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Posted 8/17/2011 6:39 AM (GMT 0)
This is really hard for me to write. I am teen girl and have had to grow up fast. After my parents divorced and my dad left i had to raise my little brother. my mom was never really around. i first tried to commit  3 years ago but my little brother walked in on me and i couldnt bare leaving him in this world alone. i tried to be strong. a boy i fell in love with helped me out of my depression and my new found case of insomnia. i often snuck out of the house to see him when i was sad or depressed or suicidal, though my parents often thought i was out partying. i tried to hide everything for my little brother. i lost my virginity because of peer pressure and when everyone found out i becme really popular to boys. the boy i loved took me to a fest one night and when we were seperated i was raped by one of his friends, a boy i trusted. after that it was very hard for me to be near boys. i would always shake and get scared. i eventually tried to get over my fear and would do little things like try to hug my friends again. i soon began to trust a small amount of males in my high school and even got a boyfriend. I felt secure with him and eventually had sex with him. The feeling was still scary to me but I was able to grasp my fear and get over it for a little while. Now, with each person I feel close to, which isn’t a lot, I take advantage of the situation and sleep with them, feeling better each time. But, I now realize how wrong my actions are and want to change. But, I feel as if I’m too far down the road to turn back now. With this thought my depression has returned as well as my suicidal emotions. I feel like I need help but I can’t go to anyone. My parents can’t know but I need guidance and I need it now.

 

I had to edit your post as we are not allowed to discuss suicide.  Thanks for understanding...Hugs, Karen...

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/17/2011 8:11:31 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/17/2011 9:59 AM (GMT 0)
First off the only time it is too late to change what you are doing is when you have drawn your last breath. It may not and probably won't be easy to make some changes but it is doable.

Secondly your reaction to being raped is quite normal. Some close off completely and others seek out more positive encounters trying to erase the bad one as you are doing. While it may make you feel a little better the reality is in the long run it does little to nothing to help you to actually heal from your trauma so one day you can have a healthy relationship with someone.

My suggestion to you is to look up a rape crisis hotline number and when you are out and about find a public phone and call it and talk to the person on the other end. Explain your situation, your age, etc and ask what the laws are in your area regarding parental notification. It may be that wherever you are at your parents do not have to be notified of you receiving counseling and they may be able to arrange it that you see one during school hours. If worse comes to worse and your parents do have to be notified they may only have to be notified that you are seeing a counselor but not about what or it could just be said it is for mild depression.
Posted 8/17/2011 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Eurogirl96,

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I think if you wanted to you could press charges against this guy. Or you could choose to move on. I agree, counseling is the way to go. So I would try it. Most of us go and it really helps. You need somebody that you can open up to and get this all out. Coming here helps too. You will get much needed support.

Keep posting and know that we all care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/18/2011 6:08 AM (GMT 0)
I agree, it isn't too late to change. You're not any worse than anyone else, you're a human with both good and bad qualities. You did the right thing by reaching out to people on here, and I'm very glad you didn't 'carry out' the things you had intended to do.

What happened to you can never go away, it was a horrible thing that is inexcusable. But it was not your fault. In fact, it is very common for people who are the victims of sexual abuse to try and express themselves through sexual acts. It helps them heal or feel connected to someone who isn't going to hurt them. So yes, you should refrain from doing this---but it isn't like you're some freak or a horrible person for feeling like this. You had lots of stuff happen to you, and you deserve to have a life of your own.

If you do have the urge to self harm in anyway, I would take the advice of the others on here. Call a crisis hotline--even 911. Your life has value, and many people--maybe even yourself one day--will completely appreciate that and be so grateful that you took the steps to try and get better.
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