It all starts with a bad choice.

So been here for quite some time. I remember my first post to be about how I felt about cheating on the guy I'm seeing.
For the background I started seeing my guy too soon after my break up on top its a long distance and I kept looking for my ex who had so pathetically dumped me. I loved him so much. Anyhow the initial 2 months of my seeing my guy were ok I was too much in depression to be otherwise. We would keep having spats and he wouldn't talk to me for days and I would feel so messed up in my head over it. All along I kept blaming him for not caring for me etc etc etc. I was so much about ME. I would chat with my friends who resembled my ex in anyways. All along I would try and get my guys attention but dunno where he was lost.
A old friend was in town and we went out drinking and well we kissed. I should have felt guilty right I didn't. The next day we made out (-sex) and I still didn't feel guilty over it. After that I never did anything dunno I never thought of it.
And than after 5 months of us dating me and my guy broke up over some fight. We do never broken up in our previous fights but that whole week he didn't talk to me and than eventually messaged me that it's over.
I never realised that I had fallen in love with him till that moment I realised he and me were over. The coming weeks changed a lot between us we would talk to each other for hours unlike the previous 5 months. In that time we realised we had ignored each others wants. We got back. And that's when it hit me. My cheating. I feel sick of myself I keep thinking I don't deserve my guy. He never cheated on me even though I was a pathetic mopping depressed selfish girlfriend. And I went and made out with another man. How sick could I be!?!?!?
And now telling him is impossible I love him so much I could never tell him. I know one thing I would never make a mistake like that again.
As lame as it might sound the first 3 months after my breakup and during my depression are like blank pages which I know the headers of but no information if chapters in them.
I want to let it go for me and my guy. For our relation.

I can't tell my guy and not telling him makes me feel guilty and that I dont deserve him ....

Hi Jamie

Everyone who I have shared this with asks me to let it go,to get over it. But I dunno how to ! It's like we are in a long distance and each time I talk to him my mind says,"you are a cheat" "you don't have any right to tell him that you love him","you are not worth him"

the thoughts drive me crazy. I know I can never ever tell him and save my relationship,he would never accept it. Well because it was my fault if I wasn't ready for a relation I shouldn't have pretended to be happy with it.

It's hurting me badly. If I tell him he would be hurt much worse. How does a person forgive oneself and get over a bad deed? Is there any forgivance for cheating on someone you love? I was cheated by my ex and I did the same shallow thing to my guy. Though it was no emotions involved it's killing me inside.

Would my university starting help me. I mean what justification have I got for being a cheat?