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Posted 9/28/2011 11:27 PM (GMT 0)
Yay another frustrated depression vent by me. :P

Lots of my depression lately has been due to environmental and situation things, as opposed to just feeling depressed for no conscious reason. But yeah, lately my depression has been due to just a whole bunch of crap going on.

Been dealing with physical health problems/chronic pain since last December. On and off issues with my father and boyfriend and their mental...'quirks'. Now it's money issues.

I live with my father and boyfriend, and we live together in a mortgaged house that's been in the family for several generations. Well, the mortgage is horrible. While we don't owe as most as some people...our property is priced horribly. Our property valued at around $50,000, however the loan is for more than $70,000.

Well, my father is on a fixed income after working for years in the military and PA state department and he makes a nice amount of money every month. But due to his poor spending habits and the amount of the monthly mortgage payment--we've always run behind. Then we got a huge bill for property taxes--apparently our property is expensive enough to warrant ridiculous taxes, but not a refinanced loan--it was like $2300 for 2010. We had to pay it or they'd sell the property. So we paid it, but had to skip a month of the mortgage. Now we owe for THAT and now they are going to foreclose on us unless we can find $3000 by October 14th. Which is like 3x our normal payment. Plus we'd have to do a record, vocal commitment to that payment or it'd be foreclosed on immediately.

Plus, we had both cars break down. Neither of them are very new, but for them to both break down at once is really awful timing. Over $1,000 to get them running. We needed at least the one fixed so my boyfriend could work and I could go to appointments.

THEN our dryer has been broken since early August. We've been using a clothesline outside but its just becoming less and less warm out so pretty soon we'll have no way to dry most of our laundry easily. (We live in a rural area. I've never even actually SEEN a laundromat in a 20 mile radius of my home before.)

I'm so upset and angry, and just start feeling ashamed of myself for not being able to help work or something. But I'm also angry with the mortgage company...and especially--ESPECIALLY--my father.

I'm not so angry that I am showing it outwardly, but it just eats away inside of me. He's mental state is so messed up and he's so misguided. I know we could be living a better life if we put our minds to it--lower expenses, stop bad purchases--but my father won't do it. I need this house right now because I can't work. I'm stuck with feeling like I should apply for disability, but it upsets me because I'm 22 years old and was in the middle of trying to go to college when my health problems happened. So I lost my part time job and my education, and now I am stuck at home trying to treat my illness/condition.

I plan to sit down tomorrow and demand my dad and I go through all his expenses, because we need to cut back in any way possible and get this payment out before they foreclose. Even if we don't lose the house through it, they tack on all kinds of legal fees to your already astronomical balance and then still want your current payment. :)

I know there are loads of people in worse shape than us, so I am not trying to throw a pity party...it is just that I feel like nothing can go right for us. I really wanted to be in a different place than where I am now in life, but I feel stuck and worthless sometimes. I just wish there was something else I could do to help in this situation, but I really don't know what else I can do. We tried to refinance before to no avail, and I have tried making up budgets for our household and doing things like cutting our cable and phone bill down...but my father just keeps spending and spending. I just really feel like I am stuck relying on him, and he is barely hanging on as it is--so if he falls, so do I.

Ugh. :P

turn
Posted 9/28/2011 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
That's alot of stuff to deal with. Yes, I would sit down w/ dad and bf and work up a budget. Do you have anything of value to sell, or even a yard sale (hey, coupla hundred bucks will help, right?)

In the future, you can appeal tax bill. Have you applied for "Homestead Exemption? Ours went way way down. Is your Dad disabled? It actually sounds like there is enough money to get by except for your Dad's money problems. I'm sorry I can't help more....I do know that it takes a couple of years to get you off the property. I wish you the best of luck

Maggie
Posted 9/29/2011 3:52 AM (GMT 0)
We can make maybe $1000 from coins. We have lots of silver dollars we could sell even for the melt price. I really doubt we'll be able to make the payment though, but we still may be able to make a deal with the law end of the spectrum so we don't actually lose the house.

So I'm trying to just relax and get ready to go over all our expenses and what not. I'm not sure I know what a homestead exemption is, so I will ask my dad about it perhaps he knows since the mortgage was under him and his father's. But yeah, in general, my father makes around $40k a year. For someone on pensions and stuff that's actually really high. The problem is just his wasteful spending. The bills are bad but I am sure he wastes more than the equivalent of a mortgage payment on junk alone. :(

Thanks for your input and for reading! I appreciate the support. :)
Posted 9/29/2011 11:05 AM (GMT 0)
keep hanging in there misterkatamari. sending healing compassionate thoughts your way. keep posting and let us know how it is going. jamie
Posted 9/29/2011 2:22 PM (GMT 0)
Call the mortgage company and maybe make a half a payment, sometimes they will let you make half a payment
thereby not getting any late charges, but call them first and see what can be done...then
a good meeting at home with the rest of your family to talk about expenses is an excellent idea...
Many well wishes to you and come and rant when you need to...also if your on medicines,
go to the medicines websites and see if you can qualify for their discounted programs, or
ask your pharmacy...
Keep us posted as we do care....Hope things can work out for you...
Posted 9/29/2011 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
Thankfully, I do have state insurance that includes pharmaceuticals. So I pay only a few dollars in co-pays. The part where I mentioned my illness costing money really just meant that I have to drive to specialists hours away from home very often, and all that racks up the gas mileage. lol!

I also just found out that my sister, whom I really care about and am close to, has lyme disease. My dad's really upset about it, but I'm not really too upset knowing that there are more treatments for it now than in the past. Still, one more stress type thing for us all to be thinking of, so that's lame.

I hardly slept at all again last night, so I feel really hungover and blah today. I feel like eating horrible stuff cuz I feel sorta depressed, but I'll be good and resist. :P

Thanks, Chartreux and Jaimiee!
Posted 9/29/2011 3:14 PM (GMT 0)
Call your County Tax Assessor's office. Homestead exemption -our tax bill went from 1600 to 150 and some places will do it retroactively if you go in with a really good sob story (somebody not thinking clearly, serious illnesses etc) Give it a shot

Maggie
Posted 9/29/2011 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone.

Apparently we have on record the homestead exemption, but for whatever reason it only reduced our bill by like $200. Meaning it went from around $2,300 to 2,100. Part of the reason is we have a vacant mobile home on our property, (same mortgage) and it doesn't quality for that exemption. Still, compared to what you said, it seems like my dad should owe way less than that. Maybe it's because they figure he could use the other building? I have no idea. It isn't like the only valued our house, the entire grounds were assessed. So weird.

It's a catch 22. Our property is so cheap that our mortgage is worth more than our house. However, our property is so expensive to the county that we're paying thousands in taxes.

We own this little stretch of land, its like a hill along side a main town road. It used to be a hill used for a railroad crossing. It's so small width wise that you couldn't even fit a shack on it--but they valued it at $10,000....what the heck?

I'm trying to relax, but I just don't know what is going to happen really. I resent my father because he insists he does everything for me, yet he is doing many of his bad spending habits for his own mental illnesses. :(

He pays $200 a month for a horse that he bought in 2007 for like $1500. He pays for it to be stabled and fed every month at a farm he has only been to 6 times since 2007. He refuses to sell the horse to help pay for this situation, and he becomes very angry and threatened when I suggest it. $200 a month for some illusion of his mind is over $2,000. He could have used that money to pay the yearly taxes--and so he would have had enough to pay the mortgage!
Posted 9/29/2011 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
He really should sell the horse. Especially if he doesn't even go to see it. What once a year or so. He probably loves that horse, but somebody else could take care of it I would imagine. Does he realize the situation? It sounds like he either is in denial, or just not listening. Do you think he is thinking clearly? Maybe you should have his abilities checked out. Make sure he is sound in mind. I know it is hard when you have to take over, but you can see that somebody has to do something so that you don't lose the home.

You might have to become a guardian if he isn't making proper decisions. And if you become one, get conservatory too. That way you are able to make sure the bills are paid and that there are the right health decisions made for him. I don't know if it is to that point or not. But I have been through the guardianship thing and I had family fighting me, it was a mess. But it sounds like you could do this if you have to. Just to make sure that everything is okay.

Keep posting, and checking in because there are probably an option of routes to go. People go through different situations and somebody might have some really good ideas for you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/30/2011 3:14 AM (GMT 0)
He only saw the horse probably, say, 10 times his entire ownership of it. It's just that he is very ill mentally. I think the horse is a symbol of him 'having a life', getting rid of it means that he has 'nothing'. Like its something that he feels is actually HIS. Meanwhile, he's losing his house that he supposedly cares so much for. Yet he isn't willing to part with his fixation on this idea of having 'something'. It's an emotional attachment to the idea...not the horse itself. :(

He isn't sound in mind really. When my mother passed away, we had to take all the guns out of the house. Eventually he got them back, and hasn't really said or done anything overtly distressing...but he is severely depressed. He talks to pictures of my mother occasionally and cries. She's been dead since 2007, so it's gonna be over 4 years soon. I don't think he actually thinks the pictures can hear him or that she's listening, or talking back...but seeing someone actually caress a picture frame and whimper is disturbing for me. It's hard because she was my mom, so seeing him unable to move on means its hard for me to do also. He's never been able to handle death. When his father died, he kept putting off taking the iron grave marker to the cemetary--he kept it in our HOUSE in front of the TV.

He hoards, but not as bad as people do on television. You can walk through the house, but he gets anxiety attacks from us cleaning and throwing anything away. He digs through trash bags sometimes and takes out food we threw away.

He's also essentially anorexic. He weighs around 110lbs, I think. He's 5'11" and 66. So he's very underweight. He never eats, and he is on over 10 different medications. Sometimes he over takes his medications because 'he needs it'. For instance, he's gotten really messed up on his Xanax once because he took way too many at once. Meanwhile, the doctor gave him an appetite medication to make him eat--and he refuses to take it. He says he is 'scared' to take it.

His blood pressure is very bad. He's on 3 meds for it. Yet he pushes himself and does all the housework because he's very particular and hates us doing anything because it isn't the way he wants it done. He wheezes constantly and has asthma and emphysema from smoking--which he still does. He spends around 25-30 dollars on cigarettes in a week.

My mother died at 57 from lung cancer due to smoking. My grandfather--my dad's father--died from smoking due to severe asthma and emphysema. My uncle too. My dad grieves about losing his wife, yet he lights up every couple minutes to smoke. He insists he has colds sometimes, and I keep telling him that it isn't a cold...its his lungs.

At one time I thought about trying to make the decisions for him...but I feel like he'd be far too sane. As in, he communicates fine with people...he is just severely depressed and probably has undiagnosed mental disorders that result in mania at times. Plus if I did want to try and take guardianship...I have no job of my own, and I have a history of mental health issues. Sure I actually treat mine, and my mental health is stable under treatment...but I doubt I'd be able to take guardianship over him.

He just doesn't want to really live anymore, but at the same time he does selfish things because he thinks he deserves them. Like the horse. He also has sporadic fits of actual rage, where he becomes hateful to me and my boyfriend. It's like he'll have a bad day, and find out that we moved some picture frames off the one wall--and he will rant and talk to himself downstairs about how horrible we are to him. How its HIS house and how no one gives a $hit about him, etc. Then when he is in his good moods its always about how I am his only reason to live and he loves me so much and everything he does is for me, I am all he has left, etc etc etc. So he's a rollercoster and very unstable. So, I don't know what to do. It isn't like he's in his 80s, maybe I'd have a shot then to get guardianship...but as it stands I think I am supposed to just deal with it. Even if he loses the house he claims to care for. Ugh.
Posted 9/30/2011 4:16 AM (GMT 0)
If you could get him to quit smoking that would help some.He might have to, Or he might have more than just emphazema, My first husband died in 2000 frfom lung cancer. He had emphazema for a long time. He was 59.

Can you and your boyfriend work? Or do you work? I figure that you do enough probably to make up for working as you are most likely cooking and cleaning, But your boyfriend probably hands money over to him and he does what he wants with it. Or does your boyfriend make sure the bills he contributes to get paid?

Have you sat down with him and discussed this with your father and your boyfriend there? Tell him about some ways that you could save money, mention the horse and smoking. The weight isn't healthy for him to be so tall. He must look like a walking skeleton. I wonder why he wont take the meds for appetite? I imagine his not eating is because he is depressed. Does he take vitamins? He may need them to keep his strength up,

I sure hope that you can find some answers, What does he say when you tell him you could all lose the house? Does he believe you?

Well I wish you the best with this, I am sorry that you are going through it all,

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/30/2011 8:06 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks so much, both of you. :)

As for if my boyfriend and I work--my boyfriend works part time. He hasn't been able to find a full time job, so he works part time at 2 different places. He only makes around 180 per job, per pay period. So his income is only really helpful for things like our own food and gasoline, etc. I used to work part time and go to school, but then I developed 2 herniated discs in my back, and now I am dealing with severe chronic pain. I lost my job due to it in December of 2010, because I had to call off on a holiday. (New Years Eve). Even though I went to the ER, I was still 'terminated'.

I'm thinking of applying for SSI. I don't qualify for SSDI due to having only worked 2 1/2 years, I don't have enough credits for that. But I could file for SSI and try to get something from that. I know its very difficult to get SSI due to my age, so I am going to ask my Neurosurgeon what he thinks of my condition and hope for improvement on my next visit. I'm not a candidate for surgery due to other spinal complications, and so the herniated discs are going to always be there--and as such, it may always cause me chronic pain. Sometimes its bad enough that I must rely on others to drive me to my appointments because I can't sit up that long to drive. That means sometimes I need to rely on my father to help me, which is really annoying to me because of how unstable he can be--it makes him unreliable.

Also, as far as us helping around the house...my dad basically won't let us. I can't actually do a lot of things because of how bad my physical condition is right now, so washing dishes and stuff is very taxing for me. However, when I do offer my dad gets sorta edgy and says that he'd rather do it 'right'. I think he is obsessed with doing all the housework by himself because he doesn't have any hobbies or things he enjoys, so tending to the house chores is how he keeps himself busy. It helps him feel needed. Which is fine--but what isn't fine is when he wears himself down and is rude to me and my boyfriend for just trying to help. It's really frustrating because my house is a cluttered mess of old pictures & nick knacks, old food in the fridge and cupboards, pounds of old clothing and bed dressing we don't use. We have a 'junk room', where all kinds of what I call garbage is stacked up. Stuff I would personally throw out to make space. But I just can't do that. He has an attachment to his junk, and getting rid of it threatens him. He becomes sometimes out of control in anger and desperation if I try to push him on clearing out some of the clutter.

But yeah, gonna keep hanging in there. Hope you all do he same, and hope you're gonna have a good day. :)
Posted 9/30/2011 8:17 AM (GMT 0)

getting by said...
If you could get him to quit smoking that would help some.He might have to, Or he might have more than just emphazema, My first husband died in 2000 frfom lung cancer. He had emphazema for a long time. He was 59.

Can you and your boyfriend work? Or do you work? I figure that you do enough probably to make up for working as you are most likely cooking and cleaning, But your boyfriend probably hands money over to him and he does what he wants with it. Or does your boyfriend make sure the bills he contributes to get paid?

Have you sat down with him and discussed this with your father and your boyfriend there? Tell him about some ways that you could save money, mention the horse and smoking. The weight isn't healthy for him to be so tall. He must look like a walking skeleton. I wonder why he wont take the meds for appetite? I imagine his not eating is because he is depressed. Does he take vitamins? He may need them to keep his strength up,

I sure hope that you can find some answers, What does he say when you tell him you could all lose the house? Does he believe you?

Well I wish you the best with this, I am sorry that you are going through it all,

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

Also, to address your post directly--yes I have sat down and specifically addressed these issues with my father. He sometimes acknowledges his spending addiction and his frivolous purchases, but he refuses to sell the horse. Even today, after I went over all his automatically debited bills and all of his monthly income to try and make a budget--he refused to move on the horse. The cigarette addiction is something he claims he 'wishes' he could not have, and he does acknowledge how wastetful it is. He says he doesn't care about the health effects, though, because he basically is so depressed that he says things like 'why would it matter, anyway etc.'

The horse thing would be really helpful right now to try and make this mortgage payment. I know we could sell it for a little sum. He will sometimes acknowledge how it would save him money, but then he'll say "I can't get rid of that horse. I'm not going to. It's mine." Our neighbors and family friends, including my late mother's family, all see how ill he is. People who live in town with us even know that he has a horse he never rides. It was always his 'dream' to have a horse, and he isn't willing to let that go. I understand his motivation--he's bitter, aging, afraid to die, and yet depressed and feels worthless. Unfortunately, me telling him otherwise doesn't seem to help.

My father, growing up with me, was the kindest person I knew. He's gentle and sensitive, very considerate, and he always worked hard for us and for his clients. So to see him in the state he is now...I basically feel like I lost both my parents the day my mother died. My father has already made his choice to quit living, basically, but it still hurts. sad
Posted 9/30/2011 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
I don't know what to think other than to judge whether he is competent with his thinking. You might have to become his guardian. He isn't being rational. If he doesn't even go see the horse, he needs to use his head and use that money to make the mortgage payment. Or maybe a reverse mortgage would work, but then the house would go to the bank when he passes. So that wouldn't be too good for you.

I hope youfind what works for you. Best wishes on solving this problem.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 9/30/2011 11:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks again, Karen. :)

I just haven't really ever thought I had a chance to gain guardianship of him. I guess I could speak with my older sister though. She's financially stable and her and I often talk about my father and try to get him to make good choices. For instance, he had skin cancer on his face and kept cancelling his appointments because he 'had a cold'. (The cold was just his emphysema.) We had to dog him for over a month before he kept his appointment and had the skin spots removed. He was given a good bill of health in that department, but he is extremely careless. He sorta has a death wish, I guess. He also likes to be pitied, so when things go poorly--health, money, anything--he likes to dwell on it and gain pity and sympathy.


I just feel like due to his personality, he would fight any attempt by either me or my sister to take guardianship of him. It would be better for all of us...but, I just think he's so far gone that he'd become very angry from it and fight it all the way. So I don't know. I honestly don't know any of the specifics about this stuff, so I don't know if we have a case or what. I would honestly say he should probably be in some sort of adult safety services, but again, I'm sure he would never consent.

And just to highlight this horse thing even more--the horse is stabled in a farm around 15 minutes away from us. So when I say he hasn't seen the horse--I really mean it. He hasn't even gone up to SEE it since then, let alone ride it. Yet just the other day--with all this financial issues going on--he said a neighbor offered to help him build a rack in the house so he can put his riding gear up. Right now his saddle and everything are sitting in the living room in a pile. (The saddle has silver encrusted stuff all over it, it was worth MORE than the horse...)

He's just in his own world. So while he cares about me, it's just his image of me--a little kid, that he is thinking of. He doesn't comprehend the reality of the situation and how he's really only hurting me with his actions. And if he does know, I guess he doesn't care enough to get help for it. :P

Thanks again. Hoping to have a good day here soon. I see my psychiatric doctor soon, so that may be of help! lol!
Posted 10/1/2011 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
I feel badly for you. I am glad thta you see your psychiatrist soon. I see one too. I also see a counselor. And that really helps. My counselor works with my psychiatrist, so it is really convenient, other than the distance. It is an hours drive each way.

I hope that you get things sorted out. Take it one day at a time. Something will work out. It usually does. Life is full of surprises. Maybe your father will see the situation for what it is and sell the horse or something. I hope that he does. Have you talked to him about seeing a financial advisor? Do you think he would go for that? Or does he even realize that there isn't enough money to pay the bills? I think you and your sister should have a talk about it and maybe if you talk to him together he will listen. I hope you can persuade him to see your side of the situation.

Don't give up.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 10/2/2011 12:40 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks again. lol!

I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and they work through the same clinic so its all under the same treatment plan. So I get good treatment that way, which I'm glad of. When I didn't have the resources I do now, I was in much worse shape mentally. So I'm glad I am getting treated.

I have talked to him about a financial adviser, but honestly, I am not sure where to look for one other than someone online. My sister and brother-in-law constantly offer to help, but he never wants to do it. Part of it is that--I think--he believes he has no use anymore to us, and so his only real way to be of use is to be the income earner and taking care of the bills...unfortunately he's completely horrible at that. The other part of it i that he has severe depression, and so part of that is that he puts off everything until the last minute. He's constantly putting off bills and appointments and phone calls. The only thing he does really is 'clean' the house. Which is mainly just doing laundry and dishes, and sometimes vacuuming around the clutter. He does that sort of obsessively, and always says things like he doesn't have time for company or to do something because he 'has' to clean the house.

And yes, he knows he is behind but he refuses to come to the reality of the situation. That is to say, he knows he doesn't have enough money to pay the mortgage--but he puts it off and tries to get by. Then when it's right on the verge of getting sold, he'll probably break down and have a panic attack and then somehow everything will work out. That's what usually happens. He's been unstable emotionally, lately, due to the stress of the money situation...but even then he refuses to come to reason.

My sister knows everything that happens and she often talks to him and says the same things that I say to him. But what can we do but keep telling him? I even tried to do things like cut down on power & water use, and to cut and bundle our cable and phone bills to a lower cost. My sister is also dealing with personal issues of her own lately, so its hard for me to keep burdening her with our financial issues.

But I sincerely doubt he'll see 'my side' of the situation. Or maybe he will and will just not do what is right anyhow. He does that often, which in some ways is worse than not knowing. The horse thing, obviously, he KNOWS makes no sense because he actually says stuff like 'yeah, I know I could make the payment if I didn't have that'. But then he'll follow up with 'but I'm not selling it/but its all I have, etc.' So it's like he knows and deliberately ignores common sense and reason. So that aspect of it is really annoying.

I also kind of miss my mom, and I feel bad because when I get frustrated with my life living with my father--I often wish that my mom was here instead of him. She wasn't like him at all, and I guess was the one who held him together. She had issues too, everyone does, but at least she tried to do her best based on her feelings AND reason. She wasn't ignorant and bullheaded like my father is, nor was she nearly as short sighted. So when she died the finances went downhill fast. They weren't good before then because my dad was still the income earner, but at least my mother had SOME control over the money...I have none.
Posted 10/2/2011 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
I was reading back in one of your posts and you were saying maybe you should sign up for ssi. Maybe you should give that a try. It would be some extra money coming in. talk to an atorney that only gets money if you win your case. It has been a long time since you worked and with herniated disks, you stand a good chance of gettng it. Also you have depression going for you too. It would be something to help out.

Let us know what happens. It sounds like your father is a very stubborn man. And not very practical at this point. I really hope that you don't lose the house. That would really be a shame.

I hope that things do work out for the best for you.

Take care, keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
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