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Posted 8/18/2011 12:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi. Lately I feel like I have no emotions which is really strange as I attend Drama College and should be full of it. Lately i feel like everyone is sinical and I'm always negative. What can I do to get my old self back??

I used to be bubbly and laugh at everything, but I was sexually abused and since then I have lost all feeling. I wish I didn't feel like this, but I do. I'm always blank and people ask me if I'm okay all the time. Help!

Post Edited (christchurchtowellington) : 8/18/2011 6:39:30 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/18/2011 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
I agree CBT does help. I think it would be a good idea to go to counseling and get this sorted out. You may be able to use these emotions in drama. Who knows? But the cbt therapy really helps. (Cognative Behavioral Therapy) It teaches us to look at things differently and how to cope. You have been through a lot and none of it is your fault.

Keep posting, know we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/19/2011 12:08 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I will have a look into that movie to see if I can understand it. I was 18 when it happened, now 19. I just don't see how councelling will help because they weren't there and they don't understand exactly what went on. I just find it hard to open up to strangers like that.

I fear for my friends, they're all really pretty girls and I see the way guys look at them when we go out. It's disgusting.

Yes, Wellington is very windy! Christchurch is getting better. They've designed a new CBD. It'll just take a few years to fully get back to normal.

Thanks again.
Posted 8/19/2011 2:31 AM (GMT 0)
That CBT sounds interesting. Might look into that.
As for the councelling, I understand their job and whatnot but I just can't say a whole lot of personal stuff to a stranger because they don't know me. I'd rather just talk to someone I know about it, even though they're not doctors. It's just something I have a problem with. If someone comes up to me and says, "you okay?" my automatic reaction is to say "yes", even if that's not true. It just seems attention seeking otherwise. That's just a personal thought.

I would talk to my doctor about it but I don't live in Christchurch anymore, I moved up to Wellington in Jan by myself, everyone I know and trust is down there. I always get homesick too which probably doesn't help. I'm missing out on my niece and nephew growing up. I've missed all the family birthdays too.

I can talk in front of large crowds, but I think I'm slowly losing confidence and that terrifies me. I'm starting to feel bad about myself, it's like I'm going backwards. As a child, I had very low self-confidence but at the age of 13 I started a Drama school and after a year or two, I gained so much confidence. I went from a quiet girl, to shy to ask for a drink or anything, to a loud, bubbly girl who wouldn't shut up. Since June/July, things seem to be going backwards.

I know that all guys aren't like that, I have some very nice male friends who care for girls, not just the way they look.
I see the girls (not just the one I know) and the dresses they are wearing are so short and revealing, it seems to me like they're asking for trouble. It's winter here and we get temperatures of 8 degrees celcius max. So they're not wearing them because it's warm. Then I spend my whole night worrying about them and don't have a good time.
Posted 8/20/2011 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
I only return to chch in the holidays which aren't until October. I am in the process of finding a doctor as I am quite sick now.
Today, I don't know why, but I got really angry. I had no reason to. I even punched a door and I never punch anything, ever. I was so shocked with myself. I don't know what came over me and it scared me. Everyone I saw was irritating. I ended up leaving my friends and taking a taxi home. I just didn't feel safe.

I found out today that I have Irlens syndrome which is a problem with sight and the glasses will cost over $400 which I don't have at the moment. And I'm getting sicker and sicker. Pretty sure it's crohns disease. I will know for sure soon but my brother and sister have it.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do anymore. With anything. I hate writing this because I feel like such an attention seeker.
Posted 8/20/2011 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
You aren't an attention seeker. You are just facing so many problems. crohns is no fun. I hope you don't have it. Keep posting and seeking support. That is what we are here for.  The "lion's club" might help with glasses.  I think that is what they call it around here.  I don't know what you would call it but it helps with eye sight.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/20/2011 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Chch2Wgtn,

Please let us know how you are getting on. I can very much understand your feeling with counselling, I too hold the same opinion, some damage just can't be fixed in an hour. (Other's on this site endorse therapy, and I completly understand why, but for me, it doesn't fit)

When I am going through the 'blank stage', I ask myself every hour what I am feeling and why? At first it is really hard to work out the name for the emotion I am feeling, and the why, but it does get easier when you are able to identify and name the emotion.

Because things are mounting up for you in terms of new medical possibilities and your mechanisums for dealing with your emotions, I do urge you to get answers for what's happening medically, and slow down if you can with the angry emotions you are recognising. Anger is a powerful emotion, you can use anger in a positive driving way as well.

I have only read your posts, so don't know what others have said to you, as I have a shocking headache tonight so are limiting what I read and try to make sense of.

BTW, wasn't the snow magic last week, and isn't it a cold morning today, yip, I am in Wgtn too.
Posted 8/20/2011 4:44 PM (GMT 0)
You guys got snow already? Oh no... NOt ready for this yet. I still have tons to do before winter. It must be cold there...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/20/2011 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
We never get snow in Wgtn, and we are meant to be in spring. This was a freak snow fall that lasted three days to ground level, but where I live, we have a fresh dusting on the mountain yesterday. We are so not used to the snow, and was very difficuly getting around on public transport to get to work and home again without being fully prepared.

It certainly looked very very pretty, but feels very very ugly, lol
Posted 8/21/2011 6:41 AM (GMT 0)
Today at work I felt real down. The girls I work with are lovely, but almost every smile I had was fake. Grrr. I don't like this! I just want to go back to Chch but I can't.

I was in Chch for that snow a couple of weeks back so the Wellington snow wasn't too impressive for me haha. Us southerners are used to it. What a coincedence you are in Wellington too awty.
Posted 8/21/2011 10:58 AM (GMT 0)
Isn't it just, lol, Yeah, you Southerners sure are a tuff breed, lol. Well, for my four eyes, it was magic, loved laying in bed with the elctric blanket going, the cat wrapped up, and just staring out the window. It just wasn't fun walking 40mins to work in it.

For fake smiles, everyone does that, even people that appear to be happy have days like that. Totally normal.

When will you be able to get to a GP?
Posted 8/21/2011 11:42 AM (GMT 0)
That sounds nice. I was at my course and all the Wellingtonians are Northeners who had never seen snow were so excited haha.

I'm going to go to a doctors place tomorrow to see if they have space for me. It's a free doctor too for under 25's. Hopefully there are spaces.
Posted 8/21/2011 12:05 PM (GMT 0)
Fingers crossed for you that they do have a space for you. Please let us know how you got on.

Hoping your anger is more managable for you as well.
Posted 8/22/2011 9:23 AM (GMT 0)
Nope! No spaces for me. That means I have to find myself a GP which will just cost me money I spent on getting my eyes fixed. I have a community services card that will give me discount though. Still is a bit of a pain.

Today one of my friends asked me what's been going on with me lately. And I don't know if this is normal or not, but I couldn't find the words to say. I didn't know where to begin. He knows something is up as he's noticed abnormal behaviour etc but instead of talking, I said, "Nothing." I would trust him with my life so I'm not too sure why I couldn't talk to him.
Posted 8/22/2011 11:48 AM (GMT 0)
When people ask me that question, I tend to not say what is really going on either. Chch2wgtn, firstly, I am so sorry someone violated you, I understand your anger, that should never have happened to you period.

Does the friend that confronted you know about this? If so, I would respond with, I am just trying to process what happened to me. I know for me, I spend so long with my walls up, that it can take me aback when I need to open up and let someone in. I am not always prepared for that, it isn't an instant process for me, so it is easier to not answer honestly and to just give a standard answer. If people around you are safe, it would be really good if you could answer them truthfully, then they will know you are not upset with them, you are just processing what has happened.

Have you been able to make an appointment with the GP yet?
Posted 8/23/2011 11:48 AM (GMT 0)
I knew one of the guys as well. We'd previosly been friends. Then he did that. I was stuck in his house, there was just him and I there but all the doors were locked and the windows would only open a very small amount. Eventually I found a key and ran out of that house while he was asleep and I haven't talked to him since. I escaped his house in the morning. That same day, I went to my friends 18th at her place and there were a few people I didn't know there and one of them was watching me the entire night, then he asked if he could talk to me for a bit, he was acting upset so I thought I would offer help. Stupid me, because that guy who looked upset was just acting and then he raped me in that room while everyone was just outside. I shouldn't have gone into that room with him. These incidents have made me realise that I shouldn't trust people so easily.

Yup he knows what happened. Not details, just that it happened. Twice. I guess that's a good response.

No I haven't found one yet, I live opposite a 24/7 medical place so might see if they know of any.
Posted 8/23/2011 2:00 PM (GMT 0)
I applaude you for sharing that, I know that wasn't easy for you to do. I will reiterate and say, I am so very sorry that happened to you TWICE.

It is not for me a matter of trust, the fault lies with the males that abused you, it shouldn't matter if you trust or not, it simply shouldn't have happened period. The fault lies completing at thier feet.

I will be away from here for over a week as on leave, but I hope when I came back, you have been able to get the medical clarification you need to elieviate at least one problem. (I firmly believe, work on the things you can do, the rest will come later)

Take gentle care with you, it's great to see you have been able to open up a little.
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