Liver is garbage, scared to death, sad and not quite 30.

I've "dealt" with depression and/or anxiety issues since I was a late teen or so. I'm turning thirty in a week. My issues come and go. Sometimes for months or a year at a time, I'm fine and good enough to get by without major problems. At other times, I'm hot garbage. Right now is one of those times I can hardly function...I am depressed and scared/nervous/anxious about every little detail in life. It's disgusting feeling.

I'm 6'5", 240 lbs, and looking at me, you'd think I'm healthy enough. I am not, however. My liver has unknown issues that the Mayo Clinic here in Minnesota calls "Cryptogenic Cirrhosis" which simply means they don't know why, but my liver is scarred and unhealthy. It's not due to alcohol, or cancer, etc. Could be due to past blood transfusions I had as a child...before blood was tested properly the way it is in 2011. Anyway, I'm on the transplant list through the Mayo Clinic. Two years ago, when I was listed, my MELD score (the number they give you to appropriate how high or low a person is on the waiting list) was the lowest it could be to where I would be on the list. Meaning, I'm at the bottom because I'm not on my deathbed like so many other people in the world are. I have definite side effects of this situation and they cause me to need a flexible work schedule in order to call in sick.

The past few months, I've worked less and less and have been barely making my basic payments (rent, gas, phone). I bartend at a restaurant, so I just work a few shifts a week and then live minimally (not much food, entertainment, etc) after I collect my tips. Lately, with depression kicking in again, I find it impossible to be patient with customers at the bar. If someone's an ******, it affects me so much because in these times, I take everything so literally and so seriously. I have an incredibly difficult time putting on my game face and being happy in front of a full bar of people getting drunk. Putting up with the ridiculous things I am paid to put up with has helped bring me to a boiling point. It's hard to pretend I'm happy when I don't feel right...mentally and physically.

My problem is that I'm really struggling with anxiety and depression for these past several months. It kept getting worse and, mixed with my physical side effects of my liver disease, is absolutely paralyzing. My girlfriend and I live 4 hours away from each other but we see each other almost every weekend. We're having a helluva time right now trying to ride out this summer at which point we're both moving to the same town here in Minnesota so she can go to grad school (she's an English teacher). Our problem is that I'm struggling hardcore with trying to maintain a positive outlook on life and she, the most positive thinking person alive, is actually getting affected by my bad moods. She doesn't understand what depression and anxiety feels like and really has been trying to understand and cope, but let's just say it's a difficult struggle for both of us.

I want to be the confident, funny, charismatic person she knows is in here somewhere, but I am an absolute wreck instead. I got to the point where I didn't even show up for my shift two days ago at my job of 5 years. They all know my situation, but I've also walked out in the past. I get sick to my stomach thinking about working and now that I essentially quit, I'm still just as sick because now I have no idea how to pay rent or eat.

I've been without medical insurance for the past couple of years due to not being able to afford it on my own (high premiums for my pre-existing liver crap) or working "too much" to be eligible for medical assistance, which is basically welfare. A person with liver disease can't really afford to NOT have health insurance. Hopefully, at least I'll be able to get covered via M.A. now.

I'm physically sick and can't "cure" it. I'm mentally drained and don't know what to do. I'm broke with no savings left. I feel unable to work any job, and when I do, I need complete flexibility in order to call in sick half the time because of my liver side effects. I'm so lost feeling and do not want to lose my girlfriend. She and I have been through way too much and I'm so incredibly in love with her.

I've been on all sorts of different meds for anxiety over the past 10 years (when I've had insurance) and have seen doctors and specialists about it. Nothing has ever seemed to really work and made a noticeable enough difference in my moods. They're either there and paralyzing, not there at all, or there but manageable. Drugs don't seem to help, but I have to try it all again to prove to my girlfriend that I do care about us and myself to do anything to "get better". Whatever that means.

Thanks for reading.
B

Hi B,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. You got some good advice from It's Genetic. She is a very smart lady. She is an asset to this forum. And I am happy that she posted to you.

Did you know that lemon water is good for your liver. So if you are drinking caffinated beverages, I suggest you switch to lemon water. I don't know what stage of liver disease you have, but I am sure that it cant' hurt.

Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. I pray that you get a transplant soon.

Have you thought about signing up for disability? You might be able to get some help there. Maybe some insurance until you can get back on your feet again.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen