Always Overwhelmed

Hi... I have just joined looking for some support and help in knowing that I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. I'm impressed with the threads I've read so far and how welcoming and understanding you all are towards each other. I'm a stay-at-home home of four little boys... a 7 year old, twin 4 year olds and a 1 year old. My husband works full-time, but does not make enough money to support our family, so my parents moved in with us. I take medication for depression/anxiety and it is hereditary. My mother and maternal grandfather both suffer, though we don't talk ever about it. Sometimes I feel like I can't do even the most simple of tasks. I get overwhelmed at the thought of getting out of bed and making breakfast in the morning. I feel like a rotten mom and my kids aren't getting what they need from me. I love them so much and they get lots of hugs and kisses and "I love you's"... but I don't teach them very much. It's so hard to write that. I feel like a failure.  My 7 year old struggles with school and my twins do not speak well. It seems like everyone else I know does a wonderful job with their kids. I know I shouldn't compare myself, but I can't help it. One friend of mine has her children on a set schedule; things they do each and every day, i.e. clean room, read for 20 minutes, pull weeds, etc. I just don't see myself being able to do that. It's hard for me to have a schedule...if I don't do everything on the list and perfectly, I get too overwhelmed and shut down; then nothing gets done. Most days are spent on the computer, in front of the TV, or napping while my 3 older kids are in the backyard playing or inside watching TV and the baby is with me. My parents live with us, and that only seems to add to the problem. My mom won't (or can't) help with the kids and is very judgemental of me. She says to me "I've struggled with depression my entire life, and I still managed to raise you and your brothers and keep the house clean..."  And my dad works during the day. I just wondered what (if any) tips and/or words of encouragement somebody might have. Thanks for taking the time to read my vent :)

Hi CrazedMama. I have also struggled with depression for many years now. With my first child (who is 16) I was a working mother and the depression had not yet hit in full force. However, for my second daughter (who is 12), I felt exactly the same way you described. Before I take a second to give you some thoughts on how to handle it, let me address those "perfect" moms now who seem to be doing everything right. Kudos to them!! However, realize that no matter how great everything looks on the outside there is ALWAYS somewhere where they struggle as well. They're just keeping it well hidden. So don't be so hard on yourself.

With my second daughter I realized that I needed to provide some educational activities for her and I knew they would not get done with me at home. Therefore, I signed the two of us up for Mommy-and-Me playgroups, Me and My Shadow Gymnastics class, brought us to the library 1x a week for Storytime, etc. I know you may be thinking, I can't do that. But yes, you really can. Number 1, it can be done inexpensively if you research first, #2 it will get you out of bed and out of your house; which you WILL appreciate once you accomplish it and #3 it will give your children a chance for socialization and educational activities. ..Now, granted I only did this with my one daughter and your have four children. But maybe it would be good to get your mother out of the house or two maybe once you met up with other mothers they would help you too. Please know that I get very anxious in group situations and going out to be social is very hard for me. But I found that when you have a child with you, you instantly share common bonds with other moms and it is easier to talk. ...Just give this some thought. If you give yourself and your children something fun to do it will help with the depression a little. Also, as a last thought, my town library has passes to museums, theaters etc. so if we reserve them ahead of time we can go for free. Maybe if you were somehow able to convince your mom to watch one or two of the children you could even take your twins out for special activities.

These are just my thoughts. Hang in there. I know having depression is hard enough, but it sounds like having your mom with you is actually making it a little more difficult.

((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Cass

Slowly, by putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe go though the chamber of commerce if you have one, or contact the schools. I am sure that Cass knows of some organizations that I can't think of. I don't have young kids, so I am not familiar with all that. But I am sure that there are some social groups near you that you could attend with the children. And to me, just raising the kids is hard enough. But you will make friends doing this. Getting into such activities is good for the whole family and maybe even give you some free time while the kids are doing their thing.

Best wishes to you, and best of luck...

Hugs, Karen

Hi there,

I just wanted you to know how much I can relate to your situation.  I too am a stay-at-home mom.  I only have 2 children (a 3 year old and 9 month old), but I just can't imagine how you do it!  Two kids has overwhelmed me to the point that I don't even recognize myself anymore.  My 3 year old is so smart, but doesn't have very pronounced speech - I have to translate for most other people, and I feel so horrible that I haven't done more to remedy that.  I feel guilty that somedays while the baby sleeps I sit on the couch and doze while my 3 year old watches TV.  And, although my mother doesn't live with me, she lives right next door, and while her help is sometimes invaluable, other times her "advise" is a little more than I can take, and also contributes to my depression.  I recently read an article about eliminating clutter, which my house is overflowing with, by the way.  Even though we can barely get by on my husband's paycheck, we have so much "stuff" we barely fit into the space ourselves.  Anyway, this article categorized the reasons why different types of people have cluttered homes, and the type I realized that I am is actually a perfectionist; if I can't do it perfectly, then I don't even bother to try.  Just reading this made me realize that my home doesn't need to be perfect for me to feel better about it, and I'm coming to terms with that.  I got some boxes together, and loaded up everything that was on the living room floor.  I got my 3 year old to help by making a game out of it.  Over the next two weeks, I made a concerted effort to spend a few minutes everyday putting the clutter that finds its way back to the floor into it's rightful place.  I vacuumed a few times too.  These are big accomplishments for me.  I've even gotten to the point where I'm getting to those boxes of toys and miscellaneous that are in the corner, and getting them cleaned out.  This is starting to spread to other rooms now too.  On most days I can see the surface of the kitchen table, and we sit around it to eat dinner.  This is a slow process, and my house isn't even close to what I would consider being organized.  But it does look better, and it makes me feel like I've accomplished something.  And I'm not so ashamed of it anymore. 

The first day I started this, I decided that I would choose 3 things that I felt I needed to accomplish everyday in order to feel ok about my efforts in housekeeping.  I figured that if I washed some dishes(even just a sink full), did some laundry (even just one load), and took the diaper pail garbage out, then the day wasn't a total waste and I was on the right path.  I don't always get to those things everyday, but recently I've been doing them most days, and getting up and doing them has led to doing more and more. 

I hope things start to look up for you, and I hope you find as much comfort in knowing you aren't alone as I do.

best wishes for a sunny tomorrow,

butterfly11