soo scared

I want to stop feeling anxiety mind or feeling...I'm so scared but I want to stay strong...how?
I feel physical sick & cold when my mother tells me about going oversea & I don't want to go oversea...
I don't want to see my cousins there & one of them might want to marry me but I don't like him...

I remember that night my mum asks me which guy do I like? but I was only young like 13 years old & dumb to told mum which one is right for me & sudden we did talked each other on internet till 2 years ago i stopped talk to him because I grew up & the more I know who I am...I don't like to be in relationship ever.

How am I suppose to tell my mum? I'm feeling upset & sick...:( im crying because I wish I don't met him from in the first place...

I need to stop all of this racing into my mind..I don't what to do...my mum wants to go oversea but I don't
I can't be rude to reject my mum's family...its soo hard for me...I can't stand...its making me feel too stresses.

Its upsetting me more & more & hurts. I can't go oversea...its nearly 7 years now that I haven't got out to oversea....I rather stay here & waiting my mum to go there & then come back...because there's no way I can go ...I'm locked in here & nobody can make an excuse it.

I just can't!! I feel in my heart/mind tellings me to not going oversea. Even in my blood doesn't like to go oversea anywhere yet.. Just not this year or next year....

or am I too crazy??? :( sounds its just missing...

Lately I couldn't eat or happy or relieved to sleep...I'm very sensitive when people make a plan to go oversea or their birthday or meet up anywhere makes me feel scared...:( :(

Sometimes I get angry when people gets angry about why I miss out & couldn't be there for them...its also make me feel guilty

What im writing this & i read over again...sounds like I'm feeling grieve or not ready?? I find hard when people are so strong & can stand to go oversea..i still don't understand why...

I need to shake off & let it go...:(

Anything u knows??

hey karen,

No I don't have to go & I spoke to my dad that I didn't want to go. He said its ok & I can stay here whatever I want. I was crying last night because its relieved but I didn't tell them exactly why I didn't want to go... I live in Australia & I'm 19 years old (im deaf)...

I just don't want to go & I'm fear of going anywhere too. I don't do what people tells me what to do.