First Time reaching out to anyone...

So I have never opened up to anyone before not doctors or even my own mother, so here goes nothing.
My name (at least on this thing) is Pickles123. I am from Oklahoma. I am an 18 year old girl. And I have been empty ever since I could remember. I am deciding to reach out now because a few days ago my grandma said to me that I have always been different than my brother and sister. I think she meant how I always was a little adult, mature, good in school, and just had different mannerisms. But in my head the first thing that popped into my mind is that I was not happy like them. I realized that maybe now was the time to say something, especially since I am about to make a major life change and attend a prestigious college in the country. I have taken psychology and understand the science behind what causes depression and how to fix it, but what I can not understand is why IT IS NOT WORKING. I am always down. I feel as though I do not have friends. I don't even have a best friend. How pathetic is that? I am an 18 year old without a best friend to confide in or anything. No one wants to be my friend. Because if I don't like me then why would anyone else? But I have taken the initiative to do some research online and through books and classes, and I think that I may be a manic depressive. There are periods where I feel as though I just might be happy and that everything just might be okay. Then a week later the weight of the world is on my shoulders again, and I can not breathe. My mother has always leaned on me because I was stronger than her. When my stepdad died way too young, she leaned on me. When my house burned down with my dogs inside, she leaned on me. When anything goes wrong, she leans on me. I have never had the chance to be young, to be carefree, or to be happy. When things go wrong someone needs to fix them and that would be me. It is my burden to bear. Sacrifice one for the sake of others. Well that is what my alter-ego behaves as anyway. You see the funny thing is that not a single soul I know would even sense the slightest sign of depression in me. I put on this mask that shows how bad things don't affect me and that everything will be fine. Well guess what internet world? It is NOT fine. I am a bottle-uper and closed off person. I can't not let anyone in. Others should not have to worry about my problems when they have their own to worry about, you know? If I can just live with some sadness and not bother others everything will work out in the end right? I am learning now that everything will not work out right. But I have no one to turn too. I tried telling my mom (she also has depression and anxiety but takes meds) once and guess what? She laughed. She did not even believe me! She said that if I was "so depressed" why haven't I gone to the doctor to get medicine huh? When she said that I went numb. This is why I don't open up. People don't believe me. People have other problems. I have tried to take things into my own hands before but it never worked. When I was 13 I came home from school got a knife from the kitchen and just ran the tip across my wrist leaving little red marks. I never went deep enough to really draw blood (I was too much of a coward). But I just kept running it and running it and running it and running it in the same spot until I felt something. It just speckled a few microscopic dots of red, and I felt relieved and put it in the sink to be washed. I never considered myself a cutter. Never had. I only did that three or four times when I was 13ish and have not in a while. But that was just one of the few things I tried to do to feel something. The next thing I tried was starving myself. It was not that I was obsessed with being thin. I am a big girl. But it was more about control. When I didn't eat I felt as though I had control over my body and could do anything! That feeling only lasted a few days at a time, because I never could starve for long periods of time. I am a smart girl, I know that it is unhealthy. But it gave me a glimpse of control and normality. When I could dominate an innate human feeling of hunger I had control. It made me feel as though I had control over another innate human feeling, happiness. But as the years went on, my on-again-off-again dance with starvation ended and I moved on to just being numb.
I want to get better really, but I am scared. What if I don't like the new me? What if I lose my control? What if I become an unnecessary burden on others? I just can not take that risk. I have tried journals. I could never stay consistent. I have tried yoga and meditation. I could never stay concentrated. I even tried to leave hints to people to get them to notice. But no one cared. This one time in my AP psychology class we took a depression quiz. If you got 25 or below you were fine. 26-60ish you were at risk and 61-90 you needed help. Everyone in the class got 25 or below. The lowest was like 6. I got an 83. I told everyone that I got a 23, but I took the quiz on the back of a take-home test due to the teacher the next day. I turned it in and after the fact I realized that my real score was still on the paper. In the back of my mind I hoped that my teacher would see it and try to help. But like everyone in my life, nothing happened. He did not even mention anything or even hint. I could tell. That was one good thing that came with this depression. I can easily read and pick up on the smallest things a person does or notices just to make sure that they do not try to blow my cover. Which has worked so far. I think that is what helps me in my acting. But no one cared to notice because I am not worth noticing. People say that people with depression just need to get over themselves and that they are just over-reacting and everything can be cured with a little happy pill. That is not true. It is harder than it looks. I mean having to keep up with the mask you put on for others so that they do not have to go through the same thing you do is difficult. I can not just wake up one morning and say that I will change my attitude or that I am going to walk up to someone and say "Hello my name is Pickles123 and I am depressed. Would you care to help me?" No it is more difficult than that! I can not just go about telling my problems to someone and expecting some empathy when they have their own things to worry about! I will not be a burden on others! This right here: spilling my guts to internet people that will never meet me face to face is such a huge difficult step for me that not only have I cried (which is a sign of weakness) but I have been reluctant to press the submit button ever since I started my google search of depressed chat rooms.

But I come here today to learn from others. You all brave people as to what I should do. I am not wanting medicine. I am not wanting to have to tell my family or anyone I know. I just need some real advice as to what I need to do to get better. I can live with this but I am sick and tired of having to lie to people's faces. I am tired of hiding behind a smile. I am tired of being someone I am not. So if you took the time to read my pathetic pleas and reasonings even though you don't have to and you have better things to do, if you would please let me know what I should do. Or better yet tell me how or where I can find the source of all this and fix it on my own. After all, I bear my burdens myself. Always.

Pickles

I hope you get help here. I actually registered when I read your post. First time I have been at this site. Don't be afraid to see a psychiatrist. You are depressed, you don't need to be high, you need something to level off your body chemicals to get you to feel normal.

This was a big step for you. Once you get meds, know that is you decide to go to counseling, any weird feelings, you can always change counselors, if they are right-on, you will feel it.

I have been depressed since I have been a child. Parents put their heads in the sand.
I didn't get help until in my twenties. They cried. I knew I was doing this for me!! It was a good thing. I wasn't strong enough not to tell them, which would probably have helped me.

It helped me a great deal. I am still struggling with healing a lifetime of being scared and down. It is a tough habit to break," the triggers ".

One thing I always think which has helped........
It is non of your business what others think of you.

It takes a while to take it all in, you only need to take care of you! Others only take control of what is not theirs to control.
Us...we are searching, so we look for help. Help will be within you : )

I am sure there is a good friend waiting out there - just to meet you!

I will be around....

Cherish