my feelings

Have you discussed the possibility of family counseling with your husband? Step-family relationships can be really hard & when you add on depression, I'm sure that must be close to impossible for you to manage. Maybe some new tools for all three of you would help everyone feel better about the whole thing. Your stepdaughter maybe needs to learn more appropriate/acceptable ways to express her feelings & build an independent identity. Your husband somehow needs to be able to support both his daughter & you (it sounds like that may be something he would be interested in doing anyways based on how highly you speak of him). And maybe there are a few things you could learn that would help you deal with the stress of everyday life, your job, your stepdaughter, your illness, and everything else.
Beyond that, it may be helpful for you to get an individual counselor who could focus on helping you with your depression. One tiny piece of advice that I have found helpful in the past is "change your language". Language is very, very powerful. It can influence the way we think and feel. By telling yourself & others -- OUT LOUD -- positive things about your stepdaughter (even if you don't believe them) it somehow rewires the brain to start accepting them as the truth. Don't make them outright lies like -- Susie Q is a Straight A student. But they should be positive in the sense of terms of endearment like -- I love Susie Q. Susie Q is my favorite stepdaughter (if she's the only one). Susie Q is my little angel. etc.
I thought it was so bizarre myself when I first started it. Everything came out sarcastic. But over time I really came to believe the statements I was making about people. As long as she is not abusive or physically dangerous or engaging in illegal activities, there is no harm in trying to change your thoughts/feelings about her. If she is engaging in illegal or antisocial activities, you need to have a serious talk with your husband about getting her help immediately. If he refuses, take steps to protect yourself. Otherwise, give the exercise a try & open up a dialogue with your DH about family counseling.
There is hope. It truly sounds like you want to change & that is half the battle. Hang in there & keep posting. The members here at HW are so wonderful. They have been a huge source of support for me.

peace,
frances

Hi this is Doglover here. I would like to thank you for your replies. I am going to counselling at this time but it doesn't seem to be helping. My step-daughter was going but has stopped. My husband has been really great through all of this but it must be extremely hard for him aswell. My stepdaughter and I do get along for the most part it is just since she has moved in that things have changed. I find it really hard to say positive things about her because right now I feel that there is none, but I guess that is my illness taking over. I do want to change this feeling and make the situation but for me it is really exhausting. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and having them move out but then I loose my husband. I guess when it comes down to it he would choose her over me. Blood is thicker than water. I know this is going to sound wierd but I have a severe case of cystic acne and when I have a breakout like right now it makes things ten times worse. I am going to see my dermatologist and maybe go on accutane again so that at least one thing is taken care of. Anyway keep replying to my posts, I love to here from people.

Thanks for your support

Doglover

No she does not help around the house. My husband gives her $20 a week to keep her room clean. We used to give her an allowance for walking our dog everyday after school but we could not trust that she was doing that so we took that away from her. I don't believe anything she says because she is a compulsive lyer. We ask her to do her laundry and she puts on a load and then goes out. I think that she thought it would be alot different her because it was when she was here every second weekend. Her mother is not a very nice person. She has 4 children by 4 different fathers, my husband being the first. She gets pregnant gets rid of these men and then takes them to court for support. She is even collecting support from a guy that isn't even the father of the child. I think that my step-daughter growing up mostly with her mother is alot like her. She can't hold down a job because she can't be told anything and she is very lazy and my step-daughter is the same. My husband told me today that he thinks that she will finish highschool and then go back to live with her mother. The thing that bothers me the most is that we have turned our life upside down not only financially but emotionally and she doesn't appreciate anything we do. I know that I shouldn't expect thanks from a 16 year old but just to be pleasant and do the little things that we ask would be nice.



Doglover4

I don't think that her trusting me is the issue. I have never given her reason not to. She has told me things that she doesn't want her Dad to know but I felt he should know. She does not know that I told him but I felt as a wife I should tell him. She isn't doing really well in school, we have had some calls of her just not doing her work or handing in assignments. I once got a call from her school saying that she had forged a note to get out of school. She never does(has) any homework and she is taking all advanced courses. My husband is fine with me disciplining her but sometimes I don't even want to talk to her. I know it sounds juvenille but that is how I feel. I agree that she probably thought that it was going to be total freedom here and she has realized it's not and that is why she is not happy. She does have rules to follow but sometimes I feel that my husband is a little soft on her at times and I don't agree. She is going to be coming home soon and I am getting so anxious, I hate it.

Doglover

Yes, she was with us when she forged the note. I really don't know how she is passing advanced courses without doing homework or handing stuff in at all. I am going to see my social worker hopefully this week and maybe she will have some ideas because I cannot live like this. If she has some ideas on how I can cope with her not stressing me out that would be great. I think alot of it is that my husband and I do not agree on what she should be aloud to do and what I think is not acceptable. My husband is willing to go and see my counsellor so I think that will be great if she meets with us seperately,gets both sides, then we can make some progress. Anyway thanks for all the thoughts and ideas. It is really nice to talk to someone about this that makes me feel that it is not all me and my issue.

Doglover