Why am I still even here?

I have been depressed for around 7 years. Before that I was down but not as I am now. I shall display a timeline of events and then explain how I actually feel now.

Age Year
<13 <2004 - Use to get beaten up and insulted by my biological mother
13 2004 - Dad passes away suddenly
14 2005 - Aunt passes away due to cancer
17 2008 - Aunt passes away due to cancer and Grandad dies of heart attack
19 2010 - Nan passes away due to cancer

So there is the timeline of family passing away.

During 2010 was when I was in the darkest mood and everything else. (The stuff I want to say I am not allowed to say on the Forum but you can imagine.) I use to get bullied a lot in school as well due to having different interests which also happened in college. I have been in bad relationships in the past and so forth. I started fitting in 2010 which made me more depressed and I was on a anti-depressant called Sertaline. Sertaline didnt work I they up my dose to almost max dosage but after my fit I was taking off of them apparently I had anxiety.


So anyhow I was failing my first year of uni. I did not care to be honest, I was course changing. I rarely turned up to lectures but that didnt bother me. So anyhow my course change was approved and I was starting uni again in 2010. There was of course panic about friends etc. I was called a burden by someone who I thought I was close to.

So I made new friends; ones who I think I will speak to forever. But anyhow in 2011 I was diagnosed with epilepsy, taking pills for life was the idea I wanted. But had to be done I guess. It meant I could not go to gigs or game as much as I did... I guess its worth to mention I had an addiction (still have) to alcohol. I am skint and so forth. Living the life style I had before hand does that to you.

Anyhow.... I managed to get a boyfriend last month (most amazing one I ever had) who has stuck with me despite me losing my temper, watching me fit or as he described it "pushing him away". Last night I thought it was going to be the end of my relationship I was in a dark mood and snapped at him twice that day. I told him slightly on how I felt.

Waking up empty inside, cannot thing what to live for, that my life will end in , that I havent got long left, feeling numb and hollow and can have no emotions due to this. How even joking around cuts into me and how I wish to turn to my former lifestyle... when he said he would dump me if I returned to the former lifestyle (imagine rock n roll lifestyle without the sex).

n7steph.webs.com/apps/blog/show/6411100-drugs-and-alcohol-lyrics- - Some lyrics I wrote about it.

But yeah at the moment I dont feel well, my brain is thinking about the thoughts are rushing in but my heart says no. I use to be religious but now I am unsure and the only way to forget is through alcohol. I guess I am asking for a cry for help, long term support but not with a councillor I have to see face to face. Samartians had given up on me and so did Nightline. My boyfriend does not understand it feels, he tells me to use my advice to those who I give it to but I do not. My circumstances are different. I am 20 now, been depressed since 13 and to be honest I do not think I will get out of this ever and maybe in a few years.

n7steph.webs.com/apps/blog/show/6715341-game - Wrote these yesterday.

And the rest of the blog can be seen here:

n7steph.webs.com/apps/blog/?page=2

(as a disclaimer I own all of the posts which have been copyrighted).

I just do not know who I am anymore.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/15/2011 7:36:34 AM (GMT-6)

thank you Jamie, i know its going to be a long battle for me but the thoughts haunt me.

Just feel numb all the time now; its hard to think straight or do anything. I cannot even play videogames =/ I am not allowed to go on Anti-depressants and they didnt work for me anyhow. How did you cope with depression?

Faunts,

I think your writing could be your lifesaver. You are very talented. It can be a way for you to express yourself and get your feelings out. I hope that you continue this.

I had to edit a little out of your post as it breaks forum rules, but hopefully I still left the feeling of it, whch feels like dispair., I hope that you feel better soon. Forgive my typing, I just got a new computer and am not use to this keyboard yet.

I want you to know that you are cared about here. I wish you would see a counselor. Write everything down if you don't want to talk face to face. It would help you. I am a little worried about you, though you seem resilient. I hope that you can pull through this dark mood. Take care of yourself.

Hugs, Karen

When you get into the dark mood, try writing about it. See if you can't use it to your advantage. Do you have a diagnosis of mania? If you don't, maybe you should see a doctor and get some meds for that. Though maybe you don't want to take meds, but they really help to control the mania.

I sure do hope that you feel better soon. Have you tried giving some litereture to your boyfriend so that he can read about what you are going through? That might help. I know it is hard when we can't control our minds and how we feel. But you are trying and you will get there. We can help you as much as we can.

Take care, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Steph,

I do the same, then it all comes out in one big jumble. I think that it is good to learn to be assertive about our emotions, but it is hard for a lot of us. Just speaking up.

I am glad that you are going to see your doctor. And I don't blame you for not wanting to take meds, but please do consider it if it gets bad. You take meds for epilepsy, so depression is a disease too. But going med free is something I wish I could do too. I take so many. Ten different things. But it has helped, and I would be a mess without them.

Keep posting to us. Know that we all do really care. I hope that your day is going well.

Hugs, Karen

how ya doin' faunts? keep strong. here for ya, jamie

no worries. jamie

I have crashed really badly... mind is clouded... numb... hollow... i mean nothing to this world, the battle has been won and I am the loser.... cannot feel anything... so empty... cant stop crying, the thoughts are in my head telling me what must be done.

1. your not a loser ok.
2. you are going through a rough passage, but it will pass.
3. we are here for you.
4. keep strong. keep busy, it helps.

with compassion, jamie.

thanks guys, still depressed... just trying to think about reasons not to go. Just hard, and re-reading the posts i wrote down in the early hours of the morning has scared me a bit. Cheers for the continued support.

Steph xx

Ok so I did a few online bi-polar tests today just so i know what to expect when I see the doctors... (quite hyper at the moment dont ask why I dunno) and it said i should see someone about help or something.... anyhow it said something about Bi-Polar I and then later on it could be Bi-Polar II... what is the difference? I read I they give a brain scan and well to be honest I already had 2 for Epilepsy and nothing turned up so very very confused >.>

Any help from you lovely people would be wonderful!

Thank you <3 xx

Hi Jamie thanks :)

You cleared that up for me :)

Do you take anti-depressants for Manic Depression? Just wondering cause if I turn up to have it I want to be careful mixing stuff with my anti-epilepsy :)

Steph xx