My 3am spiel

By reading some of these posts I realize that honestly I have nothing to complain about. People deal with cancers, deaths, domestic violence, and here I'm the one feeling disadvantaged. How selfish!

Oh well. I cannot afford a counselor, and I don't think I will be able to.. really, I just need some insight. Please forgive the discontinuedness, I've never really written about this stuff before.


Some background info, I'm 20 yr old male starting my second year of community college. I struggle with daily anxiety which bleeds into a super introverted depression. When depressed, I make enemies of my closest friends.  Just to see what it was like... I really don't know if I would actually do it. I haven't done anything that extreme in a long time, although suicide still flashes into my mind when I'm at a low point.

My life isn't super dramatic. I'm a very laid back individual in social situations, perhaps a bit shy. I've never been in a fight or had issues with anybody really. In fact, nobody knows how I feel, or why I am the way that I am. Consequently... it's left me wondering the same things.

I've never been to a doctor for my depression/anxiety issues. Mostly because of denial. I've always been of the mindset that willpower is the determining force behind every decision, the solution to every problem, and now I'm realizing that there are other factors to consider, and that approaching my issues through sheer willpower is just setting myself up for disappointment. In fact, I distinctly remember resenting my father for his alcoholism because I legitimately believed he could stop if he just cared enough. Becoming older has opened my eyes a bit.

For the last few years, I've struggled with low self esteem. I think this is the source of a lot of my issues. All throughout school I was coddled as the Einstein of my class. Gifted courses, hand selected teachers, the works. This was terrible for me. I was never pompous about it, but I really did believe that I was smart... smart enough to not do a single bit of work. Ever. My GPA in high school was one point something... I had 300 skipped periods my senior year. I saw everything I was being taught as unfiltered bullcrap entering one ear and going out the other. The truth was everytime I found something even mildly difficult and I couldn't instantly devour it intellectually it would kill this preconceived image of my 'genius', in effect cutting down my self esteem and lowering my expectations. It didn't help that I graduated on time, partly because I'm an excellent manipulator, and partly because they really could care less about the quality of my education. Whatever.

And my father... well who doesn't have daddy problems? He was your run of the mill alcoholic. The guy is a wizard, an absolute Picasso when it comes to mechanics, which I absolutely respect him for... and when he's sober he can be an absolute blast to hang out with. He's an outdoorsman, scuba diver, self taught pilot, the works. His drinking, however, led to verbal abuse. I've never been the son he's wanted. I'm 6'1 and 220lb's at my best, and hated sports. I also disliked hunting, fishing, just about everything he likes. I really don't even feel like his son.. but darn it, if his past behavior is a current source of my issues, then I need to not shove that under the rug.. stupid and painful as it is, the man I dismissed years ago may have more control over me than ever.

He was never physically abusive. Words are so much harsher. In fact, the most painful thing he ever said to me was about a year ago. Celebrating my newfound independence and emerging recognition of myself as an adult in the world, I felt ecstatic. I can't even remember what he said, but the part I do remember, was him muttering "Why can't you just be normal?"

I can't really explain how badly that hurt. I'm no prize, not by a long shot. But I am not ashamed of who I am one bit, and **** anyone who would say differently. It blew me away that he could say something so utterly contradictory to myself. Not only that, but he confirmed my long held belief that I was a failed son... and I've since stopped talking to him.

I talk about my father because I think he's a source of apathy for me. I haven't mentioned it yet, but my biggest problem is with intimacy. It's what my thinking always settles upon when I wonder about my issues. It's intimacy. I'm terrified of it. I know I'm terrified of it, because every time I get close enough to someone, I resent them. I push them away. I do this with my mother. My best friends. My cousins. My teachers. People I meet at school. I go out of my way to meet them and start a relationship... only to hide when I feel as though I might actually get to know this person. This, more than anything, is what I would like to fix. I think if I could learn to be intimate... or to just let somebody close, I could solve a lot of my depression and anxiety issues.

I've known this girl for about 3 years now. She was my best friend. I say was, because I feel as though she's slowly drifting away from me. Being my one confidant, this is terrifying. The worst part is, I cannot tell if she legitimately is losing interest in me as a friend or if I'm doing what I do best, and inventing these reasons. To push her away. Like I always do. I don't even know how to combat this. I can understand it all day, know the reasons why I do it and why it is illogical, and then proceed to do the same exact thing to myself. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be depressed and have her decide I'm not worth it, but I will not pretend to be happy when I've had these issues for years. Hiding them doesn't work. I've tried it.



Thanks in advance if anyone bothers to read this.

David

Hi David, I had to edit your post because we aren't allowed to discuss suicide, self harm or illegal substances.  Due to forum rules.  I hope that you feel better soon.  Keep posting and know that we all do care about you.  Hugs,Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/11/2011 7:40:54 AM (GMT-6)

David,

How we are treated as children does color our lives as adults. The thing is though as adults we can choose how we let those events effect us.

We can choose to let those negative aspects effect us negatively or we can choose to let them be a blueprint of what not to do or be as an adult.

I know it sounds easy but I also know it is not easy. I had my own "Daddy issues" growing up. I can only remember one time he ever told me he loved me and that was after I said it to him. I can only recall him giving me a one hug and that really was when I gave him one as a small child. I can remember begging him to play basketball or pitch and catch or just do anything with me and being told that he was too tired but yet I would see him standing in the yard for hours talking to a neighbor or seeing him go out and play ball when one of the neighbor kids would ask.....now talk about hurt...LOL. I really don't know what his problem is. I used to think it was me, but after a time I realized it was his failing as a Dad rather than mine as a son. I live 10 miles from him and he knows that I am unable to work and that I am a full time stay at home Dad, but the last time I saw or talked to him was 4 years ago. It used to bother me but any more I really don't care.

At some point in my mid teens I made an oath to myself to not let his pathetic excuse of being a father negatively effect how I would be a father when the time came. I used his examples as what not to do and became determined to do the opposite. When I became a father I made sure to do things with my kids, to hug them several times a day and to tell them I always that I love them. I am not a perfect parent by a long shot, and my goal isn't to be one, only to do better than what I was shown growing up by own.

As far as not being able to afford counseling goes you should check with both your school and with your local mental health department. Many schools offer counseling free of charge for students or are able to arrange it with local sources. The place to start is with the student health office. In addition many if not all mental health departments offer counseling on an income based fee schedule. If you do not have a mental health office/clinic in your area then check with the local health department.