confused...

I've been married for 6 years and we've been together for almost 9. My wife is a good person and when things are good, she can be kind and loving. When life starts to hint at being tough, however, she falls into a pattern.

She will find the sickest person she can, and spend all her time with them, getting involved with them almost to the point of infidelity, but not quite there. I don't believe she's actually cheating on me, but is there such a thing as emotional cheating?

Anyway, the pattern goes that in the end, this person she finds is set up to be a "master manipulater" so that when she's ready to come back, she can place all the blame of everything that transpires on the manipulator and her naivety.

This is the fourth time this has happened in our marriage, and each time it happens I recognize more of this pattern.

She just graduated with a degree in Elementary Education and this time, the person she has found is a 17 year old girl who is bi-curious and I think may have a slight infatuation with my wife (who is 32, by the way). I don't believe my wife will do anything "adult" with her, but their behavior, in my mind, is questionable. For example, the will cuddle and snuggle in close on a couch; as a joke they have a code word "hooking up"; they tell other people they are married, and on and on.

She is in therapy right now, and meets with her therapist once a week. I don't think she talks about this issue with her, however, and I think she is in big-time denial that anything is out of the ordinary, or at least she is pretending to be in denial.

That is the background story. Here is my problem. I cannot stop the obsession about the whole thing and it is driving me crazy. I am not normally an obsessive person and am usually very patient and understanding (or try to be anyway).

I was caught off guard this time, and *feel* betrayed, hurt, unwanted and unloved (though I *know* none of those are true). The obsessive part of my mind will not relent and I don't know what to do about it. I love my wife and want to help her, but it's impossible with my mind revolving around the issue over and over.

What do I do?

Thank you for your reply. To clarify, I don't think they actually do "hook up", but it is just an off-color joke. I honestly don't believe my wife is in question about her own sexuality wither, but the behavior these two exhibit seems questionable. I could see it from girls around the same age, sitting close, playing with eachothers hair, doing "girly" stuff so to speak, but with a 17 year old and a 32 year old (who looks far younger than 32) it is just weird.

I agree, she is not safe at this point in her life, but she is an amazing person with kids and will make a wonderful teacher when she can get all this stuff worked out. I don't think she realizes that her current behavior could put her chances of that dream coming into fruition in jeopardy.

I also agree that I am being manipulated as well. I have been good to her (not perfect) and loved her. I don't deserve to be treated this way but I also understand that she is just sick right now.

I have been thinking about seeing a therapist, yes. I need to, but it's going to be a little bit of a process (we go through free clinics) and felt I needed relief as I have a physics exam in a couple hours, lol.

The only plan of action I have been able to consider is divorce. I don't want to. I do love her, and I know this only temporary and will pass. I just hate being here again. This time she is in therapy, and I'm doing my very best to stay out of it. In the past, I'd rant and rave until the truth of the situation was obvious to everyone around us and my wife admitted the sickness of what she was doing. My staying out of it might be a contributing factor to my obsession (i.e. I don't have a way to release, no one to talk to)?

It feels good to have a dialogue about this, though. I even feel a little relief. Thank you.

I just set up a counseling appointment at my school. It's not going to be for another two weeks though. Thanks for the push guys.