Inside, depression???

Hi there some stuff about me is, I'm 17 and a senior in highschool. I go to the career center for half my school day in theater so I can do acting. Mainly because I want to be an actress when I'm older. I love music, video games, and being on the computer.

Ever since I can remember, or at the very least since middle school, I've been shy. I'm slightly less shy with friends but still I'm pretty much all in all shy. I think thats part of the reason I like acting and wanting to be an actress, so I can play someone completely opposite of myself. That's the big reason I tried out for Theater at the career center. I am looking to go to college.

I'm not sure if I'm depressed but I do know that I don't like myself. I have pretty much no self-confidence/self-esteem. I mean don't get me wrong I do have small moments, like when I do a monologue in class and it goes well, but I feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Like one minute I could be happy and laughing with a friend and they could say something really small and meaningless but it hits me so hard and the next minute I'm mad/upset and I just clam up and stop talking. I've sorta/kinda talked to a few friends a little about how I'm feeling but I don't think they fully understand what I'm going through. Except maybe my one friend, I actually found out recently she's depressed and goes to see a therapist. After I found that out I kind of told her more about how I feel so she's probably the one who relates most to me.

I don't talk to my family because they just don't really get it. My dad puts me down all the time. Like saying 'eww' when me or my brother walk into a room and he ALWAYS is calling me fat even though I'm like around 5'4 and somewhere around 100 or so pounds. And even knowing I'm not that big it hurts a lot and no matter how many times I express that I hate their way of 'kidding around' they, or well mostly he, doesn't seem to ever get it. My dads an alcoholic currently on probation wearing one of them monitors to make sure he doesn't drink. He's not on house arrest though, thank god. So I really didn't like him much in the first place but all the put downs put it over the top. He's emotionally abusive, and when he was drunk he was both emotional, and a tad bit of physically abusive. Like being forced to watch a movie that we didn't like or already seen and didn't like. That's why I now hate the saying 'give it a chance.'

Being at school I keep everything bottled up and I'm super quiet because of my shyness. I'm afraid of confrontation and I think I'm terrified of speaking my mind and what I think about stuff because I'm always worried about what others think. This and being shy make me hate myself because I hate that I'm so reserved and to myself. Even in my BBTC ,black box theater company, or BB for short, I'm quite. Except for when we're working on monologues or scenes or something. Whenever we take a small brake I hardly ever talk, mainly I do when someone talks to me first. That place is where I feel like I most belong but at the same time I feel like a complete outsider and I don't know what to do with that feeling. Just about everyone in there is nice but I feel like they don't want me to talk to them so like I end up sitting there waiting for people to talk to me first. Which doing that makes me feel super bad about myself like I'm not worth someones time or energy. I think this and being shy is the reason why I've never had a boyfriend. I've thought numerous times about  but I never have because I'm too afraid to. For the most part I'm glad about that but when I'm feeling bad I hate myself for being scared. It's like even on a good day my day is only 'okay' and I just don't know how much more I can take. I promised myself I wouldn't cry during school at BB but I ended up doing just that yesterday.

We are not allowed to discuss self harm here on the forum.  Thank you for understanding.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/28/2010 12:00:27 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks, actually I did kind of tell my mom that I need to talk to someone or get some kind of medication if needed and she said she would set up an appointment, hopefully soon, and see what the doctor recommends. I do agree with the mood disorder thing. I found out recently-ish that my mom is the same way sometimes about somebody saying something not real bad and she gets real mad or whatever.

I know, I don't think it's anyway to live always waiting for somebody else to speak to you which is why I kind of hate myself for being that way. The thing is, since I'm shy I really don't know how to be social. Like I don't know how to make small talk or anything I just feel so uncomfortable that I just stay quiet. I'm really not sure how to change that.

Well I know my mom kind of procrastinates so I'm gonna hint about it every couple days or so until she makes an appointment.

I'll definitely check out the book. I''ll have to check it out the library since we don't have a lot of money right now. Do you have any tips on just getting by day to day? I don't know how much longer I can go with pretending to be happy especially in BB since thats more of a place for participating rather than sitting down and doing work. Music helps but when I'm really upset all it does is make me cry. Even just finding something to temporarily help for like when I goto school would help until I'm able to actually get some help.
I hope theres a way to see a therapist but I don't think we have that kind of money.