Please help.

This is my first time using a forum to talk about my problems so it's hard for me to type it but I'll try my best.

I am a 21 year old female going into my senior year of college. I am trying to get into medical school but tonight I feel like I don't want to do anything anymore. This is because I am hurting a lot. Today I hung out with my ex and this is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done. We dated for almost 3 years and I love him deeply but he is only trying to use me. But I still keep thinking he loves me just as much and I keep allowing him into my life. I've tried blocking him out for about a month but he randomly emailed me the day before my MCAT and I talked to him all night and I hope I didn't do poorly because of lack of sleep. I feel like such an idiot for trusting him over and over. I feel worthless and useless. I don't treat myself right because I let people walk all over me. And now I feel lost, hopeless, and scared. Last semester I was diagnosed with depression from the free counselor at school but they weren't helping me. I refused to take any meds because I want to overcome this without meds. I think part of the reason I am the way I am today is from childhood abuse and being bullied throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I only have a few good friends but I've tried asking them for help so much they are just tired of it. I can't go to my parents for help because they don't understand. They are very strict and also they don't have the money for any kind of help for me even if I wanted to see a professional. I'm running out of options and I don't know what to do. I'm worried about my future and my career, but I'm also worried about myself in the present. I feel like I'm slowly fading and losing touch of reality. I don't go anywhere except stay in my room all day in front of my computer or in the case of school time, I go to class and then shut myself in my room. I keep getting hurt and everything seems like a dream. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't even know reality from fantasy anymore. I feel like I'm alone and I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of being alone too. I have to shut my ex out of my life before he hurts me anymore but it's so hard to do that. I care about him so much and I want my dreams with him to come true. But I don't think they ever will, especially because of what happened tonight. He said he just wants to be friends and I can't have that. This hurts me too much.
I'm all messed up and I hope someone can read this and understand what I'm going through. I also hope someone can give me any advice because I'm very lost.

Aeruthie said...
This is my first time using a forum to talk about my problems so it's hard for me to type it but I'll try my best.

I am a 21 year old female going into my senior year of college. I am trying to get into medical school but tonight I feel like I don't want to do anything anymore. This is because I am hurting a lot. Today I hung out with my ex and this is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done. We dated for almost 3 years and I love him deeply but he is only trying to use me. But I still keep thinking he loves me just as much and I keep allowing him into my life. I've tried blocking him out for about a month but he randomly emailed me the day before my MCAT and I talked to him all night and I hope I didn't do poorly because of lack of sleep. I feel like such an idiot for trusting him over and over. I feel worthless and useless. I don't treat myself right because I let people walk all over me. And now I feel lost, hopeless, and scared. Last semester I was diagnosed with depression from the free counselor at school but they weren't helping me. I refused to take any meds because I want to overcome this without meds. I think part of the reason I am the way I am today is from childhood abuse and being bullied throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I only have a few good friends but I've tried asking them for help so much they are just tired of it. I can't go to my parents for help because they don't understand. They are very strict and also they don't have the money for any kind of help for me even if I wanted to see a professional. I'm running out of options and I don't know what to do. I'm worried about my future and my career, but I'm also worried about myself in the present. I feel like I'm slowly fading and losing touch of reality. I don't go anywhere except stay in my room all day in front of my computer or in the case of school time, I go to class and then shut myself in my room. I keep getting hurt and everything seems like a dream. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't even know reality from fantasy anymore. I feel like I'm alone and I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of being alone too. I have to shut my ex out of my life before he hurts me anymore but it's so hard to do that. I care about him so much and I want my dreams with him to come true. But I don't think they ever will, especially because of what happened tonight. He said he just wants to be friends and I can't have that. This hurts me too much.
I'm all messed up and I hope someone can read this and understand what I'm going through. I also hope someone can give me any advice because I'm very lost.

Dear Aeruthie,

You poor, sweet young lady. My heart aches for you right now. Only those of us who have dwelt in depression can understand the pain, agony, and despair associated with it. Please listen to Jamie, medication does help. I am living proof. I was young once, and like you I wanted to battle depression on my own. It wasn't until I finally surrendered (after 20+ years) that I fully recovered. Depression is a completely treatable illness. You are experiencing a chemical imbalance in your brain. One of the neurotransmitters that make up your brain is out of whack and the treatment is as simple as finding out which one it is and restoring it to therapeutic levels. This may take a while, so patience is necessary. In my case I had to try two different medications. Some people have to try less, some more, but everyone gets better once they find the right one. I know it's hard to think about, but if you were diabetic you'd stick that insulin needle in your arm every day and not give it a second thought. This is no different. You need help right now, and there is nothing that says you have to take the medication forever. I was on an anti depressant for one year and have never taken or needed it since. You can have the same success, but only you can make the decision to seek help.

In this day and age there is no need for anyone to suffer. The pain you're feeling is palatable in your words. I wish I could crawl through this monitor and hug you right now. I know what you feel like and it's a hell that no one should have to endure. Please seek professional help. You don't have to feel this way.

I can't talk because I'm trying to come out of my own fantasy world that I've lived in for 8 years. Please get help now because you WILL ruin your life and career if you don't. I thought/and still fight the whole huge misconception (my psychosis problem) that I love God so this can't be happening. I had a traumatic experience happen to me 8 years ago concerning God and religion so it's been my psychosis for all these years. Half the time I think God is conspiring and everyone else around me, to hurt me. I'm coming to terms with myself or trying to that all of my thoughts are owned by ME and I have to take ownership for them. I'm not saying this is what you're going through, but you spoke of your lack of connection to reality and I'm telling you, if you don't get help NOW, I'm afraid you will do what I did for 8 years- you will seperate yourself from the world, your family, your friends, etc. and live in that fantasy world (whatever it is that your mind makes up). I still fight the fact that I don't want to take drugs, and I still don't take them like I should because I believe in self-power just as much as the next person. Try to keep an open mind and listen to others (this is hard for me/especially with the God psychosis because half the time I think it is HE who is telling me I need or need not to do certain things). Definitely journal everything and you have to start finding worth in your life-HELLO you're like rockin it over there with the medical school! If you can get through this hurdle, which you can, you can be one of the most respected medical professionals out there someday! I just think that's awesome!

As far as the man, I wish I could slap you up side the head and give you a hug at the same time. Men are not worth anything in your life, especially when they have told you they don't want anything further. That's why I cannot scream enough that you have got to hold onto something in your life (dealing with you and only you) that you can grasp onto and strive for....you have really got to take the time to look at yourself even though if you're like me, it will be painful, and really say "What do I want in life? Then, the sky is the limit! Go for it! But yeah, the man, it's gonna be hard but let him go----he will only bring you down further and my friend, you are worthy enough to be somebody without him. The problem with ourselves is that we can never escape ourselves so learning to deal with yourself, your thoughts, your actions, etc is going to be key in how you deal the rest of your life. Keep up your studies and get rid of that, I'm worthless crap....you just have to make up your MIND that you ARE a BESUTIFUL person who can do ANYTHING! If you are so gung-ho on no medicine then you need to dig REAL deep and force yourself to do some things with your mind, heart, attitude, soul etc. that aren't always going to be happy things. Do it! I'm not saying, don't take meds, because they do help, but we ALL have to learn ourselves and help the SELF that we are.

Man, I never knew I had all this in me until i sat down to write because as I stated, the MIND and what you are already facing (the lack of reality) will only get worse and drive you into a downward spiral. GET HELP NOW! Whatever you have to do-do it! I hope this helps! Don't mean to be strict- it's just how it is. I am sending you hugs as well, but I've learned tough self-LOVE is sometimes the best medicine!

Well wishes

Dx- Borderline personality disorder, major depression with psychosis

Thank you everyone for your kind words of advice. It's been very hard to cope with the fact that he's out of my life now (I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore). I've been writing in my journal and it helps me transfer all of my emotions to paper. I admit that I still can't stop thinking about him but I'm slowly trying to learn to live without him. I know that I won't be able to love another until I work on myself. I have been paying lots of attention to nature and the world around me because it's always around and yet I barely ever regard its beauty.

I also have an idea to help me become at peace with what has happened. I don't know if it'll work but I'm going to dedicate some time to it and hopefully it'll help.

I have also decided that I don't need any meds nor a professional after all and I'll go to school as planned. I become stronger with each negative experience and it'll always get better. I am going to try getting out more and hopefully make some new friends to keep me occupied. School starts next week so I'll be updating this thread more to share what happens.

I hope everyone here is having a great day and I look forward to reading more replies because all of your replies cheer me up.