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Posted 3/24/2011 1:58 AM (GMT 0)
I have Ulcerative Colitis, which I now believe to be an "effect" from my anxiety/depression swings over the course of these last 30 years, and I belong to the UC discussion and have posted here before. I am not a "diagnosed" depressive, or bi-polar, but i know alot about myself. I need to get on with getting help again, I have not insurance though. Can you believe it? I am a nurse and work per diem and do not have health care coverage in this great Country of ours?...sad...anyway, I just felt like writing some things down. Something about writing is therapeutic, and yet some things I write down scare the $%LL out of me!! Feel free to respond, good or bad....

The familiar
That comforts me,
Tortures me,
Pursues until I drop,
Crippled with a blue blackness,
Elated with the feelings that I loath,
And cannot seem to live without,
Crippled and frozen,
Heart full of lesions,
No reason to feel this,
Life is good,
I feel like a parrot,
Not even sure I believe it
Who loves life and longs for death?
I can’t look at me, only my reflection
Without context,
I crave sobriety and love its sweet intoxication,
Yet I hang with my faithful friend, or enemy, it’s hard to tell…
I am empty and know that I am full,
I can’t release this paradoxical state,
I am a prisoner and yet hold the key,
God be merciful to me,
And HE has been
-dB
Posted 3/24/2011 3:24 AM (GMT 0)

I SENSE A LOT OF PAIN DB. CAN YOUR DR PUT IN TOUCH WITH A COMPASSIONATE THERAPIST? MAYBE IT IS TIME TO SEE YOUR DR.......MAYBE HE/SHE CAN AIDE YOU WITH SOME MEDICATION.

WITH COMPASSION, JAMIE.

Posted 3/24/2011 10:59 AM (GMT 0)
I am glad that you have posted here. As Jamie mentioned, can you talk to your doctor? It would be worth the money that you need to put into it, maybe you can get some sample meds. Often they give them.

Let us know how things go. Keep posting. I hope that it helped.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/24/2011 12:34 PM (GMT 0)
I see something in addition to the pain and need need for psychiatric help.

I see a gifted poet in your post, one who has lived deeply and knows
the real meaning of life, knows its depth, and has obviously felt great
understanding of oneself.

To be just yourself in a world that wants to make you like everybody
else is the hardest war any person has to fight. Never stop struggling
to be yourself. Without solitude there is no maturity. You must be alone before you can develop the depth necessary to make real caring possible. Solitude does that. You've earned your right to
care deeply about life. It shows in your art.

Clear up the conflicting ideas that haunt you by getting therapy as
Jamiee and Getting By suggest. It won't damage your knowledge of your life, and it will only deepen your respect for the blessings God
has given you.

Can you afford to get medical insurance? If so, do, because you may
need it later.

Take care. I understand your feelings very clearly.

It's Genetic
Posted 3/24/2011 1:49 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the replies! I think I will call today and see if I can get back in with the therapist I seen for a few months. She was very kind and I think it was helpful somewhat. However, we didn't get to the point where I seen real change in me. I understand the component where "I" change the things that I can change, accept that which is not bad but just "me." I have reformed myself a few times over the years and even at my best I believe there is a physiological aspect of which I am powerless to change. This must be where the meds come in...I am a musician and have some fear of the meds zapping my artistic side. I may have to switch Docs because even though I like mine because he is a straight shooter and not a drug peddler, he also makes it hard for me to go in that direction. A year ago or so I was talking to him about the ADD type symptoms that I have, and he just explained it away that it is very stressful when in Med/Nursing school. I am finishing up my RN in December. I don't know, I think I need something....thanks everyone! I will try to keep active on this post, thanks for welcoming me.
Posted 3/24/2011 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
DB,

I am happy to hear that you are going to go into counseling again. It really does help. I feel that with a passion such as music, nothing can get in the way. It is a part of you. And if you do feel the meds are, then you can always stop them. With the doctor's help of course. I love to paint, but find that I paint more when I am depressed. I get into it more and go in spurts. But with music, I think you live it. I hope that everything works out well for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/26/2011 7:14 PM (GMT 0)
Well, I am going to be seeing a new counselor next week. I am happy that I can get a few free visits, however it is with someone new so i will have to spend time laying all the ground work again:-( Need to get somewhere soon, got totally smashed last night, very upsetting. Maybe today will be my first "dry" day going forward. I have taken it beyond the point of acceptable once again. Yes I know, a terrible habit to have when I already have some undiagnosed psych issues like major depression and who knows what else. Think I will go for a long walk now. May you all have a day of good health. -dB
Posted 3/26/2011 9:00 PM (GMT 0)
I hope that you have a good day too. Remember alcoholism is a disease just like depression. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know that it makes you depressed, so you are having to deal with that. Just keep trying. You have a lot going for you and you are smart. I trust that your new counselor will be a good one and that you can continue healing.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/27/2011 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
sending healings your way my friend. stay strong. jamie
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