Im not the person i once was

I'm literally stuck in a mental prison- each day about trying to make it through it.I wake up in the morning and thats only after a few hours sleep & think not another day. It just seems like a short glimpse away when i had my dream job & the woman i wanted to be with for the rest of my life & now i just feel so repulsive and feel like i've ruined my life.

At 19 I got through all the selection tests of the Fire Service out of more than 4000 apllicants & then had a terrible accident on the training course which i had to withdraw from this spiralled me into depression & they rushed me back too early when i was clearly unwell- i didnt know this yet but my dreams of fighting fires had all but deserted me. During my lowest point i developed a gambling habit and isolated myself from my friends. I then began to fight back got tablets to improve my mood, got down the gym and got my body back & met the most beautiful girl who used to go to my school & she never knew the true reason why i was not back at work. We had a great holiday that summer & she kept saying how she would like to get a placetogether once i return to work. I tried my hardest to be put me on another course but to no avail as they had seen me  when i was quite unwell. They left me hanging for nearly 2 years when they finally got a meeting together, i was so excited i thought finally thought im rebuilding my life but the union person came to my house & told me they were gonna sack me & it was best to resign rather than be sacked.

My ex always blamed me for resigning but she didnt know their was no other choice. I then tried looking for a job everywhere and found 1 at minimun wage. Last summer I worked so many hours to pay for our holiday i over stressed my self and my nans health was failing at the same time.

We had a huge argument on the holiday when i said i was going back to studying & at the end of october we saw each other for the last time.

She's broke u all contact with me & even deleted me of a social network sight like the last 2 years have meant nothing.

This month my nan died and i Havent been able to concentrate on studying- this is after getting a 100% on a biology exam to not being able to string two sentences together. I do an electricial course 1 day a week & even that im gonna fail at because im so low. Valentines day hit me hard & i literally begged her to give it another go for the next few days which isnt like me at all.

I just see another person in another dimension who didnt get injured on the course- got a house with the girl of

he loves and does the job he always wanted to do.

I have no one to turn to apart from my best mate who now owns his own restaurant & is settled with his girl.

I'm really proud of him but it just amplifys how rubbish my life has become when his is so good. I have no idea what i want to do & will never be a firefighter now. I wish their was a reset button but my life is ruined.

I know what it feels like to look back on the past and the good times, when things seemed so much simpler and happy...to feel like your life has fallen apart is a horrible thing :( I often feel this way (everyday really), and it creates such an empty and sad hole inside of me. I try my best to think positively but it's hard. The future could be a beautiful thing though, just as much as now and some of the past feels bad! I try to hold on to that hope...If you have other things you'd like to do for work, you should look into that and see what you can do to get there.
As far as you and your ex go, if you two are meant to be together, it will happen...it's so hard to let go of a person who you loved but it also means there's so many other people out there who are now free to love you and bring new things and joy to your life. I'm wishing you the best and I'll be here for support if you need it! <3

I'm just petrified that if my mood dosen't improve i'll slip back down there and that will be another 2 years of my life wasted with no career planned out. I keep thinking what can i do or what can i do to make my self happy again but i cant seem to find the answers. My family keep on telling me im really inteligent but it means nothing if your not happy. I'd trade it all to be a road sweeper if it meant living a happy life.

I know you say it takes time but I havent got that as everyone around me is either settled or married and have a career forged and i just feel like I cant sort my life out and is gonna be one of those people who lives alone. I'm nervous and my heart races each day and this is not me. I actually look forward to the nights to sleep and get away from this world for a glimpse. The hardest part of it is huge regret I see a restaurant window and i see the table we used to reserve. I go to the river & theres the spot we had our picnics together. Everytime I hear a siren or hear a Fire engine, i feel a weird pain around my chest.I've bitten the bullet and have mad an appointment with my Dr tomorow, I need help & i heard that CBT is quite effective and thats what i'll ask for.

Try going to some new places instead of the ones that give you memories. I hope that you get into cbt. It is good therapy.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen