just a rant

bout to get another pay cut and possably layed off. not that big of a deal but i have a cronic health condition and have no idea who would want someone like me to work for them. I'm the one who brings home the money in our house..................i'm just worried. those old thoughts of the fact that i'm worth alot more dead then alive keeps running threw my head.....witch is why i went to see the doctor( who put me on the wellbutrinxl) in the first place. can't seem to shake these thoughts. right now i can't seem to find any solutions to this problem i'm having. and being all down like this isn't helping a bit...dam* it why can't i just snap out of this?!? 

I am so sorry that you are having problems again. Your health or complications are not your fault. If that be the case, we would all be healthy. It's not we have a choice on illnesses we have or diseases. Choice issues and self-inflicted one's are alcohol abuse, narcotic pain meds, (me for over 8 yrs clean for over 900+ days) over eating, over shopping, etc. They are all addictions that can be controled by using common sense but for some of us, it was too late or so we think. I will never go through that again. The connection I am trying to make is that you can't control your health. You can make it better but you can't stop it.

Second, I don't want to hear that "better off dead than alive) or worth more dead than alive. That's the easy way out and I think you know that. My husband abuses alcohol an will not admit he is a alcoholic even though he knows he is. He is in denial. I tell him he is killing himself and if he doesn't get help he would be dead in a year or so. His mother is laying in a hosp. right now because of alcohol and his father died of the same thing. I asked him if he wanted to die like them. When I get really mad, and he is really tanked, I tell him to go take his nice new SUV and drive it off a mountain here in VT so I can at least get $500,000 +. He just don't get it. Please do not get discouraged. For every door that closes, another will open. If you ask not you will have not. I sit day after day in my beautiful refurbished ski resort home, have all the things imaginable, have money and I can't leave the house because I can't drive because I have epilepsy, diplopia, (double vision) and Lupus. Day after day. I can walk some but not to much. I hate taking 12 pills a day and I hate that I can't do the things I did 10 years ago. This haunts me every day, but, God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. Every time I go to a doctor, they find something else. I say that "God, if you want me to carry this, I will". Self inflicted things are not mine and I do not claim them. Please think on the positive side. Remember the glass is half full not half empty!

Hugs

H2LF  

well, it's a new day and a better one the most so far. I do appreciate what you guys said.

 these thoughts of ending it have been with me for a very long time. i can remember them since about 4th grade. which is about the time my health started taking a nose dive. since then my mind continuesly plays out scenarios on ways to do just that. when i feel REALLY sick, these scenarios run threw my head alot more often. but on a good day it only happens a few times a day. i don't set around and plot my own demise. the thoughts just keep running threw like having a bad song stuck in my head. one i WANT to get rid of.

Having2LeftFeet (please don't take this the wrong way, i don't mean it baddly)(just my thoughts)

as far as "the easy way out", i don't want to sound like an ingrat, but i don't see life as a race and the one who sticks around the longest wins. there's nothing easy about it.I feel guilty as hell just for thinking about it. If i didn't have any ties to this world, i would of done it long ago. the thought "there are people out there who are in much worse shape then i am" so what, what am i inspiring them ? no....it's exactly that kind of thinking which has lead to alot of my suffering. not going to see the doctor because i wasn't passed out due to the pain. i was embarrased to see the doctor unless i was worse off then most because "there were people out there who were worse off then i was". I'm not sure if i just try to impress the doctors by holding off as long as possable or what. My wife usually has to drag me to the ER. I hate those places.

2leftfeet, i am sorry to hear that you are in such bad shape. as far as the pills.....i have you beat...not a good contest to be the winner in...and the deal with your hubby...i'n not sure which one is worse, your condition or living with someone hooked on liquar..(((((2leftfeet)))))i'm sorry.

i hope i didn't sound like i was upset or anything. it's just i was raiseed not to complain.

CheerDad,

I know all the stuff you and the rest of the guys from the Crohn's forums deal with and am too embarrased to say anything there. makes me fill like a wimp. I'm not sure which one i hate worse the Crohn's or the Crohn's related depression. btw, what is the "SSRI"

RainDance,

not sure what to say,.........thanks. lol, i'm gonna print it off and see what i can find out.I print it beacuse my memory is shot. It kills me to think of having to be "DAD" from my bed. as far as the rest, it's easy to loose sight of sometimes.   

I don't try to sound like an idiot. I guess it just comes  naturally.  ok, that's funny, my print just changed colors all on it's own.    well, i guess that's fitting. goes nicely with my last statement.   

Hi John...

Your font colors just changed on you?  Ha ha.. A little Twilight Zone music please.. Do-do, do-do.... haha..

Not sure of your age but, think I have a decade or two on you and, that gives me a bit more hind-sight.  (If I can see around my rump.. !  haha)

You made me laugh when you said you had to print things because of your memory.  I think my area around my computer is wallpapered with yellow sticky notes.. !

Each of us have the IBD but, for all of us, there may be a different twist on some symptoms, mental state, finances, family etc. 

Don't forcast yourself in the roll of being dad from the bed.  That of course, was just an example to relate the thought that, no matter how sick we are, we are still of value.

Generally speaking, chronic, incurable disease automatically brings depression.  It means a change or loss in our lives that creates the grieving process, as if losing someone we love.  The difference is, this is life long and has no closure.  There is a saying, "Time heals all wounds."  Well for the most part, that is true Except, when the wound is new each morning.

Getting the picture of why we are depressed?  I know we are supposed to "not dig our own hole deeper," but, the difficulty in being able to do that is, we are In the hole and the only tool we have is a Shovel.  What else can we do???

When we are "down," we don't Feel like looking for help.  That's another point of this:  it creates its own visious cycle. 

We need help to find help.  Make sense?  So, discuss with your wife, brother, sister, parents.. someone.. the idea of them looking for you then, helping you get to the appointments. 

I know you don't like doctors.  You're a man, aren't you?  Comes with the territory.  But, with good counseling, there will come the tools to co-exist with this disease and get that song out of your head.

You sound like a very strong, responsible, take control, take action kind of man.  Well, in this situation, that can be a deficit.  Strong personalities tend to identify their worth with their ability to provide support to others, whether it is financial, mental, physical or emotional.  It takes some work for us to re-train our thought/identity processes.

So, maybe you can print off a couple of things from this post:

I am alive therefore I am valuable.

And the other thing would be to print the whole post and just hand it to someone you know will pick up the phone and get an appointment for you with someone to talk with. 

A 100 mile journey is accomplished one footstep at a time.  Get your tennies on.. !  :)