Trying to pull myself out of the hell I created.

I am generally a very negative person a worry wart. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for aslong as I can remember. I can't even drive on the highway because of my anxiety. I once upon a time didn't drive at all, so being abloe to drive and get around on back streets is a small accompishment for me.

I have been divorced twice and I 9 months ago I got out of a 13 month relationship. I now have 5 children my last coming from my last relationship.

I have no self esteem, no self confidence and no support system.

My exs are pathetic and hardly a help to me and my children. I was a homemaker for 11 yrs. I wasn't always like this. I use to keep a clean home spend plenty of time with my kids. All the stuff that would make me a good mother. I'm not that anymore.. I get so stressed out I somtimes say horrible things.. I don't spend time with my kids or clean up. I would rather just sleep. I don't sleep well at night somtimes can't fall asleep and when I do waking constantly. I know that this dosen't help with depression and stress. But nothing seems to work for my sleeping not even depression medication.

 I never have any energy and haven't for a long time. I somtimes just feel like life is to much for me to handle and there is nothing out there I want to do.

I have recently started working 42 hours a week, which I am proud of.

I have about 20 loads of laundry to do and I have been working on that for about 2 weeks now. It never seems to be getting any smaller although I am definetly putting in an effort. I am not sure how to approach this.

I feel like I should be proud of the 5 loads of laundry I got done and all the floors being done and the little things I do. But I can't because I feel like it is never enough. Unless I spend all day on it until it is spotless then play with my kids for the rest of the week I will never be good enough for my kids.

I live with my mother who has MS. She is all I have. No friends no siblings nothing. I find it hard making friends.. I am sick of meeting people who lie to you, steal from you and are just two faced.

I cry alot when I am alone and write in my journal. My depression is still better then it was a year ago when I first had the baby. My depression has been a huge conflict in my relationships. I wish I could find my place in life. Love myself, be proud of myself and be the good mother I should be.

Maybe I wasn't taught how to be... I could go through plenty of excuses. I just have no energy and feel sad more often then not. It always gets worse after having a child aswell.

My wish list.. Is to be a better mom realize I am a good person and stop putting myself down all the time (being to hard on myself). Beable to be more responsible. I am not loking for a relationship nor do I want one now. I want to work on myself and my life and maybe someday I will be ready for somthing like that. If not I am trying to be ok with being alone.

Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance to anyone who actually got through all of this..