LIVING WITH AN ALCOHOLIC AND DRUG ADDICT HUSBAND...

good day...
i'm a 34yr old wife with 3 wonderful sons. been married for 14yrs. my husband is an alcoholic and a drug addict.. he is getting worst now..im afraid for my kids , what pschological effect they will get from my husband.. when hes drunk and under drug influenced, he is very violent, he always broke things in our house, shout in the peak of his voice that our neighbors are all bothered..beats me infront of my kids.. i always packed our things, go to my moms house with my kids, and it will always ends up in reconcilliation, he always ask forgiveness after what damaged he has done promising not to do it again..but story always repeats for almost 14yrs..i always plan to get seperated with him, since i love him sooo much, we always end up to reconcilliation..im afraid to live alone without him,thats my fear.. coz i always believed in the sacredness of marriage. i dont want to have a broken family, i dont want to give it to my kids.. i always wanted my family to be intact inspite of my sacrifices..coz i know how hard it is having a broken family coz i came from a broken family..
i have sacrificed a lot in our marriage life. my husband almost got all the vices.. gambling, alcohol, drugs, and womanizing ( just for one night stand only)..we almost lost every penny we have because of his gambling.. he owed a lot of people because of his gambling..
ive tried almost every remedy i knew just to save him from all his vices, but he keep on coming back.. im losing my patience now..im starting to pity for myself, after 14yrs of marriage.. im planning to go away from him now, im really bothered.. if im doing the right thing.. what about my kids? im afraid to stand on my own..im very depressed now.. where ever i go, i always cry, i even dont notice my tears are flowing from my eyes ..i really need help...please anyone from this site.. im just new here.. i wish i could get help from here.. GODBLESS...

Hi Ann,
You really seem like such a strong & caring person. I really admire how much you care for your children & want the best for them. I am wondering what you know about how growing up in an abusive environment (where dad beats/belittles mom) can affect children. If you're interested, I can post some resources about that.

If you are looking to get out of that environment, know that there are really wonderful organizations out there that will help you provide a safe home & food for yourself and your children while you work on finding permanent work & a new home. These are special places that more closely resemble a bed-and-breakfast with social workers, than they resemble what we normally think of shelter conditions looking like. Some locations even will place women and children with a carefully screened volunteer in a real home.

Please make sure you are on a safe computer/phone before contacting them, but you can visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website, or call them at 800-799-SAFE. I have volunteered with that program locally & the women and children seemed genuinely happy to be in the program. Some of them even have special segregated programs for husbands who want to learn new behavior and on rare occasions the husband/dad does change his behavior after going through the program -- but it's a long ride & even if the separation isn't permanent it usually lasts for at least a year.

I can't say what it would have actually been like if my mom had stayed away from my dad b/c she didn't, but I do know that I wished she had divorced him. We were miserable & as my brother got older he picked up those behaviors and landed in a world of trouble at school plus minor problems with the law. He even started beating my mom toward the end of his high school years. He had a really hard time understanding that he couldn't just treat people however he wanted, in spite of the fact that my mom tried to teach him that all the time.

take care & be safe,
frances

Hey sweetie,

Get out now!!! while you are still okay. He could easiely go goo far and really hurt you badly. LIsten to what the others have said. Especially Frances, there are programs for people in your situation. Listen to her.

Wishing you the best.

Hugs, Karen

It's too bad that your husband's family is more afraid of how it will look if you take the kids and leave. I would think they would be much more concerned with all of your well-being. But, in a way, this doesn't surprise me as my mother is just like this.

Anne,
I know it's tough to ask for help, but you are not a failure for doing so. We all need help sometimes. Get to a safe phone (can you get out even to go to the store & use a phone there?) and call the hotline (800-799-SAFE).

They will find you a place to live & will give you all the instructions about how to get out of the house safely. They provide absolutely everything you need. You do not need any money. The program is supported by donors who love to help women and children start a new life. And often graduates of the program, once they are in a stable place, will give back a small donation to the organization.

If you need education or training to get a job, they will help you get that. They will provide free child care. They really will take care of you. It is safe & hidden away so that your husband will not be able to come after you. All the paid staff & volunteers are VERY carefully screened. They go through thorough background checks, psychological interviews, and weeks of intensive training before they can even answer a phone call.

Please think about at least giving them a call at 800-799-SAFE. You can call them just to talk, you don't even have to decide to go through with leaving your husband. They can explain how things work & then you can decide whether you want to do that or not. Usually if you are in a very small town, they will move you far enough away from there that you can't be found -- whether that's to another small town some distance away or whether it's to a larger suburb or city. They won't just put you somewhere in your own tiny town b/c that wouldn't be safe. You're absolutely right that your husband will probably be enraged that you are finally taking steps to ensure your safety & your children's safety and well-being. That's why it's so important to work with a program with trained professionals. They can advise you about how to handle the legal aspect of it. Sadly, it is all too common for abusers to have family in the law enforcement field. The people at the program are trained to know how to handle that so that you and your children can finally start to build a happy, healthy life for yourselves.

take care & be safe,
frances

Anne,

You have been given very good advice. Frances truly knows what she is talking about and I hope you will follow what she has told you. This man is not going to change. Even

if you got him in a treatment program who is to say he won't relapse. As I understand

this type of situation it can take as many as 5 or 6 rehabs before a person gets clean.

It sounds like your husband has a very severe problem with the combination of alcohol

and drugs. You can anonomously leave with your children and it can be arranged that he

not be able to find you. It is most important for you to care for your children and yourself than to worry about what his "influential" family thinks. At the rate he is going he is likely to get himself thrown in jail on his own.  I have a friend who volunteers at a

womens shelter program and they provide clean,comfortable living arrangements, get

you training for a job if need be and get you on your feet again. The one thing I do know

is that your situation is never going to get better if you don't leave this man. Who is more important to you, him or your children? Please heed the advice Frances gave you and take care of yourself and children. I wish you the best. The hardest part of doing this

is the resistance you put up to taking that first step. Once that is done the rest will fall into place. Your children are innocent and deserve a life free of such troubles. Please post again and tell us what you have decided. You will have a lot of friends here to support you.

Gentle hugs,

Aurora

i havent mentioned that my husband got a gun, evrytime hes drunk i keep it coz whenever i forgot to keep it, he frightens me his gun, or frightens me that he will kill himself, points the gun to himself, that my kids and i doest know what to do, but to shout and cry ..we are sooo helpless..last week i found him taking drugs with his friends,i decided to call a police so that he will be put in jail, but decided again not to call coz i dont want to put shame on his sister and brother in law..his parents are trying to help him also but they stoped helping him now coz they've seen that theres no improvement in him..they are planning to put him on a rehab but they are afraid coz they know my husband doesnt wants to...we could be living a better life if my husbands wants to, but since he chooses to live misserable life coz of his vices. her sister's been helping us financially before since shes the one who has a better living, but now she stopped helping us also because of my husband's vices..im really glad that ive found this site..coz i was able to express my sentiments.. theres no one that i can share my feelings.. i have still a mother, but since i dont want to be burden to her, since shes living alone , she cant do anything for me then.. i have 2 brothers also, but they have their own families also, and can provide only just enough for their families..
im glad that there are people like you who can spends their time advicing to people like me eventhough im a stranger to you..
GODBLESS YOU ALL..

Hi,

Sweet angel, I hate to say this, but you are in a broken home; your family is broken the way that it is right now.

You really do need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible with safe and careful planning.

Once you and those innocent children are out of this situation, you will have a whole family that is safe and loved and cherished. So much promise when you are away from this situation. Abuse is so tragic and dangerous, but when mixed with alcohol and drugs, I believe it makes it even worse. And that gun, honey, you are in such a dangerous spot. Get out, get out, get out.

I agree with Karen; can you live with your mother?

Hi Anne,
I am still looking into more resources, but there are a few organizations with US partners so I thought I would post them & see if you've had any contact with them already:

I'm assuming you haven't filed for a BPO or PPO. If you have, there are additional options. If you haven't, I suggest you hold off on that until you can talk to an expert who might even recommend against it.

Because of your husband's position in law enforcement, I am only listing private agencies here. I am not sure whether you practice any religion. Unfortunately, there are fewer resources for Muslim women but if that is your faith hopefully my friends will be able to still get back to me with some additional resources. It does make it a bit tougher to take your children with you if you are Muslim so please get counseling from someone in the legal field first (ideally someone who is not Muslim but who is very familiar with Islamic law).

Women’s Crisis Center Care and Protection Unit of East Avenue Medical Center

This is a non-profit private institution with a firm commitment to end violence against women.It offers a comprehensive range of crisis intervention services for survivors of gender-based violence.

They offer physical facilities like research center/library, temporary shelter for VAW victims, and training centers/ camp facilities. They conduct information campaigns and give training and seminars.

Tel. Nos. 9267744, 9225235

Note: I am not sure whether you can bring your children, though, so you will need to ask them. If not, the Philippine General Hospital does offer services to protect children.

Women’s Desk of Philippine General Hospital

The UP-PGH Women’s Desk is a crisis center for women survivors of violence located at PGH’s emergency room complex, beside the Child Protection Unit. They offer support services such as counseling and referrals to other departments and agencies. They give paralegal counseling for the survivors as well as for the doctors who will serve as expert witnesses. They also provide medical and psychosocial intervention.

Tel. No. 5242990

GABRIELA

Gabriela Women’s Party is a sectoral party dedicated to promoting the rights and welfare of marginalized and under-represented Filipino women . They fight for legislative measures that would strengthen actions with respect to sexual violence. They fight human rights violations against women in all its forms and conducting information and education campaigns to protect women. They also facilitate legal assistance, crisis intervention and just compensation to women who are victims of violence, etc.

Tel. No. 3743451, 3712302

World Vision Development Foundation, Inc.

World Vision is a Christian relief, development and advocacy organization that offers counseling for abused women and children.

Tel. Nos. 374-7618 to 28

Note: World Vision will help you regardless of your religion. They also often are able to provide additional food and assistance to children and their caretaker. If you speak with them, you might ask if they are able to provide any financial assistance or other aid to you and your children to help you start a new life.

Catholic Women’s League Philippines, Inc.

It is a charitable, religious, socio-economic, civic, non-partisan, non-profit organization that offers counseling for abused women and children.

Tel. Nos. 523-2956, 523-3144
Note: Catholic Women's League will likely only be able to offer counseling. Their counseling likely will include some references to Christian beliefs.


If you have any evidence of the violence, keep records of that in a safe place (with a friend, in a place where your husband will never look like a plastic bag hidden toward the bottom of a rice jar, or some other place where it cannot accidentally fall out or be discovered). If you have ever been treated for injuries, try to remember the dates and where you were treated.

more in my next post...

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 8/30/2010 5:41:34 PM (GMT-6)

Frances,

Thank you for posting this information. You truly are a wonderful soul.

Hugs, Karen

frances,

      thank you very much for your time and effort. i can see that you're really a great person, you really have a big heart..

that there are still someone like you this world who can extend help to strangers like me..

     anyway im not a muslim, im a christian by faith, a solid roman catholic..but we live here in mindanao..i would try to call some of the institutions that you have given, even just for counselling, and then later , maybe they could help me in some other way..

   i tried living with my mom before, when we escaped from my husband, but it just ended in his violent ways, since he knew where my moms house, he would fetch me and my kids and he was drunk, shouted outside my moms house, and threatens us that if we would not come home with him he would be using his gun.. to avoid embarassment to our neighbors, we did came home with him, after that incident, i tried not to go home to my mom anymore coz she is sick also,told me that she would die in fear if it would happen again..

        as ive told you, my husband has a sister who have married a very influential person here in our place, thats why im bearing all of this to the point of sufferring just to avoid shame to his family..coz it happened six years ago, he was prisoned for overnight only because of his firearm.. he was able to go out of jail the day after because of the influence of his brother in law..and he was warned then not to put shame again..

    thanks for welcoming me here again.. for letting me share my experinces.. coz what i feel like im going to explode, since theres no one i can talk to..GODLESS YOU ALL..

KNow that we are all here for you and support you. You are a good mother and that is most important.

Keep posting. Hugs, Karen...

Chotti,

Just wanted to let you know you are posting on some very old threads. You may not get responses...

Hugs, Karen...