My very worst moments are here. Laying in bed at night, the psychic pain is unbearable. The feelings of isolation and loneliness and failure and self-hatred overwhelm me.
I am completely alone. I live alone. I have almost no one. I have no friends any more. I have a mother who is unable to provide the kind of support or empathy that I need.
I was laid off in September of 2009 and I'm almost out of money. I will lose my home. I have no health insurance, so no doctor. No affordable way to get medication. When I was on medication before, I stretched it out until September of 2010. It's been slowly down hill ever since.
I have lived life as a series of wrong choices. When I look back at my childhood, I know I never had a chance. At 40, I don't see how I can fully recover. I have a job lined up, but it barely pays more than my unemployment. I will be making almost half of what I was earning, and the job itself will be terrible. I've done it before. In this economy, I have to fall back on jobs and experience I've already had -- most of them terrible.
On September 10, 2009, I was a technical writer for a private jet company. I didn't like that job very much, but it paid a good salary and at least I was sort of doing what I'm most good at--writing. Had I made better choices, I would be working in a publishing house or writing my own fiction or both. On April 4, 2011 I will be a customer service representative again listening to people complain about
their bill -- and then I'll have to try to sell them something. Self-hatred and despair may consume me until I'm nothing but ash.
I'm a bright person who never studied in high school, was able to make it into college with a high entrance exam score, and then squandered all of those opportunities. My Mother, the only real parent in my life, never became actively involved when I was a teenager, when I needed it most, when I needed to understand how truly important education really is. A BA in English gets you squat in an economy like this.
These are just random thoughts about
my depression and my failures. I've never felt pain this bad.
How do you crawl out of the psychic pain? That's what I need most. To crawl out of the pain. I don't have the finances or insurance for drugs any more. Even when I have the job, I won't. In fact, when I sign up for insurance with the new job, if I do, I'll actually be netting less than what I'm "earning" on unemployment.
It's pathetic, and tragic, and very very sad. Thanks for reading.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/10/2011 1:46:16 PM (GMT-7)