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Posted 9/14/2011 3:46 AM (GMT 0)
I will start by saying that I have never used a forum before to discuss my feelings, only to discuss soap operas. I am 22 and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13. I wasn't prescribed medication at the time, because I assured my mother that they were diagnosing every teenager with depression at that time and that I really was fine and happy. Fast forward to now and I still don't take medication because my insurance has a 750 dollar deductible before they pay for anything. I don't have that kind of money. That and I am not entirely convinced that I will ever be happy. I won't lie and say that I have been depressed for the entire 9 years. But the vast majority of it, it's been uphill battle. I feel as though I can't do anything right...ever. I stress out about stuff to the point of not being able to breath. Tonight, I hit a very low low when I had an extremely bad visit from my boss. I haven't stopped crying since she left. I still have a job, but I have done nothing right, a point that was made many times in the two hour span of the visit. All I do is screw up an don't know how not to. Thoughts of  seldom cross my mind because while I'm not entirely convinced in either heaven or hell, I don't want to risk putting my mother through that. However, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about being involved in a robbery and getting shot. Or being in a terrible car accident. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself, but I guess if someone else does it for me, it'll be okay. But then I push those thoughts out of my head and keep chugging along. Because I know that my income supports both my mom and I and I can not let her down. I can not leave her homeless. I'm just a mess and having a hard time coping and I really can't talk to my friends because they have no idea what I'm going through. Last time I even mentioned the thought of just wanting it to end, not my life, but life's issues, i was threatened with being forced into a mental institution. Maybe that's where I need to be. Sorry to just unload just didn't know where else to turn.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/14/2011 7:15:58 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 9/15/2011 12:17 AM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome to you, the thing that jumped out at me was you saying two things. One was you have been threatened with being forced into a mental institution. Who threatened you, and how? People can't just force you into mental hospitals. To have it done against your will you need to have been examined by two independent psychiatrists and they need to agree you are a current danger to yourself or others. Even when so admitted it's usually short term while you are treated. With medication and therapy most likely. In other words it's not a possibility unless you start threatening to end it all the time. To me you are just expressing what many depressed people feel. They'd rather not wake up when going to sleep and similar non self initiated things. I feel like that today but it's not gping to happen. I just want my thoughts and misery to stop.

Then you mention your boss visited you at home and stayed for two hours telling you about your supposed failures at work. That is way wrong, she is not permitted to do that at your home and you should refuse her access again. If it's a work problem it must be dealt with at work, counselling with you having a union rep or someone with you as a witness to verify facts. Naturally such a visit would distress anyone and if you are in a union I'd suggest you approach them about this as it's WRONG. Vindictive and nasty.

You don't describe the symptoms of depression really apart from a couple of occasions, which would be a normal reaction for anyone. You have a job and you go to work and that indicates any depression is not interfering with all your life, as yet. You say you are not convinced you will ever be happy. What does "happy" mean to you? At 22 you have a whole lifetime ahead to attain what you want and the first thing I'd suggest you do is go see a doctor and get a current diagnosis. One that is 9 years old based on age 13 feelings is not really relevant today. Find out what's wrong and get treatment. If it costs money tell me what your choice is. A lifetime of misery, deteriorating along the way or being out of pocket while you are treated.

This isn't something that just goes away, you have to make the effort top get help and deal with whatever is wrong. Don't accept how you feel today as your fate, it's not. It's up to you.

Posted 9/15/2011 1:28 AM (GMT 0)
Alwaysoverit,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am soorry that you are feeling inadequate at this time. Know that it is probably a problem with your self esteme causing you to feel this way. And having your boss tell you so. I am sorry that you went through that. As was mentioned above it was very inappropriate of your boss to discuss this at your house, unless she is a friend of yours and was wanting to help you with some constructive critism. It doesn't make us feel very good to be talked down to. Do you like your job? Is it a pleasure to go to or do you not like going in? It really makes a difference if you like your job as to how your preformance is going to be. Are you new at it? Or were you having a bad day? Sometimes we have a bad day and we feel like we mess everything up. But often we over exagerate things in our minds when we aren't feeling well.

Do you think you have depression? If you need help, seek it out. Your insurance might pay more than you think it does. I have to get a deductable in but it still pays for mental health services under a different plan. I have prescription co pays but I can manage that. It pays for my doctor's visits after I get the deductable put in. But for mental health it is completely different. There are different plans that will help you pay for meds if your insurance doesn't even when you have insurance. But I don't understand because prescriptions have nothing to do with the deductable with mine. It is a given.

I did have to take one word out of your post as we aren't allowed to discuss suicide here or self harm. Just so you know.

Also as in the above post, you should get an appointment and get a diagnosis. You could be depressed or this could be normal for what you are going through. Life does get harder once we become adults. Does your mom get any help from the state to help out? There are a lot of things that social services can provide so you aren't taking on the whole burden by yourself.

I hope that you feel better soon. Do contact your insurance and see if you can see a mental health provider. I bet you can with a copay.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
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