hi

Im not really sure what to say.
I havent been able to be upfront and honest about anything lately, so writing it on here is weird.

Im not happy.
I dont know whats wrong with me.
I saw something on the internet that said this is a good place to go to talk to someone if you have no one to talk to.


Im so angry with myself. I keep getting angry so fast. I dont even know if its because of me or because these things would make other people mad too.
I cant help but randomly want to cry. 

I wonder why people like me. I wonder if they really do like me like they say they do. I dont see a reason why they would.
I dont like myself. I dont know why anyone would feel any different about me than how I feel.
If someone doesnt talk to me when they have the chance I figure they have finally come around and realized that they dont like me too.

Im in a relationship, and Im confused about it. I dont know if I want to be in it, however I know i care for (no name).
I dont know if I want this kind of relationship. I dont know if I feel this way about ( no name)
I get angry and all we do is argue.
I feel like ( no name) is angry at me all the time too. sometimes angry for things I understand, and sometimes things that dont make sense.

I have no friends. I talk to a couple of family members that I just recently got close to...
I want to see them ALL the time. I love being around them.
but, (no name) gets angry every time I come back from seeing them. says I stay out too late, i made (no name) wait for me to eat dinner and (no name) is hungry.
says I come back in a bad mood and I am cranky.
so every time i see them, I want the visit to last longer and longer because i dont want to come home and listen to the nagging and yelling.
(no name) says I should see them as much as i want- but by actions (no name) says differently

i still hold on to a lot of anger with ( no name)
things said in arguments never really seem to go away.
"no one would like you if they really knew you"
"i care nothing about you"
"honestly just go die"
... but it isnt like i dont say mean things right back.
im still angry that (no name) doesnt completely believe me about my past sexual abuse.
when no name found out "well that explains a lot"
and then completely contradicted what was said first and stated:
"well you dont really know. you cant be depressed about it. get over it. you were too little to even remember, if it actually did happen."
If I say anything about it, if I show that I am effected by my past at all no name says again " get over it!"
and then wants me to come to (no name) with all of me thoughts and feelings. how can I trust (no name) with any of that???

people talk to me for a little while. then they go away. I think its because they realize I am jsut not as great as they thought.
I am terrified that I will lose the family that I am getting close to.

im just so frustrated. there is no one I can talk to.
everything I am confused about I cant talk about- because I am confused about every person that I know.
I cannot even speak to the family about ( no name) because I am not supposed to tell people we are in a relationship.

I am so lost.
I want to tell (no name) how unhappy I am.
that I have nightmares.
that I always want to cry.
that I cant stop eating.
that I feel like a blimp.
that I cant sleep good
that I need help.
that I have always felt this way.

that now I dont even enjoy what I used to love.

someone please just tell me im sick, have always been sick and that there is a cure.
I dont want to be me anymore.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/19/2011 9:07:05 PM (GMT-6)

thank you for replying Karen

Well, it is a little bit about our parents...
its because "noname" isnt a boyfriend, but a girlfriend.
Our parents are not exactly accepting about that.
and She, my girlfriend, is uncomfortable with ANYONE knowing.
So we have to keep our relationship completely hidden. no one knows we are together.

She doesnt want to be included in anything,she doesnt like to go do anything , and she is nervous that my good family is the same as my bad family. I have a very messed up family. I know everyone says that about their family but mine is to the extreme. they see being gay or swearing or not going to church as something that will send you to hell, they are religious- but to an extreme that most people never see. However, my family is full of child molesters, and abusers, and for those people they make excuses, say that they are just confused or that they are experimenting, and then they keep the abuse hidden.
the family that I have recently become close to arent anything like the rest of my family. they stayed away from the family for a long time because of how judgmental they are for stupid things, and how accepting they are over the horrible things. when they found out about my abuse they felt horrible that they didnt know before because they werent around, and they offered to go to my abusers house with a baseball bat or do the turning in for me. I wont tell them my abusers names though.

When I was a teen ( probably 10 years ago) my doctor said I had depression, then put me on meds,sent me to a psychologist, and also wanted me to start seeing a nutritionist or go to some weird ranch thing because I had an eating disorder.
but, I convinced my mom that there was nothing wrong with me, and told her the doctor was weird. she believed me. she didnt take me off of the meds ( i had to stop taking the meds when I wasnt on my moms health insurance anymore- i couldnt and still cant afford it on my own), but after 2 meetings with a psychologist she pulled me out because i said it was stupid. and I was never sent to a nutritionist or the ranch. my 2 meetings with the psychologist were weird. I have wanted to go back to counseling ( just to a different counselor)ever since I left, but didnt tell my mom because I didnt want her to know I actually needed one. I still want to go back, but now not olnly do I not want my girlfriend to know (there is no way to keep it a secret as we live together), but I also cannot afford it.

yes, my past effects me a lot. I have a lot of fears, panic attacks, nightmares and night terrors, flashbacks,I still struggle with my eating disorder even though I am not throwing up anymore- my therapist
( from the 2 times I went) said that eating disorders are usually linked to past abuse. I just cant seem to get any control over my eating, and I use to cut, but even though I still want to- i stopped. ( those marks are not easily hidden when you have a girlfriend)

do you have to get a prescription for that? cuz I cant afford to see the doc.

Dear SOMEBODY-

"no name" needs to hit the road...now! No one should resent time you spend with loving family, thatt's just about control.

Where I live, we have a free mental health center, you can see counselor, psychiatrist for nothing... as far as meds, get your list of meds and go to pparx.org. If you qualify, you'll get it all FREE!! Call your health Dept., they should be able to tell you about free mental care.

You are not alone, yes you have an illness and yes there is hope. you can have a happy full life...hold your head up...you count!!

Maggie