My birthday is coming up in a little over a week and I am so anxious about it. Firstly, this is the 9th birthday in a row that I have no friends to invite to a birthday party. It pains me to know that aside from my family, no one gives a crap that it is my birthday or that I was even born. I'm Facebook friends and have exchanged numbers with classmates and co-workers and none of them even take the time to leave me a message on my Facebook or text me and wish me a happy birthday, even though I see some of them on a daily basis and they were ONLINE on that day and could see that it was my birthday. I even told three people on three seperate occasions that it was my birthday the day before (when they asked me at school/work what I did yesterday) and I basically got something like "oh, ok" or they'd change the subject. They didn't even wish me a happy birthday to my face!
I really am dreading whathappens every year. Shortly before my birthday, it hits me that "here comes another birthday and you have no friends to celebrate with." I see everybody going out with friends to clubs for their birthdays, while I have no one to do that with. I become severely depressed on my birthday and totally miserable and all I want is for the day to be over.
Last year, I hit an all-time low in that I spent the night before unable to sleep and in this state of panic that my birthday is the next day and I have no friends to celebrate with. I was in a complete and utter panic the whole day of my birthday. My hands were shaking, my heart was beating out of my chest, I felt like I had a huge weight on my chest all day and couldn't breathe. At dinner with my family, I ate a couple bites of food and ended up running outside to vomit in the bushes. This continued all the night because the anxiety just built up to the point that I couldn't talk or eat without instantly vomiting.
For a whole month after, I was out of college because I was in a major depression and spent 95% of the time in bed in a trancelike state. I'm still not over this and any reminders of anything to do with birthdays automatically makes me extrememly depressed to the point that I cannot function.
Also, my birthday is also a sign that here I am, another year older, and I am still unable to manage my depression and anxiety, still struggling to get and undergraduate degree and have no prospect of landing a decent job because of my illness and my crappy education record.
My birthday just makes me feel so alone and depressed that it is hard to recover from. I have been dreading it all year and I don't know how to handle it or what to do exactly so it isn't the terrible experience it is every year.