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Posted 4/6/2011 3:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hey guys,

I posted this on the bipolar board but hopefully it's ok I post it here as well?

Hey guys,

I don't like posting and not trying to post replies to everyone else; but I am so depressed right now I don' t have the capability to reach out to all of you at the same time, and I'm sorry for that. Please know you are all in my thoughts and I care deeply about your coping and well being.

Last night was terrible. BF and I had our fourth counselling session and honestly I don't even know how I am at work today. I am devastated and so deeply depressed. Last night I was hanging by a thread; all those terrible thoughts going through my head just wanting the pain and suffering to end (you guys know what I'm talking about). I am still feeling that way today. I know I need to focus on hour by hour right now, but I can't stop thinking about that session last night.

I watched a Dr. Phil episode the other day about rage and how people can have a specific gene (called The Warrior Gene) that makes them more susceptible to feeling rage. I don't necessarily believe that is the case for my bf as I think all the constant fighting his parents did while he was growing up including while he was a youth and getting into his twenties, is such a root cause of what is happening with us. The reason I bring up the show is because Dr. Phil really gets to me because I love how he believes in "getting real". I feel like we are so much tip toeing around bf's anger issues that we aren't getting anywhere really.

He has acknowledged but feels he has already changed when that is just not the case. He has made improvements but I still feel he doesn't get it. On the show I am speaking of a couple is on where the guy has rages and the girlfriend is asking Dr. Phil should she take the relationship to the next level (Marriage) and he says "absolutely not" unless the guy gets help and changes. I'm just so confused. After last night (by the way we had a huge fight right before counselling and actually went into the session with it totally unresolved. We were fighting all the way out the door). But after last night I had Dr. Phil's voice in my head saying "let's get real here".....why I am going through all of this mess when I am not the one with the rage issues? Why? I just feel that we go to these sessions together and he does all the talking and all the therapy is based on him (as it SHOULD be), so what I am doing there? Why do I feel like the blame is shifting to me a lot of the time? Prime example: My illness is the HOT topic and "cause" of his anger.

So, here is a question that I am asking all of you...Here is what I believe: This illness is our responsibility, period. We need to own it, accept it and manage it. But I do not believe this means that our significant others should not show us love and compassion when we are not well. We left last night's session with therapist saying "Ok, so you both look after yourselves (Him, himself and me, myself) and that's the way it should be. Separate. Um...to a point yes, but I just can't believe he continues to give me cold responses when I express I am unwell. And I believe couples should be there for each other.

What am I doing? Why am I staying? I don't know if this is ever going to be better because my illness is the scape goat and that really doesn't jive with me.

I don't at all want to be around him tonight. I am so depressed I just want to sleep.

Through all of this I just feel so tired guys of these depressive episodes with no relief and I know it's not the meds; it's the stress. I wish bf would get that this is toxic to me.

I feel so totally hopeless right now...........I would give anything to hear a voice who gets this
Posted 4/6/2011 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs,

Do you go to one on one counseling at all? Or just the couples counseling? I think one on one would help you a lot. You need somebody on your side. It sounds like the counselor that you have now is working more with your bf. Am I wrong? But she does have to teach you both to deal with eachothers illnesses, plus your own. I think a seperate counselor would be there for you and help you deal with him. But I think the couples counseling is good too.

Does he get angry? Or was that just an example with Dr. Phil? I hope that he doesn't get angry with you for being sick. Depression is an illness and we can't help it. Is he depressed too? Either way, what you are doing is a good thing. You are being proactive with the issues at hand and that is good. It makes for less turmoil down the road. I think you are doing good by posting for yourself. You deserve our support just as much as you give. And you give a lot when you can. Do keep posting, I want to write more, but my brain is distracted. I am not in the now as I should be.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/6/2011 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen, means a lot as always.

Bf has a very big anger problem. He flies off the handle all the time. In fights he has not only yelled and screamed at me, but he has said the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me in my life.

There is definitely anger towards me and my symptoms and that is hard to convey to him. He denies it over and over yet his actions show different. I know he gets angry when I am depressed.

I just hung up the phone with the counselling service through work and they are going to look into setting something up with a therapist I saw in the summer. I hope it works. I do need that support more than I realize.

I hate what happened last night because until last night I was feeling ok about our progress since he was attending the sessions and acknowledging the problem. But when I expressed how depressed I was last night before our session, he actually made the comment "you are responsible for that". Cannot express how much that hurt.

I was furious, which is not good.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time. I hope you are okay.

Hugs,
Mogs
Posted 4/6/2011 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
Mogs,

I am sorry he said that to you. It is evident that he sees things his way and thoughts are somewhat distorted. Or he just isn't sympathizing with the way that you are feeling. I know how it feels to have the one that you love say hurtful things to you. You can't believe that the words are coming out of their mouths. My husband and I have only had two fights, but he will say some really hurtful things, and it freaks me out as I have no idea that he even felt that way. But two fights in ten years isn't bad. And then I said some things that I couldn't stop myself from saying, I can't even remember what it was. Convenient to forget that, but not what he said. I guess none of us are perfect.

But if you are dealing with constant rage, I really would think twice about going any further in the relationship until you see what can be resolved with therapy. You don't want constant hurt for the rest of your life. But you are both moving in the right direction with the therapy so if there is any way that you can save this relationship, you are going in the right direction. It is always nice to know that there is hope.

What I wanted to say before, is that if I can say hurtful things in anger and not mean them, there is a chance that he doesn't mean what he says. Did you ask him how he thought that you were causing your own depression? I am curious to see what he thinks. I am starting to ramble, that is a good sign that I should quit typing. I have a tendancy to say what I am thinking and it doesn't always go with the rest of the paragraph. I try to tie it together, but that doesn't always work. A little add or fibrofog. I blame a lot on fibrofog. lol...

I hope that you are feeling better and that you had a good day.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/7/2011 1:24 AM (GMT 0)
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

FROM JAMIE. KEEP STRONG MOGS.
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