, but i was taken care of. As a teen, i was unhappy to the point of contemplating suiside but i was too scared to try. Now, I'm in a marriage with a man I've been with since high school. we have a blended family of four kids. two are ours. I have been so unhappy with my marriage, the way my life has been. I felt I almost abandoned my career dreams to be with my man and build this family, though I'm taking steps to get one now. A close friend of mine, suggested I read the book the Secret, which was life changing...almost. I realize I have to think positive for there to be positive in my life but its very difficult for me to do. I'm fighting within myself back and forth between being inspired enough to change my life, and just going back to 'things wont change'. My husband is a negative type person (always complaining, big spender, etc.) though he has a heart of gold. Situations in our past have made me not want to be in this marriage anymore. i dont want to leave the kids though, especially my stepkids, though I cant afford to raise 4 kids. any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

@ jamiee. thanks for your response. to be honest, my depression never really left. it comes and goes like mood swings. i have my up and down days. I dont want to go to a doctor and get my husband involved. I'd rather try to heal on my own. I do journal on occassion. it's very theraputic.
@Shuvvkins thanks for your response. we do need a heart to heart. just something I've tried to avoid, with recent events over the last few months. I have thought about the children. That's why I haven't left. our two are 10 and 12. my stepsons are 16 and 17. my family had been through so much. I would hate to tear this family apart but I feel like I cant trust him like I could before. he...well, he could do a lot better than what he does. i have begun to look into how a divorce would go in terms of financial and the like.
I don know what the future holds for us, but i'm really just trying to dave my sanity right now. Find my own happiness and learn how to love and depend on myself.