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trying to understand our sister

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Posted 11/1/2010 1:18 PM (GMT 0)
we have a sister who says she is having mental problems. here are some known facts about her. First off she lies all the time. She has turned family members against each other with her lies. My sister and I hadn't spoken to each other for almost 20 years because of the lies she has said about us. Once we started talking we realized all the lies she was saying about each other were greatly untrue. she not only talked about the two of us we have other sister and brothers that she also told lies about. Unfortunate for us we believed her lies about each other that we didn't want to get to know each other., But every one talked to her only. She was Queen bee. We always did everything she wanted to do. Like if we went to the movies we saw what she wanted to see or go out to eat we went where she wanted to go. When you tell her a story when she repeats it to some one else she embellishes it so much it isn't the same story anymore. She is a huge drama queen. she is very selfish when you try to talk to her on the phone you can't get a word in edge wise. It is always me, me, me, even if you call her first. Once my sister and I started talking and realized all the lies she had been saying we confronted she she became very angry and denied the lies at first then blamed me for telling me sister what was said and she tried to blame my other sister foe talking to me about her lies. Also when confronted with her lies she would say I don't recall saying that.or say that didn't happen. After we confronted her we stopped talking to her and all hell broke lose. She called our mother and said she had to go get on medication and seek therapy. I hate to sound like a cold hearted person but I think she is faking to get attention and for us to talk to her again. we think she is a pathological liar. we don't think she is bi-polar from what we have read up on it. She is now living with our mother because she says she tried to kill herself. But was only going 30 mph when wrecked she car and all the damage was to the passenger side. I don't know? If I was going to kill myself I would hit something head on and be going more then 30 mph. again I hate to sound uncaring but as I stated before i think she is lying to gain sympathy from our mother and other siblings because of all the lies she has told and got caught. She always has to be the victim. She says that everything going on in her life is NOT her fault.
Posted 11/1/2010 1:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Squeakywheel,

It sounds like your sister might be a pathological liar. That is hard to deal with other than to have no contact with her. People like that often go untreated. They are that way all of their lives. It sounds like she is self centered. If I were you I would have no contact with her whenever possible. There will be others on with their opinions soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 11/1/2010 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
While pathological liar is not a DSM dx, but I think from the very limited information that you have told us, that it is pretty clear she has some sort of mental problems. No offense, but if you reseach sucidiology there is an average of 3-5 "unsucessful attempts" (especially for women) before the successful one, and most people turn away or close their eyes at the last moment.  But generally women chose overdose over something violent.

I think no contact or limited contact might be healthier for you until she gets alot of treatment at the very least, and always have very strong boundaries.

I really do not think you have any right to judge, as you have had no contact for 20 years.  Plus given how you have spoken here it might help to have some therapy yourself about these issues.  Seriously you are punishing someone for something they did 20 years ago?  Do you think that is healthy?  Of course it depends on what happened and at what age it happened, etc.  There might be a very good reason for having that kind of boundary.  But last time I checked most murderers get out after a little over 20 years.  I am not saying that to hurt you, just to give you perspective on your own level of judgement. 

I think you need to have strong boundaries about allowing anyone to hurt you. 

But you do not have the right to stand in judgement of her.


Just wait and see... 

Posted 11/1/2010 3:55 PM (GMT 0)
First off, I feel that I must say that I have no professional training whatsoever in counseling. Also, this is my first post. I don't have all the answers and have plenty of problems on my own, but I've helped others at times so here is my advice, for what it's worth...

I'm not certain but it sounds like what you are saying is that you have a sister that has caused some division in the family to the extent that you have not spoken to a _different_ sister for 20 years. And the sister that you are "trying to understand" is one that you _have_ been talking to regularly (which is part of the problem because she has lied about other family members resulting in the loss of a relationships with them)? I hope I'm understanding you correctly, please clarify if not.

I've definitely known people similar to your sister. People who make themselves out to be the victim, and who refuse to take responsibility for their (or others') problems, etc. I've also seen those same people make unsuccessful attempts of "suicide." But I feel that it is safe to say that they don't actually intend to kill themselves, otherwise, like you already said, they just would've done it. I don't mean to argue against the other replies (coming from those obviously more experienced than me in this forum, and probably in general) but I don't think you should completely avoid contact with your sister. Her behavior obviously shows that she is crying out for attention. Of course, you should not encourage her self-destructive behavior (the lying and the suicide attempts and so on) but if it were me, I would try my best to be there for her whenever and wherever I could possibly manage to do so. And forgive her. Forgive her without limitations. I don't mean just ignore the problems and forget about them, but try your best to communicate to her the fact that you do forgive her, and you want to be there for her. She might know full well what the root of her problems are, and perhaps she'll open up and share that with you.

I suppose I could ramble on and on, but I think the first step would be to tell her how she has hurt you and your family, and tell her that you forgive her and that you love her, and you want to help her if there's any way you can, and move beyond these problems towards a better relationship between the two of you and the rest of your family.

P.S. I know from my own experience these things can be difficult because you probably have all sorts of other things going on in every day life, but don't forget the "big picture" and the things that are the most important in life, like your relationships with your family and friends. Your sister is probably too consumed with her own problems right now to even realize that this is just as hard (maybe harder) for you and others. Try your very best to hang in there with her, and be honest enough to admit to her that you're not perfect either, and ask for her forgiveness when she feels that she's been hurt as well.
Posted 11/1/2010 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
I think its very good advice to tell you sister in a calm way, that she has caused you immeasurable heartache and damage with her lies. And that you don't want to talk to her anymore. Or throw in, till you get a thorough psychiatric evaluation.

Its true that suicide is preceded by unsuccessful suicide attempts. It may have been a dry run. Does sound lame what happened, but you can't imagine how spooky and scary it is to "get" these ideas, like watching yourself do it, out of body experience. Hard to tell if she realizes she is in danger and needs a safe place to stay, or is playing your mother for a free place to stay. Very depressed people can forget to eat, maintain hygiene, and are wrapped up in their own world. They can't help it. Can however, put on that happy face for a show. Its confusing to those around them. There's 2 issues here, the lying and the depression.

I would not involve myself in it further. Its really bugging you. Hope you can tell her, as stated above, as calmly and firmly as you can. Probably need to explain this to your mom too, because as most moms do, your mom will be giving you an "update" and you don't need to even think about it at this point. Wouldn't even discuss it among your sisters either. A toxic topic so to speak.

SO glad that you got back together with your sister after 20 years. That wasn't easy, and you are fortunate to be able to have a fresh start. I always tell my kids, when someone says that I said, or someone said, xxx blah blah blah xx, come to me and ask, did you say this? Often taken out of context, embellished, altered, whatever, so many hurt feelings have resulted from the insane urge some people have to tell things in a hurtful way. If someone said such a thing to me, I would check it out for validity, and have the opportunity to explain or dismiss it.

Anyway, yes your sister has definite problems. The suicide needs to be checked out by a pro. You can't do it for her. Distance yourself.

Post Edited (Trying to Understand) : 11/1/2010 10:35:28 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 11/1/2010 5:15 PM (GMT 0)
I just wanted to add, if you do feel that you have to distance yourself, don't feel guilty about it. It may be temporary or permanent. Take it one day at a time. Take care of you for now. Whatever that requires. Maybe some counseling of your own would be in order.

Hugs, Karen

Ipock,

Welcome to the forum. It would be cool if you did an introductory thread of your own.

Hugs, Karen
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