Can't stop being stupid

My boyfriend and I argue like most couples do but he thinks it's much worse. He is an alcoholic and I am very moody (I wouldn't go so far as to say I am bi-polar because I tend to have mediocre highs and lows).

Today's argument started simple enough - we share a car and he was 20 minutes late calling me to tell me he would be an hour late picking me up from work... I was upset to say the least but not because he would be late but because he didn't answer the phone when I tried calling him. I get crazy if he doesn't answer the phone and I dialed his number probably 15 times in the 20 minutes it took him to call me. He was furious that I would call him that much. He had a legit excuse as to why he was late but I think that still doesn't excuse him for not letting me know sooner that he would be that late. He ignored me all night and I couldn't stand it any longer... I went to the living room where he was sleeping and I asked him to come into bed. All seemed to be ok. BUT he insisted on listening to his headphones at full blast which was keeping me up. I feel like he did that to play mind games on me and to make me mad. I asked him if he was doing it on purpose and he blew up at me again. Now he's broken up with me and said our relationship is in ruins and it can't be fixed. I admit that I am not super happy every day but I smile when I think about him and I can't imagine being without him. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and I have asked him to go to couples counseling but he refuses to go. I am lost. I don't know if I should just leave him or try to make this work. I DO know that what we have is toxic in the state it is in now but it could be so good if I could just stop being so needy. I'd like to go to counseling by myself but I tried that a couple years ago and felt like I was boring the counsellor - she didn't seem interested and really didn't offer any insight on my concerns.

All I want to do is to go out to the couch now and try to hug him (that would put him through the roof I know). I will try to stay strong. Is anyone going through the same thing? I'd really like to talk to someone. -C.M.

Hi Karen,

Thank you for replying to my post. I am looking into my insurance for a counsellor - we have a paid employee assistance program. I would like to try it again... I seem to bottle my bad emotions so when they do come out it is in a title wave. Not good. Having a non-judgemental third party to talk to would be nice (writing my post seemed to help too last night) :)

Before I left for work today he told me he loved me but he didn't want to talk about what happened. I honestly was just happy to hear that he still loves me. I am home from work now and he still doesn't want to talk about it but he said we can work it out. I think we both just need time to think. I am 29 and he is 28 and we are old enough to know that our problems can't work themselves out overnight. He likes to talk but only when he is in the mood. Which certainly leads to me to assuming and our lack of complete communication.

As for my life outside of our relationship, I work a lot (probably close to 50 hours a week) and I go to the gym. I also have lunch with some close girl friends every other week and I am on a co-ed sports team that meets once a week. I have a pretty nice social life actually. So I seem normal on paper but what's not normal is how I react and think (DWELL) about things. Especially in our relationship. It gets me down because I am always thinking the worst with him. He has certain triggers when he drinks that will lead him to either be the most snuggly and loving guy you can imagine or very sarcastic and judgmental. Most of the time it's the former but when its the latter I cry every time.

This feels very good to just let this out and know someone is listening. Thank you very much. I appreciate your time Karen! -C.M.