Dwelling in the Past (1-yr-later)

The past 4-weeks that I have been on Lamictal along with my other meds, it has really helped with the self-harm stuff. Then this last week I started feeling different, weird. I couldn't really put the words with how I have been feeling & my emotions. Then the past couple nights I have cried myself to sleep (and I haven't been able to cry in a couple months)...I began thinking of "Feeling Words" to write down for my Pdoc. Started with Overwhelmed, sad, very lonely (how can I feel so lonely when I have my husband sound asleep next to me & 6-kids still living at home), I just don't understand why the loneliness turns into me feeling empty, hopeless. Rapid cycling of my thoughts jumping all around from one subject to another while never finishing the complete thought...If that makes any sense.

As the days have drawn nearer it feels like all my feelings and emotions are such a weight on my shoulders.
Friday; Sept. 2nd, will be the 1-yr mark for hitting rock bottom. Attempting to end my life, police taking me at gunpoint, handcuffed and taken to the Psych/Suicide Ward at the Hospital...Putting me on a lockdown, where I remained for a couple weeks. First time ever having to meet a Psychiatrist in person, let alone tell these strange people my deepest thoughts about myself. Saturday; Sept. 3rd, will be my 1-yr birthday for my sobriety!

I'm also kind of feeling a little angry, hurt, or let down that my Family wasn't supportive & there for me when I needed them. I was kicked out & homeless for 3-months...And yet for the first time in 6-yrs I was sober, and getting Psychiatric help weekly & put on psych meds for the first time. "Oh, and I continued going to my Outpatient Treatment program for Dual-Diagnosis for 6-months. My parents, Husband, 6-of my 7-kids wouldn't talk to me. I guess I'm just reliving some of those feelings.

Thanx for letting me vent. Smiles, Hugz, & Rainbows sent your way.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee

Bipolar 2, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic-Anxiety Disorder, Ptsd.
Meds: Neurontin, Buspar, Vistaril, Lamictal, Trazadone

Loop ileostomy May 2011, Currently have Pelvic & Bladder Trauma & Dysfunction

I don't think it is so unusual to relive what happened a year ago. Just don't let effect your healing that you have done. Of make you feel bad about yourself. What happened is in the past and has been your first steps to healing. It was probably very traumatic at that time. But it is over now and you have come a long way. Remember what you have accomplished and try to forget the bad things.

You are a wonderful person. Never forget that.

Hugs, Karen